AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

That’s understandable. I’m not saying that childhood was this awful childhood etc but my siblings and I are allowed to feel how we feel in terms of our own personal experiences with our family. I believe two things can be true at the same time. We could had a privileged childhood but also we can still feel hurt. I have seen how they have treated/not care about their many grandchildren, they have 8 grandchildren who can they cultivate a relationship with. No one has ever stopped them it’s one thing to do that and another thing to throw away a picture of your newborn grandchild as ‘it’s clutter’ yes you can say it’s just a photo but I think that solidified it for my sister. She didn’t even try to argue none of us are argumentative she just got on with her life with her husband kids and the family members that are interested. I just don’t think they cared about my child if they can do that to an already living child what would make me think they’d care about my unborn child.

I will leave the door open for them if they ever decide that they’d like to get to know my son he’ll have access to them but I highly doubt they’ll care that much. I just have to create a bond with my son strong enough for him to feel comfortable enough to tell me things about his life and I’ll make sure to retain that information. They probably won’t remember his name amongst the other 8 that they have.

I don’t think boarding school is a privilege - but lots of people do it because they think it’s providing a good education, so I would think the motivation by parents was not based on bad intentions. They don’t sound like bad parents to deserve being left out.

Overall it would have taken very little effort to mention the pregnancy, it’s not much to do.

I think OP is trying to work through something and perhaps would have viewed it further as rejection if parents lacked interest in the pregnancy/baby. I think Op would likely benefit from counselling by the sounds of it as it sounds like a way of dealing with past hurt by avoidance of raising the subject.

I have spoken to them today. I don’t think they’re that bothered by it instead they got over it we spent almost an hour talking about Andy Burnham and where they plan to go to on holiday next same old same old.

I’m sorry op, I feel like I’ve been harsh now- I think you are dealing with past feelings of rejection and feeling alone, despite having some good experiences and material comforts. I can see how you feel you were leaving yourself open to further hurt by disclosing. I don’t think you forgot I just think you decided to hold back for self preservation.

I’m sorry op. I think it would help you to interrogate why you make these calls. They are pointless really. You get nothing from them.

im sorry your parents cannot be supportive and warm. You don’t have to help them carry on a fiction.

Brief call how are you. They start about politics. ‘That’s nice dad. Gotta go’

I don’t dislike speaking to them ? They like calling it gives them something to do and occupy themselves with for an hour or so

I like having a conversation about with them about what’s happening we often debate it doesn’t have to delve deep into my life as I know that’s not the type of relationship that we’ve ever had

I think it’s worth reflecting on why you started the thread and take ownership of your emotions and actions in relation to your parents.

In my experience we can have ‘dealt’ with complicated relationships and then other events in our life throw it all up again. A work in progress, if you will. Eg I’m pregnant with my third child and all my own ‘mum stuff’ is coming to the surface when I’ve barely thought of her since before I had kids. Not sure why it’s this one that is dredging everything up!

No one here can really know the complexities of your relationship and what your parents are really like. My own mum isn’t capable of love, my MIL is flawed in some of the ways you say your parents are (emotionally distant, finds emotions difficult. One pregnancy announcement was greeted with the response that she didn’t want to know that early - 10 weeks - in case I had a miscarriage! ) but her love for me and her children shines through in many other ways and I love her dearly. Her way isn’t my way but I see how she tries to connect with me and our family. My SIL sometimes construes these attempts negatively when they are MILs attempts to reach out.

Good luck in processing everything. Pregnancy and motherhood are weird times for shaking up our subconscious.

Thanks I’m not sure whether they’ll want to be involved with my son he’s no different to the other 8 grandchildren that they have but if they’d like to love him I won’t deny my son a relationship with his grandparents. I guess we will have to see when he’s born.

I am working on seeking the right help in hopes I can be a good mother to my son. I think I’ll be alright he’s wanted and we are excited to meet him. I’ve had a miscarriage previously so to be this far along is exciting and I’m going to try my hardest for my son. He’s got grandparents who are amazing are so excited to meet him, DHs family is very excited, my siblings are excited other extended family. We aren’t doing this alone we couldn’t do it alone it’s good to have a village and I’ve see how our village has showed up for my nephews and nieces and how amazing well adjusted they are I think we just have to take it one step at a time no rush. I don’t expect to be a good mother I expect I’ll make tons of mistakes but I hope my son and I can have a strong bond despite it all

I’m not commenting on them wanting a relationship with your son or not - I’m talking only about your own mental health ❤️ You sound like you’ll be an amazing mother and your son will have a very loving family.

As I said no one here can really judge your parents other than you, I just think you should interrogate yourself on why you started this thread.

Thinking about what OP reveals in this thread, perhaps without realizing what she is revealing, I'm tempted to throw F. Scott Fitzgerald into the mix:
"Let me tell you about the very rich. They are different from you and me. They possess and enjoy early, and it does something to them, makes them soft where we are hard, and cynical where we are trustful, in a way that, unless you were born rich, it is very difficult to understand."

Did you actually forget or choose not to share that information?
Do you have other issues with object permanence?
What made you decide to tell them in that most recent phone call? It’s hardly gap-filler conversation, it’s a significant life event!

Do your parents speak to any of your siblings? Wouldn't they have mentioned it to them?

When you talk to your mum and dad, do they ever say anything about your siblings or their grandchildren, e.g. what they're doing at work/school or where they're going on holiday?

I think you are full of resentment and honestly I don't believe that you forgot to tell them. I could believe that if you hardly spoke to them but presumably you spoke to them when you discovered you were pregnant and when you had the scans, so it's hard to believe you'd forget to mention it. This baby is highly welcomed by you - weren't you excited to tell them?

Not relevant to the thread but that is by far my favourite Julia Donaldson book!

I'm also wondering why it came up, I wonder if op is going to see them in person soon so she had to tell them

Out of 3 of my siblings I speak to my parents the most. I don’t think my siblings would mention things about me to my parents ? They barely speak to them so I don’t exactly see how I would come up in the conversation.

They don’t know much about my siblings either, my brothers have since changed jobs but my parents still think they’re doing the same thing they were doing 10 or so years ago. I’ve corrected them but it’s not information they choose to retain.

You might have misunderstood and I may have not explained it properly. I just do not think they care about anything in my life therefore didn’t think it mattered to them if I was expecting my first child or not. They’re not interested in my nieces and nephews they’ve never asked me about them, maybe to my siblings but I doubt it since my siblings don’t seem that bothered by them or really what they have to say. It’s not that I wasn’t excited I did think at the start to tell them then realised they probably wouldn’t care. To us this baby is a big deal as the previous pregnancy didn’t work out so we were very excited and told everyone that we knew cared and would have liked to know. I forgot that I hadn’t actually told them and then time just went on. First pregnancy I did want to share but then I had a miscarriage so next pregnancy I just wanted to tell those that would have been excited for us.

My eldest brother hasn’t spoken to them for almost a year, he actively isn’t interested. I think for him it’s different he’s just moved on with life. Had a wonderful wife, she has a great family and they’re not living in the uk they seem happy I see them quite often and speak to my brother often, my siblings and I are all quite close. None of us really think of our parents as parents they’re just people who gave birth to us never really showed an interest in what we do or our lives. I don’t think they mean it maliciously it’s just not how they are. I don’t think they show interest in what many people do.

I think you may not have considered that while your parents don’t have a warm emotional bond with you, that doesn’t mean neither of them wish to. They may simply not know how.

Are they geographically accessible? Could you go and see them, or invite them to come to you?
Speak to them separately over the next couple of weeks. Ask your mum what she is expecting about the baby, how often she thinks she’ll visit etc.
You could point out that you know he’s grandchild number 9, and that she may not have time to be too involved. See how she reacts. She may say she’s sad not to see more of the others, but… give her reason. Or she may say, ‘oh yes, I want regular updates!’, which basically means occasionally photos and the current phone call set up.

At least you’ll know.

they’re just people who gave birth to us never really showed an interest in what we do or our lives

There is SUCH a big gap between "just people who gave birth to us" and parents who never really showed an interest in what you did ou your lives. This is so, so disrespectful and dismissive of children given up at adoption, children born of surrogates, a child born to an unknowing father, children separated from their parents for MH reasons and never reunited etc. These are children who can say "they're just people who gave birth to us". Your parents are not these parents, you are not those children. I'm not saying it's a race to the bottom. I'm saying you've lost perspective totally (as evidenced by not telling someone - anyone, could be the binman! - you speak to twice a month that you're having a baby soon).

Parents who never really showed an interest in what you did or your lives aren't parents who have four children, who find, fund and pay for boarding schools that made you happy and gave you lifelong friendships, who arrange with family to have you for periods of summer holidays, with whom you still speak twice a month, who gave you a flat in Earls Court rent-free, who set you up with a job. Sure, they weren't as present or attentive as you wanted or needed. But they didn't do NOTHING.

Posters who were pointing out your privilege weren't saying "they paid for shit, therefore they deserve to know if you're pregnant". They're saying "they did do stuff for you, more in many respects than lots and lots and lots of children get but it wasn't even enough for you to have the courtesy or decency to say the words "I'm having a baby" ". That's why people are accusing you of wanting to punish them.

Phrasing it as "not having the courtesy or decency" is missing the point and potentially unnecessarily hurtfull to the OP.

Her parents obviously aren't someone she would feel comfortable sharing her miscariage with. So there was no reason to tell them early on.

And later - if they never ever discuss anything about her life, it just didn't happen.
They are equally responsible for the communication lines they have with their adult children. If they never discuss personal lifes, they don't learn about it.

Anyway, it sounds that they got over it already.

Spot on.

Yes I agree with you

Look OP I understand that you feel what you feel but you do come across quite out of touch and … yes a bit privileged and not understanding how good you have it.

The previous OP was very spot on, they didn’t just give birth to you and then nothing, they did a lot more than nothing. Maybe you don’t remember yourself as a small child but there is a lot of work going into a baby you wayyyyyy before you can ship them off to the boarding school. You describe wonderful memories on holidays. Clearly it wasn’t an abusive household or miserable household. Obviously they wanted to give you best start in life with boarding schools, many people think it’s the best education and connections and environment you can have. And obviously they set you up for success with a job and a flat in Earl’s Court. Do you really think you’d be able to have your current lifestyle if they genuinely didn’t care and didn’t do it for you? Just read about how much people struggle all their life with poorly paid jobs and trying to get on the property ladder? Do you realise how worn down people become in this constant fight for survival in COL crisis?

do you know what real uncaring parents are? Have you read about Baby P? About abandoned children? Abused and neglected children? You have no idea what real parental neglect is. Like, ZERO clue.

sure they didn’t give you what you craved - and maybe they are both on the spectrum so they don’t know how (heck, maybe you too, everyone seems to be on the spectrum here) and of course parental affection is incredibly important and lack of it is damaging but you seem to have very black and white view and jumping between extremes

I agree.

as I posted previously I was a parent as a teenager. I was also made the only legal parent as my awful ex had his parental rights revoked. Coercive grooming violent monster and the list goes on. That poor excuse for a human can go on a list of biological useless parent.

but the OP’s parents have tried. They have been there throughout their kids life’s and on top of that have paid for private education. I think they have probably done the best that they can.

But to the OP and her siblings the parents seem to be emotionally switched off. I can sympathise to a degree with that as mine are similar and it took my therapist spelling it out for me to realise I was emotionally neglected as a very young child, as well as then expected to look after all my younger siblings. I still love my parents but I know in many ways they are not available to me and never have been. I wasn’t shown love.

OP I still think your best answer is decent therapy as you don’t want to pass any of this on to your child. My answer to my parents parenting and my parenting was to do the complete opposite to anything they did.

I agree.

People are being harsh on OP. Gently OP, you sound very detached from them, and I assume that's a form of self defense, because to confront the truth would be a very emotional experience for you. What I will say is that repressing feelings isn't healthy for you psychologically. You can recognise you were privileged in terms of education whilst still feeling grief about your childhood, or feeling angry at your parents. I'd really encourage you to let yourself process your emotions. It's okay to be mad at them.

Also, boarding school is absolutely damaging for a lot of people. It has a massive impact to be separated from your caregivers for essentially you're entire childhood. It will impact how you relate to others and the world, so it's understandable OP has behaved in a way others might feel is odd in this situation. I am not placing blame on OPs parents as they will have loved her in their own way, but it sounds like OP did not feel that secure attachment, interest, and unconditional love that helps us to feel secure in adulthood. It's quite normal to develop avoidant traits if you've not had that experience.

You have to remember OP was a child once. I don't think she's willfully punishing her parents. She's unconsciously trying to protect herself, because if she tells herself they don't care in the first place, it can't hurt if they really don't show any interest.

People underestimate the impact that not feeling centred and completely loved will have on a child. You don't need to have been abused or etc to struggle with relationships and feel damaged emotionally. We are all shaped by our early childhood experiences, and for OP to be so detached from her parents suggests boarding school had a significant impact.

I went to state school, but grew up lucky in terms of holidays, money for a mortgage etc. However I had a very authoritarian father who is critical of everything, and a very passive mother who never defended me. It's left me with a lot of emotional/relational difficulties and I hold a lot of anger and grief around my childhood, but I still love my parents and can acknowledge they've tried their best. Parental relationships are probably the most complex ones you will ever have!

School holidays are between 12 and 17 weeks per year depending on the school/country. So between 1/4 and 1/3 of the year.
I went to boarding school at 7. I know/knew my parents well. And as DC 6 I was largely left to my own devices. I think the story you tell yourself is probably a bit of an adaptation of the truth.

MN really, really needs a mute/block button for posters like you.

People who not only can't be bothered to RTFT but insist on giving these ridiculous "Cancel the cheque!" responses.