AIBU to break the 'never comment on weight' rule with my friend after sports day?"

[emzybobz89]

This has been going round and round in my head since last week and I can't decide whether to get involved or not.

One of my closest friends has gained a significant amount of weight over the last few years. I don't mean a bit of weight after having children or a few extra pounds creeping on, she has steadily gained weight over a number of years.

We've been friends for years and I love her to bits, which is why I'm struggling with this. Its not about judgement of how she looks etc but serious concern.

Last week was the kids school sports day and they did parents races at the end. She decided to take part in it and I actually thought it was lovely because she's always been the sort of person who joins in and has a laugh.

But she struggled almost straight away. She was completely out of breath despite not even really getting into a jog and ended up having to stop before the finish. I felt really uncomfortable watching because it was obvious she was finding it physically difficult.

Afterwards she laughed it off and started making jokes about herself, saying things like she'd forgotten that she wasn't 20 any more and that she wouldn't be volunteering for anything like that again. Everyone laughed with her, but I came away feeling quite sad about it. I can't really explain why it's stayed with me, but it has.

It's not about her being a certain size or how she looks, it was seeing someone I care about struggle with something that a few years ago, she would probably have managed without thinking twice.

I've been wondering whether I should say something to her. Not "you need to lose weight" or anything blunt like that. More just asking if she's okay and whether she's finding things harder physically lately. But obviously I know she's probably aware of her weight and obviously there could also be things going on that I know nothing about.

I'm completely torn because I don't want to embarrass her or make her feel judged, but I also wonder whether being a good friend sometimes means having an awkward conversation because you care.

I know the obvious answer is to just leave it alone, but if I were to say something, how would you go about it if it were your frend?

AIBU to even be considering saying something, or would the kindest thing be to leave it alone?

And it still doesn’t change the fact that he would still have been vulnerable to the diseases that are associated with being overweight. Being fit is fine. Being overweight carries risk, let’s not minimise it.

A sibling, parent or spouse 100% yes I would.

Friend, depends on your relationship and how she would react

Yes still her 2nd Mum! We had a chat once she’d calmed down. She knows I love her beyond measure and only want what’s best for her but she’s asked for her weight and/or lack of exercise to not come up again as she isn’t looking to do anything about it, she’s not unhappy - so I’ve respected that. I’ll be there for her when the penny drops and give her whatever support she wants. The penny will drop be in next month or in 10 years, and I’ll be there for her. Not much else I can do

How about something more supportive?

‘I’ve been thinking after that parents’ race - I better start training for next year! Do you fancy joining me for a power walk sometime? Hoping to start gradual and build up my fitness’

If she spoke to her about it, it would be because she was 'concerned'. Concerned when you're not in the same situation translates to pity or condemnation. That's how it will be read.

You’re saying you can’t feel concern for someone unless you are in the same situation?

You can feel it but to speak to them about it, won't come across well. And let's face it; if you're concerned about someone, you do pity their situation.

So you are in fact saying that - concern = pity and therefore you should not speak to someone about an issue of concern.

I disagree.
Concern - that sounds hard, how can I help
Pity - oh you poor thing

Saying you are worried about someone is not pity.

But in order for you to tell someone that something sounds hard, they have to have first said it’s hard.

OPs friend hasn’t yet said she’s struggling with her weight.

People who are overweight and unfit, already know it. They don't need it pointing out. It limits their life and choices every day. She probably has a dozen failed diet starts behind her. Every time she looks at you a little voice will be saying " look she's so slim not like me, I'm useless and fat."

Someone once told me out of concern that I had put on weight. Did they really think I didn’t know?!! All it made me feel was really crap. Like everyone looking at me was thinking how fat I was.

OK, well that was an example of how to express concern w/o pity.
Another example could be "I care about you and I'm worried".

Again, as I've said. I have been the object of such concern and it was not said with pity.

Thank you for expressing this, my thoughts entirely!

You sound absolutely vile natured and cruel

I’m not sure I’d appreciate unsolicited worry.

When I finally told my friends that I was losing weight, and this is how it was going, it was great they were supportive.

But had they come to me before that and in essence said “I know you’re not worried about your weight, but I am, and think you should be” that would have been a very different matter.

OPs friend knows she’s fat. When she’s ready, or feels able, she’ll do something about it. Or she might not, because it’s her big body and she might be okay in it.

We have to let people take the lead on their own health and wellbeing, and the decisions they do or don’t make about it.

OK fair enough. Maybe because my friend is a GP and she sort of put her GP hat on when messaging me. And I guess she is very skilled at how to talk sensitively.

Fair enough but in this situation 'concern = that seems hard, how can I help?' isn't applicable. Pointing out someone is overweight (which they already know) wouldn't read as concern. Pointing out the obvious doesn't imply concern, it implies judgement and an element of pity and will lead to a whole pile of shame.

sounds like she appreciated the concern. I know I would. Slightly different but a VERY good friend said I had become nippy and difficult - menopause signs but also checking in. We are even closer now (especially as I’m less nippy!!!)

Agree. I was trying to demonstrate the difference between pity and concern, but didn’t use a good example.

@Ophy83 Yes, I think that's the only reasonable approach. If there's something that you've been wanting to try like yoga or Pilates, invite her to join you.

Or, if you've set yourself walking goals like 10K steps a day, see whether she wants to do some walking with you to keep you motivated.

That’s a huge amount of weight to gain. I am very close to my friends and if one of them went up to a size 26 in a fairly short amount of time, I would be checking if they’re ok, physically and mentally.

i think the only time to bring the subject to is if you are the same weight as the other person. Then it’s ok to say I want to lose weight. We could help each other etc.
Otherwise you need to do it for yourself when you are in the right headspace and anybody commenting will never ever help you get to that right headspace.

Who does ?

@TheMostHandsomeDogOfAllTime Even then it's extremely difficult to broach the subject.

One of my DH's sisters gained a lot of weight 20 years ago (previously a healthy weight) and is now morbidly obese. No one in his family knows how to support her, she's an independent adult who doesn't seem to want to address it. It's very difficult.