AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

I hear you on the distant upbringing, and I don't doubt any of that context, but I still think this was rather cold. A pregnancy isn't just "news" in the same category as everything else going on in your life — it's your mother's first grandchild. Even if you only see her a few times a year and the chat is surface-level, most people would make a point of ringing her specifically to tell her that, rather than letting it slip out incidentally near the end. The fact that it genuinely didn't occur to you says a lot about the relationship, sure, but it doesn't make the impact on your mother any less real. YWNBU to think there's a difference between "we're not close" and "I forgot to tell my own mother she's having a grandchild until eight months in."

It’s not her mother’s first grandchild. This has been corrected by OP many many times. It will be her ninth grandchild. She barely knows the other eight, and OP isn’t certain she even remembers their names or ages.

Let’s be honest, this is a special child for OP, but it’s nothing really important to her parents. That’s why she didn’t bother telling them, because she knows it’s a ‘nothing’ event.

You are playing misery top trumps though and using emotional blackmail to belittle and shame OP. For what? Following a pattern of behaviour that has been instilled in her since she was a child and having a dysfunctional relationship with parent that cultivated said relationship?

She doesn’t hate them, she speaks quite nicely about them, she accepts them as they are. As nice, interesting, intelligent people, just not … parents(as we understand the meaning of the word). Her own mum was happy when her grandma died because she wouldn’t have to speak or see her again. These are the people you are standing up for. These are the people who “raised” OP.

Echoing what other people have said, it's very strange that you "forgot" to invite them to your wedding or tell them about your pregnancy.

I don't think therapy worked for you; if you say you don't have any bad feelings towards them,but you just feel that they're distant family members, IMHO, you're either lying to yourself and carry huge resentment towards them,that you're not ready to deal with, or you have subconsciously already decided that you don't want a relationship with them.

What will happen when the baby is born and they want to have contact with him/her? How would you feel about that?
I think your answer will shed a lot of light on how you truly feel about them.

OP already answered this question numerous times. She’s happy to facilitate a relationship between her son and his grandparents , if they choose to have one.

I don't think you were unreasonable given the history and your parents seem to have moved on from being upset, so I wouldn't worry about it. You didn't of course forget to tell your parents you were pregnant, but you lean into this very detached communication style because it's all that seems to be on offer and it's a way of protecting yourself from their indifference. Your parents could reflect on why you didn't tell them, but they probably won't, so no need for you to dwell on it either.

Maybe the parents are upset because they looked in the mirror and realised they effed up.

I have said they can have a relationship with my son if they would like to, I wouldn't be opposed to that. I doubt they would, my son is no different to the 8 other grandchildren they have.

I love and care about my parents I just have never had a bond with them or really had the opportunity to get to know them, I have tried my best to facilitate that bond but its just not there and they are just not interested.

I am allergic to nuts and have been since I was little as in 2 or so years old, my parents never ever remembered I was allergic to nuts,they would send me gifts that had nuts in them when I was at school, I have been allergic to nuts since before I started boarding at age 7 I suppose they do not have to remember but that is just an example. I am not upset at them, they were very busy people when I was growing up, I had more of a bond with my house mistress and master, matron etc than I did with my parents, I think they knew more about me than my parents.

Ahaha at this point I do not believe anyone is reading the post. My son is not their first grandchild he will be their 9th, they have not bothered with them other 8 when my siblings have tried so I doubt my son will mean anything to them.

People just don’t get it OP. Sometimes there’s nothing, there just isn’t .

Also, hearing you speak about your parents it seems that you are actually quite well adjusted and accepting of the situation. The therapy worked in that regard.

I think you're proving my point more than you realise.The fact that so many people keep returning to the Earls Court flat or boarding school suggests that, for some, financial provision is being treated as the trump card that ends any discussion about emotional relationships.

I've never denied that I was fortunate. I have repeatedly said I was. I was given opportunities that many people don't get, and I am genuinely grateful for them. At 22 I wasn't the most independent or self-starting person, so yes, I accepted the flat that was offered rather than move into a house share. Looking back, I might have made different choices. None of that is in dispute.
What is in dispute is the leap from "your parents provided financially" to "therefore your experience of them is invalid."

My parents explicitly told my sister they never wanted children; they had them because it was what was expected. That wasn't said in the heat of an argument it was simply presented as fact. Unsurprisingly, that shaped the way we experienced our childhood.

The irony is that you're telling me I've "lost perspective", while simultaneously telling me that my own lived experience of my parents should be overridden because they paid for things. That's a rather extraordinary position to take.
Two things can be true at once. I can be grateful for the opportunities they gave me and acknowledge that they were emotionally distant and largely uninterested in our inner lives. One doesn't erase the other.
I also wasn't talking about adoption, surrogacy or any of the other situations you listed. I was describing my own relationship. Reading my comment as a statement about every possible family dynamic feels like a determined misreading.

It isn't "punishment" to have the relationship with your parents that reflects the relationship they built with you over decades. Relationships are more than a balance sheet. If they weren't, we'd all agree that buying affection was enough. Its not as though I do not love or care about them I do, I just don't know much about them, trust me I have tried.

If the answer to every criticism of parenting is 'but they paid for things', then we're not really talking about parenting at all we're talking about transactions.

I'm really uncomfortable with the idea that you can make up for emotionally neglecting a child by effectively paying them off. These are two very different needs and one can't replace the other.

The stately homes threads should really be mandatory reading.

The more and more you post OP the more it becomes evident that you didn’t tell them because you assumed they wouldn’t care rather than you forgot, if you had been honest in your OP you might have gotten a bit more sympathy.
I have seen it within my own family, there comes a point where someone looks around and thinks damn i wish i was closer to them but now i don’t know how to be and so they latch on to the newest members hoping that they can atleast be close to them as there is no history of detachment/awkwardness, for me its my 2yo, there is an 8 and a half year gap between my older 4 and her, and family seems to have come out of the woodwork trying to bond with her more than they did with my older 4, when i had my older 4 they either had their own young children or were busy etc and maybe your mum feels that your pregnancy/ child is/was her chance to form a bond with her grandchild like she wasn’t able to with the older grandchildren? As you pointed out you speak to her the most out of her children and maybe she hoped that would mean she could bond with your child more?
Whether you intentionally withheld the information or not because you assumed she wouldn’t care -you were clearly wrong and she does care, i think the best thing now is to tell her that you assumed she wouldn’t be bothered and see what she says, apologise and see if you can get her more involved with the remaining weeks of your pregnancy maybe.

How do you know she cares?

I think this thread is kind of split between those who understand and those who don’t. How you were brought up will determine your stance on this and people have generally only experienced one way. Those who don’t understand will never do so, and will maintain that your mother obviously wants to have a relationship with her ‘first’ grandchild. Those who do understand see that for you, your mother is perhaps like an ex line manager almost, facilitating your job progression but with no deeper emotional attachment.

I’d recommend counselling but not to fix your relationship with your parents as I don’t think there is anything to fix. You call and discuss Andy Burnham and everyone seems fine with this. You have close relationships with other family, school friends and in-laws and everyone seems fine with this too. But in counselling you can get all this straight in your head and that’s never a bad thing.

Next time your mother expresses surprise you didn't tell her something, just point out that she wasn’t interested when the other 8 grandchildren were born, or the last two promotions you had, or the last house move so you presumed she wasn’t interested in this one either.

If you wanted you could say she wasn’t interested in the last nine grandchildren and see if she realises 🤣.

If she didn’t care she wouldn’t have been upset.

Oh my sweet summer child.

@Avie29

From OP…..

I have spoken to them today. I don’t think they’re that bothered by it instead they got over it we spent almost an hour talking about Andy Burnham and where they plan to go to on holiday next same old same old.

Not upset, not bothered.

Morning OP I think more therapy is an excellent idea. The stately homes thread on Relationships will be interesting reading too.

In fact, I feel bad you asked your question on AIBU not Relationships where you would have got more nuanced answers.

OP - have you ever thought about what your young self - your child self would have wanted. You say you’ve had lots of therapy so I don’t want to go into inner child work. But from what you’re saying- that child still needs a lot of healing. Do you think there is any repair around the relationship with your mother?

OP can’t repair anything because she can’t change her mother. A mother who hated her own mother, didn’t want children , but had them because that’s what you do, forgot about her child’s peanut allergy, threw away a grandchild’s picture as clutter etc. Therapy can’t fix another person. OP managed to find a healthyish , mutually satisfying balance between accepting her parents for who they are and still maintaining a relationship, while emotionally protecting herself. That’s good enough.

Philip Larkin’s poem This Be The Verse has never seemed as true to me as after reading this thread.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

OP it seems to me that your parents did not have the tools to parent you in the way you needed, all they can do is parent you the way they were. My mother didn’t have the tools either. All you can do is try to break the cycle. I wish you and your son all the best.

Sorry, HRTHT. You say you're detached from them and don't think about them, so why would you even think to tell them your good news. Sure, it's an unusual situation to me, but I wasn't sent away to school and raised in an institution. They neglected you emotionally and shouldn't be surprised at your indifference towards them.

IMO you are clearly furious with your parents. Rather than raising this with them and accepting the possible negative repercussions that might bring, you are punishing them with passive-aggression.

It is not credible that someone could 'forget' to invite their parents to the wedding. That was an unconscious choice. Equally, it is not credible that someone pregnant with a wanted first child could 'forget' to mention it over the course of several phone calls.

You are protecting yourself from possible hurt by detaching from your parents and then punishing them by excluding them the important parts of your life.

I am reasonably certain this analysis is correct. I used to behave in a similar way with my own mother. I was completely unaware of it until I had extensive therapy during the 20 years I trained and then practiced as a psychodynamic psychotherapist.