AIBU to feel upset after engagement plans and seeing his grief?

[ihatesonic]

Not sure if this is the end of my relationship.

I have had a difficult life with physical, sexual and financial abuse so my radar is not always right.

My two adult children live with me which is relevant as I can't live with my partner all the time and he had always been accepting of. They are both disabled.

His kids and grandkids love me and he says I have brought them together in the last six months.

This weekend we bought an engagement ring. Wedding is planned for next year. He wants to get my and his (adult) kids together in the next few weeks to propose. Sent a pic of said ring to my kida and they were less enthusiastic than expected. They like him and were originally happy for us.

I come home and one shows me his social media of last week at his deceased wifes (not his kids mum) grave. He was clearly still grieving in the video. He was widowed 18 months ago and we started a relationship about 12 months ago.

Constantly asks me if I am sure but gets annoyed if I ask him the same.

I was so excited as I never really wanted to get married again and came home so full of plans but feel like a fool now.

So AIBU to be upset. He thinks so

Let's put aside the fact that his wife had been dead for a whole 24 weeks when you met.
Lets instead concentrate on him putting an attention seeking post online of himself grieving over her grave. Where your children, his children, your family and friends could see. How old is this man?
It wouldn't be for me. Stop this madness. Look at why you appear to be desperate to create a family dynamic with his adult children. Are you competing with the dead ex wife?
It's just all abit grim.

Red flags are -

1. Social media posting the grave grieving - who is he trying to prove what to? Massive ick.

2. You mention you brought him and his grandkids closer - so I reckon hes possibly been a bit shit with looking after his grandkids (possibly his kids too) and since you've come in and hes upped the "fathery love" to impress you - but its not genuinely his nature. OR he's so lazy that he cant be bothered with his family unless you're going to organise it for him. Not sure which is worse.

3. He moves on quickly - why do you want a man like that? It would bother me to know that in all probability - he'd be dating 6 months after I'd popped my clogs. Did he miraculously find you after 6 months? I'm willing to bet he was looking before that, unless he struck it lucky and the 1st woman he laid his eyes on was into him.

4. If you haven't lived together - you don't really know all his quirks and oddities well enough to marry.

Orange flag (possibly only me)
5) You bought a ring together - so was this more like a general discussion that spiralled? If you'd been together 10 years - with intertwined finances and children etc... so decided together to marry and go ring shopping, I'd say fair enough (not very romantic though). However - seems odd for a new relationship that he wouldnt want more of a surprise proposal?

I have actually found the opposite among the people I know. It's like they have been miserable all this time and are trying to grab one last chance at happiness.

This has disaster written all over it. Sorry.

I would think being at your deceased wife's grave would always be upsetting and it wasn't that long ago that she died. You are not in competition with her, but she will always have been part of his life, it's not like they were divorced and he was wanting to get back together.

I'd be wary he was using you as both a a tool to get over his grief, and as a replacement service human.

Why would he need you to bring him closer to his own children and grandchildren? Becase he needs a working fembot to do the work for him?

What are the living arrangements post marriage supposed to be?

It does all seem rather quick but that said there is nothing wrong with a very very very long engagement!! That will give you time to assess your relationship and be sure that you are both on the same page going forward.

OP, listen to your instincts and your dcs. You are meant to be overjoyed when you get engaged, not full of spidey feelings.
Doesn't matter his situation or feelings right now. If it doesn't feel right for you and yours slow it right down. If he proves himself genuine good, if not better not to be married.
I lost my husband 6 months ago and honestly I struggle to get through the day.

It makes sense to me. If you're in an iffy relationship and your partner dies, why would you want to walk into another one? If your relationship was nothing but joy, then you'd want to recreate that as fast as possible.

It doesn't necessarily work out of course, but I can see the principle. It also explains why more men get married again quickly than women because more men are blind to the fact that their relationship isn't brilliant from the partner's point of view.

You can’t move on in 18 months, come on now. Please don’t marry this man yet OP, you don’t know him well enough

You instinctively know that this is too soon and just not right. Listen to your inner voice and slow this right down. There is no need to get married so soon. See how you feel a year from now and reevaluate.

You are allowed to say 'not yet' to the marriage. Just because he wants to it doesn't mean you should.

Take some more time? You will always have his late wife in your relationship though to an extent.

Who coined that one? Rio fucking Ferdinand?

I think you are spot on here. He wants to fill in a 'wife shaped hole' and you fit the hole. I would not marry this man.

This situation all sounds rather odd - I'm not saying he or the relationship is dodgy necessarily, but it sounds like he is still emotionally all over the place; grieving late wife, proposing to you. It doesn't sound like he is in a stable place right now. I think you need to tell him it feels like you both need to slow down, things don't feel comfortable and as a couple you need more time before committing to marriage.

A lot of men jump quickly back into marrying again after being widowed, especially after a long marriage. They can’t cope with being alone. It’s not always the end of the world as long as you are going into this relationship and marriage with your eyes open. He’s always going to have love for his first wife. It doesn’t mean he can’t love you, but I would take time to make sure he does love you, he’s not just desperately wanting the comforts of marriage again.

Personally I would take a small step back - enjoy the relationship for what it is, there is no need to get engaged and married so quickly. He can keep the ring in a drawer with the understanding it’s a “not yet” not a “no”. Give it another year. Have some nice holidays. Get to know each others families a bit more, become accepted as his life partner.

This was actually what he said when I asked, it was for her family.

I agree with the other posts here. This man started to out with you 6 months after his last wife died and 12 months later wants to get engaged. You know he has a record of rushing into relationships after his previous relationships ended. You been shown a clip of him crying at his wife's grave.

He wants a public engagement. What age is he? This is like a some in there late teens to mid 20s or someone who's has an internet presence.
His family are happy about you getting married.

He rushed into this relationship and did not deal with his wife's death. He has been angry with you when you said you don't want a public engagement. My feeling is that he does not been like being on his own, misses sex and wants a woman to be there to do the washing, cooking and cleaning ect.
His family are happy about this. My feeling is that they are happy over this because they no longer have to deal with him being upset or his expectation that they will continue to help him or do things in his house.

You and him have not lived together yet and you don't really know what he is like. On top of this you have 2 adult disabled children living with you and you know that they are not happy over you been engaged.
I don't know the level of care they need but I don't think they want there lives up on the internet as part of his public engagement. They nay not want him posting about them either.

I think you need to tell him that neither of you are ready to get engaged yet. Keep going out with him if you want. Move in together and live with him. See what he is like then with you and your kid's.
He needs to realise it not just about him and what he wants.
If he can't accept this it over between you.

You and your adult kids deserve better than a man rushing into a relationship because he won't deal with his wife's death and can't cope with being on his own for a while after his wife's death.

This timeline is insane. His wife died, you guys got together six months later, have dated for a year and are now engaged?! What on earth?!

Thank you all for the great advice. To answer a few points, we will not live together full time. That was not the plan because of my caring responsibilities.

I think I have always been respectful of her memory and accept her loved her very much and I could not nor would I want to 'replace' that.

I think some of you are spot on that what I am is a woman shaped hole that needs to be filled.

I get it now, seems fair enough.

Still how are you going to proceed with this relationship? I haven't changed my view that it is all happening too quickly and you have to consider your two children at home with you, whether they want to share a home with him.

You need to step back for a couple of year and see how things go. It’s far too soon if he’s a widower. I know a recent widower and he’s rushed straight into a new relationship , same time frame. And he’s now removing things from his home, he’s in too much of a rush to please new partner as doesn’t want to be alone and not grieve and put himself first.

Yes, very performative/attention seeking and a huge 🚩

I'd want my husband to move on if I died but if he had a ring on another woman's finger when I'd been gone 18 months I'd haunt the shit out of both of them.