AIBU to feel upset after engagement plans and seeing his grief?

[ihatesonic]

Not sure if this is the end of my relationship.

I have had a difficult life with physical, sexual and financial abuse so my radar is not always right.

My two adult children live with me which is relevant as I can't live with my partner all the time and he had always been accepting of. They are both disabled.

His kids and grandkids love me and he says I have brought them together in the last six months.

This weekend we bought an engagement ring. Wedding is planned for next year. He wants to get my and his (adult) kids together in the next few weeks to propose. Sent a pic of said ring to my kida and they were less enthusiastic than expected. They like him and were originally happy for us.

I come home and one shows me his social media of last week at his deceased wifes (not his kids mum) grave. He was clearly still grieving in the video. He was widowed 18 months ago and we started a relationship about 12 months ago.

Constantly asks me if I am sure but gets annoyed if I ask him the same.

I was so excited as I never really wanted to get married again and came home so full of plans but feel like a fool now.

So AIBU to be upset. He thinks so

I dont think he is fully ready to move on yet. His wife died 18 months ago and your relationship began soon afterwards. Buying a ring sounds like jumping the gun. I would have left it at least another year.

It wasn't my idea to get married, it was his. He seemed to hsve always moved on quickly from previous relationships (his exes) but I am left feeling very much a replacement now. Like he just doesn't want to be alone

This is rushed. You really don't know him after a year and your kids aren't too thrilled with the idea. I'd slow the roll here.

Yeah, I think he has rushed into a new relationship and odds are that you might regret it if you don’t slow things down a bunch. At 12 months you barely know him.

This is far too quick. Pull back, take it slowly.

Moving on quickly is not unusual and, at the risk of being sexist, is more common in men when their wife dies.

Being grief stricken when your spouse dies is normal and the grief will always be there, even if you find someone else. If you are happy with someone else, the grief will be accommodated and not be prominent. A new spouse has to accept it especially if the deceased was the mother or father of children.

I have to say him getting together only six months after being widowed is a little too soon, so is getting engaged eighteen months after the bereavement. I'd ask him to wait longer, each continue living in your own homes and get to know each other more.

I'm not surprised your children are less than enthusiastic, this is going to have an impact on their lives. You say they are both disabled, are they ready for someone outside of the family to see how they cope, what they have to do, on a day to day basis?

Please be careful and cautious, ihatesonic.

one shows me his social media of last week at his deceased wifes (not his kids mum) grave. He was clearly still grieving in the video

Seriously, a grown man old enough to have grandchildren is posting videos of himself grieving at his wife's grave on social media? I feel so old, I thought visiting a grave was a personal activity, not something to share on Facebook/insta.

I don't think it needs to be the end of your relationship OP. Just slow things down a bit. Maybe put the wedding off until the year after next? What's the rush?

I think I would want to take careful stock of what role this man wants or needs you to play in his life.

He had barely any time living by himself after his wife passed and to rush into remarriage at such a pace suggests he is trying to fill a gap rather than build a genuine new partnership based on mutuality.

The fact that you feel it’s too soon is a big red flag that you should take note of rather than just go along with it.

I would think it odd if he wasn’t still grieving his wife after 18 months!! Slow things down. It’s crazy to marry him so quickly.

Do you feel you have some control and an equal say in this relationship and how it's progressing, or are you just following his lead? It all feels rushed and a bit weird.

6 months is too soon to be embarking on a new relationship post bereavement. I feel like if you had good strong boundaries and self esteem, you would not have started dating him. And now you're engaged too soon.

Getting engaged, deciding on your wedding plans then inviting your children around to propose in front of them is SUPER weird. You're already engaged so what exactly is the point of a proposal, let alone a public one - it's not a spectator sport!

In what way did you bring him together with his children and grandchildren?

I'm sorry but this all feels off in lots of ways, I have a strong feeling that he has an ulterior motive for locking you down ASAP.

Well at the risk of sounding blunt, this is a car crash waiting to happen. Don’t be so grateful and actually put some value on yourself and your family.

Why rush?

I read somewhere that the happier someone was in their marriage the faster they are likely to move on once bereaved. However the fact you are having doubts now means it might be too fast and so maybe ask him to wait another year. Him wanting to recreate a happy marriage is not necessarily bad but it won’t hurt to wait a bit.

I am left feeling very much a replacement now. Like he just doesn't want to be alone

The way you feel seems likely to be accurate. There was never any need to rush into either a relationship or a marriage so quickly otherwise. You and he got together extremely quickly after his wife died - far too soon for him to have processed and grieved his loss. Don’t marry him OP. You barely know who he is.

Constantly asks me if I am sure but gets annoyed if I ask him the same.

He gets annoyed?

And he thinks you're unreasonable to be upset at seeing for the first time how hurt he still is by his wife's death.

Does he often hear your thoughts & feelings as criticism and shut you down?

His kids and grandkids love me and he says I have brought them together in the last six months.

This is lovely. What does it mean that you've brought them together? Were they not handling their bereavement well; what have the issues been?

I agree it's wise to slow down. It'll be interesting to see how he reacts.

Yes, your instincts are correct.

Don't marry him.

If you are still together in two years, you can discuss it again then.

Gosh, I missed the bit where he gets annoyed at you when you try to question things.

So we have a guy who is still grieving, you barely know him having dated for 12 months living apart, he has a history of rebound relationships, he gets annoyed when he's challenged and you've somehow agreed to marry him even though you didn't want to. You have disabled children who presumably you support and who rely on you.

This is bad. Really bad. I'm sorry.

I don't think either of you are in the right headspace for a committed relationship to be quite honest but he is DEFINITELY not the right one for you right now.

18 months?? Jesus, why can't men pause after they lose a spouse and why must they be trying to replace her? 12 months after losing a wife is FAR FAR too soon to start dating and you're absolutely crazy to consider getting engaged 12 months in. Your children seem more screwed on than you do on this. Slow the fuck down. Of COURSE he's grieving his wife. He's still in the midst of fresh grief. 18 months is nothing when it comes to grieving a loved spouse. There is a phenomenon of men starting new relationships very quickly after being widowed. Open your eyes.

That sounds like a nonsense theory! Where did you read that?

I'm also curious about the video of him grieving at her grave. That's an odd thing to put online, imo. Is that actually common to share, these days? Personally, I'd find that a red flag in and of itself.

If you're feeling uncertain, there's no need to rush. You can take things a little more slowly. If this relationship is the real thing, it will last. If it can't withstand a little delay for you to get to know one another more thoroughly, it's better to find out now before entangling yourselves legally and financially.

I have read this theory too, but no idea where as I read a lot of things around the subject when I was widowed. It makes sense to me.

I mean TBF op as brutal as it sounds she's barely cold. Did you not think it was quick when you met and he said oh yeah my Mrs died six months ago?!

This sounds very, very quick and if you go through with this I think it’ll be really hard for you later down the line.

He started a relationship 6 months after his wife died? And engaged a year after that? Of course he wasn’t finished grieving, and he was too weak to go through the process so decided to find a woman to prop him up

This weekend we bought an engagement ring. Wedding is planned for next year. He wants to get my and his (adult) kids together in the next few weeks to propose.

erm why? You have a ring, you’re planning the wedding already! You are engaged - why the cringe fest of others watching you pretend to be surprised by the offer of marriage??

Or is this something else he wants for the ‘gram - posted next to the last wife’s grave pic.

this is all v v strange.