AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

Well your post was deleted anyway. Now, if you having else to say about the actual thread rather than me or the OP, please leave me alone.

I understand where you are coming from although I think it's odd that you 'forget they exist'. Your DM is entitled to her own feelings and opinions and you're entitled to yours. I understand being brought up in an institution by strangers. It changes everything. The idea of me being on the phone or texting my Mum every day, week, month or even year, like some on MN do, is alien to me. Don't get me started on shopping and spa days. I'd rather eat nails. I guess the question is, how much involvement are parents going to have with your new baby? If it's not much or even never see them, I don't suppose it matters what she feels. My DP had virtually no involvement with their GC by choice. Wasn't their thing at all.

You can move on to the King of the North now 😂Interesting that your parents are academic. I can imagine your conversations. Phone conversations with DM always went - me: '"how are you?" Her: "Fine." Silence. Someone asks about the weather. Conversation ends pretty quickly. Phone conversation with DF, almost non-existent.

I can understand why they're really upset, you clearly haven't forgotten they exist until now as you've said you speak to them every other week on the phone. I could understand if you only spoke to them once a year and you just haven't spoke to them during pregnancy until now or haven't spoke to them in years. A gentle yabu op I do recommend you go back to therapy perhaps with a different therapist.

You’ve watched your parents’ reactions to your siblings’ life events and I am wondering if that has led you to expect the same from them. I think it’s quite understandable that you’ve held back from sharing your news, especially after what your mum said about the death of her mum. Maybe subconsciously you’re keeping back so they can’t hurt you? Or reject your son like they have their other grandchildren ?
They can’t really expect much different from you - they’ve been distant with you all, but maybe as you speak to them the most, they feel closer to you?
I’m so glad you have a warmer relationship with your siblings and their families. That’s a blueprint for how you own little family can be. Enjoy your son - all will be good

This is bizzare. You feel entitled to know as soon as she knows and anything else would be incredibly hurtful? Sounds extremely self-centered.

We made a choice to wait for a few weeks, we didn't want to communicate the fragile stage and having to talk about a potential early miscarriage to four other people live.
In the end we told both sets of parents at ten weeks mark and everyone was fine with it.

I totally understand that someone more distant from their parents would want to wait after the first scan at the very least.

You need to dig deep and consider if your siblings are influencing how you feel about your parents. You say you enjoy your chats with your parents, you are grateful for what they did with the tools they had, they supported you in early adulthood, they gave you a privileged childhood and a big step up in adulthood. You refer to how she treats your siblings and nieces/nephews as to the reason you thought she wouldn't care. But she is showing you that she cares with regular calls and her upset and not being told about your pregnancy. The more you comment, the more it seems that your parents do care.
ETA I wonder if your phrases such as forgot they exist/forget I have parents are lines you've heard from your siblings and took on yourself. You don't forget you have parents you're in regular contact with and you also said you didn't mention it because you didn't think they would care, that's not forgetting you have parents.

You’ve still not answered if you and your siblings agreed to keep pregnancies secret. Do you or your parents ever actually meet up with your parents.
It’s certainly very odd to forget to tell someone you are peaking to weekly that you are getting married or that you are in the late stages of pregnancy.
what is the motivation for the weekly calls?

No one agreed or disagreed we didn’t have a discussion in regards to that ? I told them we were expecting again after miscarriage and they were supportive. I just don’t think it would be information that really mattered to them or made a difference to their lives. They’ve got plenty of other grandchildren who they barely know and haven’t wanted to know albeit the door open for them if they’d like to.

I do forget they’re my parents and not just relatives I don’t talk to them about anything substantial or of any important to me. Our conversions are mundane

Definitely. Obviously those posters have never seen the stately homes threads. 🙄

Considering OP’s mum talked to her own mum on a nearly daily basis but was glad when she died because she won’t ever have to “see or speak to her again” maybe OP doesn’t give those regular phonecalls as much weight as you do?

Why do you insist in gaslighting OP rather than actually reading and taking in what she posts?

You must have deliberately not mentioned it to them if you speak to them every couple of weeks or so. When you are pregnant for the first time you don't forget you are pregnant. That's an awful lot of phonecalls over the course of your pregnancy so far. And you forgot you were pregnant every single time? During none of those calls were you feeling sick or uncomfortable or thinking about an appointment you had that morning or was coming up the next day?

You may have decided not to tell your parents because you didn't think they were interested. But you didn't forget.

They've already got eight grandchildren and they are distant with all of them. That is one of the reasons why OP didn't think that they would care about knowing that she was pregnant.

Yes, this has been pointed out to me, several times.

OP's parents sent her away to boarding school when she was only 7. I can't even imagine parents that could do that to their small children. They weren't career diplomats living in war-torn dangerous countries that wouldn't be safe for their children. Her dad was a hedge fund manager. They didn't need to send their kids away. They just wanted to.

They already have eight grandchildren who they aren't bothered about.

As they showed no interest in their other grandchildren, OP didn't think that they would care about her pregnancy either. They obviously don't have any maternal or paternal feelings for their own children. They are all like polite acquintances.

You blaming OP makes you sound pretty horrible.

It’s not that she forgot they exist, more that she doesn’t think of them as parents, or at least as parents should be.

Omg OP.
What sort of childhoods did your parents have?

The people who are accusing the OP of being cruel don’t understand people like the OP’s parents. The parents are upset because the OP hasn’t done her duty. They aren’t upset because they feel unloved or freezed out or whatever. They probably would feel the same of she didn’t send a thank you card.

OP you’ve done nothing wrong. Would you consider saying this to them: “I’m sorry that you are upset about this but truthfully you never show any interest in your grandchildren so I didn’t think you would need to know so soon, besides the baby isn’t here yet so the pregnancy is irrelevant to your life at this stage.” They may get the hint.

Who initiates the fortnightly calls? I stopped making the effort with my mum and it ended up with us going many months without phone contact, and years without in person contact. Not all parents live their children.

Not the first time.

The poster said herself;

“had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends“

This does not sound like a bad childhood. Through my job I know some really neglected children who have absolutely nothing - so yes I do think it sounds ungrateful.. this “what of it/ what more do you want” sort of mindset and I think it’s crappy attitude to have. I think OP should have had the courtesy to tell her parents. They don’t sound like they deserve that treatment.

They’re getting exactly what they sowed, from all their children , not just OP . In fact OP is the one that makes the most effort with them. That should tell you something if you can see past your prejudice against her privilege.

I have no prejudice against her privilege at all and I’ve never said anything to suggest that - so not quite sure where you’re coming from. I’m saying that her parents have provided for her well, many people view boarding school as giving a good education- yes they may have not been perfect - but no parents are perfect and these don’t sound bad at all from what has been said.
The least she could have done is told them, I think it’s rude and ungrateful. I stand by that.

OP's brother didn't even tell his parents that he and his wife were having a baby until after it was born. OP has said that her parents weren't bothered. They have eight grandchildren that they don't bother with. She assumed that her parents would be the same with her child.

Also, going to boarding school isn't a privilege. OP could have had a privileged education at a non-residential school. Boarding school often really fucks up the kids who go are sent there by their parents.