AIBU for telling my parents about my pregnancy very late? I just sometimes forget they even exist or that I have parents

[BeBreezyAquaFinch]

I need an objective gauge on this because my mother is currently upset with me, and I’m genuinely struggling to see if I’ve done something wrong.

A bit of background: I (35) am heavily pregnant with my first baby with DH, main due date is in early September but baby could come in August. My husband and I are thrilled and looking forward to being parents. Last week, I was on a casual catch up call with my mother and happened to mention the pregnancy. When she asked how far along I was and I told her, she became incredibly upset that I’d kept it a ‘secret’ for so long. The issue is it wasn’t a secret I just didn’t think they’d care. They’ve never really cared about anytbing I’ve been up to. They came to the wedding I even forgot to invite them till my husband asked. It’s not that I’m upset I just forget that they exist sometimes.

To preface: I am not heartbroken or bitter about my upbringing. I had an incredibly privileged childhood and have very fond memories of my parents taking us skiing, on holidays, I got to see the world from a very young age and picking us up for exeat weekends. But the reality is, I barely know them. We did not have nannys or anything of that sort, there’s 4 of us altogether. They’d pick us up from boarding school, take us out etc but all in all we were kind of left to our own devices, money was never an issue my father topped up our accounts whenever we wanted never questioned what we spent the money on, we’d have parties at their house all the time they never cared.

From a young age, my siblings and I were sent to boarding school in the UK. My parents lived all over the world for work Monaco, Switzerland, the US, Luxembourg. Even when we briefly went to school in Switzerland, it was a boarding school. We lived with them for maybe a few weeks a year. I made friends for life at school and have done plenty of therapy as an adult to process it all. I don't hate them at all, but I view them as distant relatives or acquaintances who happen to have given birth to me, rather than "parents."Because we only ever have superficial chat, it genuinely didn't cross my mind to announce the pregnancy to them. I just didn't think they'd care that much.

My mother thinks I've been incredibly cold and hurtful by leaving it until the final weeks to tell her she's going to be a grandmother. From my perspective, we don't have that kind of relationship.

So, AIBU? Should I have managed this differently, or is her reaction unreasonable given the distant relationship they chose to cultivate?

I genuinely do not hate them I just forget they exist. I even have fond memories with them but due to my upbringing to me they’re just somewhat random people who happen to be my parents. My husband has a very different relationship with his parents and he too attended boarding school. We do not plan on sending our child to boarding school. I was raised by other people and essentially raised in an insitution.

Ignore me because you know you're wrong. How did the report go considering you're still on here?

I could report you for a) troll hunting and b) personal attacks.

I am struggling to understand how you say you are 'so detached' yet you talk to them every other week.

I hear you that it's mostly about current events etc., and it's a long standing habit, and you can still be emotionally quite distant under those circumstances.

But, at the end of the day, there's effort being made on both sides, from you and your parents, to speak regularly and maintain contact.

It's unusual not to mention something as big as a pregnancy under those circumstances.

It would make sense if you only spoke every 6 months or something, but you are in touch regularly.

I would honestly consider therapy about your relationship with your mum before the baby comes along. The fact that you have treated your future child as something that can be 'forgotten about' with your mum suggests to me that you are re-enacting the distance/neglect (or perceived neglect) that she had from you as a child. Don't let history repeat itself.

So what? OP has already said her dad was a hedge fund manager. What’s lawyers got to do with anything?

I was going to say that I understand that I was in ICU twice and forgot to tell my parents. They were bad parents and as an adult I have never leaned on them for anything so when I was very ill I just didn't think of them because they have never been there. I did get in touch once the dust cleared though and I realised that I had forgot because although they are crap parents I know they care for me deep down. I can't imagine speaking to them every few weeks for months and forgetting to tell them of a pregnancy, especially a first one. That's usually a pretty major time in your life. I'm not surprised that your parents feel that it was purposeful and hurtful, it's a pretty unusual situation.

I am in touch with a counsellor sessions are booked in. I hope to have a bond with my son he’s very much wanted and I’ll do my very best to maintain that bond. DH and I are looking forward to being parents we will make mistakes but I hope we can be better and break my cycle. My siblings have managed to be great parents despite circumstances

I would add that although it's clear you've a difficult relationship with your parents, less than perfect parents can be good grandparents. And your child will feel hurt if you just "forget" to mention things about him/her to your grandparents. It's not only about you and your parents now, there is a third person (your baby) in the relationship - this may help things.

I am sure you will be a great mum, and certainly did not mean to suggest you will not be. I just am struck by the pattern with "forgetting" to mention a child and you being a "forgotten" child - it is something to be aware of.

I honestly think you'll be a great parent.

With this update, truly bizarre.

I can’t imagine forgetting to tell anyone who I speak to fortnightly that I was pregnant, or forgetting to invite someone I speak too that regularly to my wedding.

Did you invite any other family to your wedding? Do you speak to all your friends at least once a fortnight?

Parents or not, someone you have general chit chat with that often is someone you have a relationship with such that I think you’d keep them up to date with your life.

FWIW - I had a good childhood and have what I would consider a healthy relationship with my parents and love them very much, and probably speak to them less than you do your parents and probably just as superficially, and they’ve never asked if I want children - but when I got pregnant they were still one of the first people we told (because they’re my parents and I tell them big life updates, even if I don’t tell them every little thing that happens to me).

I’m not surprised they feel hurt. Is it really true that at no point in the last 7 months of phone calls they’ve not once asked how you are or what you’ve been doing, and you’ve not asked them the same? I’ve asked that of literal acquaintances today as small talk at the start of a phone call, not even because I’ve particularly cared but just to make conversation.

Im sorry but however distant you see your relationship with your parents, I think it’s unforgivable to have not told your parents until you are seven months pregnant. How can you seriously believe that your parents wouldn’t be interested that you are having a baby? I honestly can’t think of anything on earth that would hurt me more than my daughter not telling me she was pregnant as soon as she knew, let alone just a few weeks before the baby was due.

FWIW I also don't mention a lot of personal things to my mum, out of a self-protective feeling. I would never talk about difficulties at work/in friendships etc even though on the surface we have a good relationship. I totally get not mentioning things through not wanting to be vulnerable.

OP my in-laws are like this, so you’re not alone in this at all.

The regular phone calls or contact are out of duty and until recently, when I pulled them up on it, would all be from us to them. If we didn’t take the pre-school aged grandchildren to theirs (a weekend trip away) they wouldn’t see them. I was told they wouldn’t ever be inviting themselves up to see us, as it’s rude, and when they are here we’re very much expected to host and entertain them. They like the anecdotes/photos of the grandchildren and to their friends I’m sure they seem doting and very hands on.

Conversations are exclusively around politics, the latest article in the Economist and what sibling has been doing in their latest project. There have been periods, one of around 9 months that I recall, in which FIL didn’t once ask my DH how his work was going. I’ve given the same response, with the same specific detail about my main project with no progression, for the last year when asked about my work and they’ve yet to notice or ask about next steps.

They're nice enough people, both boarded from a young age and feel they’ve done well to not send DH away, but they’re just not interested in us or our lives and certainly don’t have any space for our hardships. Any difficulties are quickly swept past with an ‘all will be well soon’ response. Almost like the house mistress editing the tears out of letters home.

All this means we’re just not close and it never occurs to DH to tell them our news, good or otherwise - I have to prompt him to do so.

Yes I think you are be unreasonable , in your own words you had a privileged upbringing and I think a bit of gratitude wouldn’t go a miss.

Erm, I think you did report me - my post saying that you are argumentative was deleted.

I did suspect that the thread might not be genuine and I reported it. MN haven't responded and I'm now giving the OP the benefit of the doubt.

What was privileged about it?

I did yes. Your troll hunting post has also been deleted. If you continue to personally attack me, I will report you each time. Just so you know.

Fair enough I’m not sure what can be done. The door is open if they’d like to get to know my son I’m not going to keep him away from them. I’ve seen their relationship with the 8 grandchildren they have so I doubt mine will be any different. They are more than welcome to interact and want to get to know my son I’ll never not allow that. My brother didn’t tell them his wife was even pregnant till she gave birth they didn’t seem that fussed by it. They’ve met all the grandchildren I don’t even think they know which kids belongs to who.

I didn't say you were a troll - I said that you appear to argue a lot.

You are doing a splendid job of proving me right.

OP is grateful AND the only sibling still in regular contact. What more do you want?

I didn't say you did, you called the vunerable OP one, but reported again.

Because they have 8 other grandchildren that they aren’t particularly bothered about? Her brother didn’t even tell their parents until after his baby was born.

It is really true at no point in the 7 months have they asked me how I am or how things are. Our conversations start with hi did you see what happened today…. ie politics or the economy recently it’s been a lot of the triple lock and new PM. Never anything substantial I ask them how they are, they talk about their most recent holiday, putting or gallery visit. My mother is taking art lessons, we talk about that how that’s going never anything about me. They still think I work at the same place I worked at 5 years ago, I have mentioned that I got a new job/got promoted etc I don’t think they care enough to retain that sort of information. I have tried to bond with them but they don’t seem interested so I just listen to what they have to say and engage in their commentary then just get on with my life.

Do you think that it's quite damning that some people think privilege means "getting money thrown at it", rather than attention and interest and actually living with the children you brought into the world?

I didn't call the OP a troll. I did say that I was finding the thread hard to believe and I explained the reasons why after being lured in by different fake threads this week. I also apologised if I was wrong, which it appears I was.