AIBU to feel upset after engagement plans and seeing his grief?

[ihatesonic]

Not sure if this is the end of my relationship.

I have had a difficult life with physical, sexual and financial abuse so my radar is not always right.

My two adult children live with me which is relevant as I can't live with my partner all the time and he had always been accepting of. They are both disabled.

His kids and grandkids love me and he says I have brought them together in the last six months.

This weekend we bought an engagement ring. Wedding is planned for next year. He wants to get my and his (adult) kids together in the next few weeks to propose. Sent a pic of said ring to my kida and they were less enthusiastic than expected. They like him and were originally happy for us.

I come home and one shows me his social media of last week at his deceased wifes (not his kids mum) grave. He was clearly still grieving in the video. He was widowed 18 months ago and we started a relationship about 12 months ago.

Constantly asks me if I am sure but gets annoyed if I ask him the same.

I was so excited as I never really wanted to get married again and came home so full of plans but feel like a fool now.

So AIBU to be upset. He thinks so

I think your instincts are correct. He needs some time alone to grieve.

Give it and year or too, he may be grieving but still capable of moving on. She’s not coming back.
I would put off the wedding for a couple of years.
It’s all very fast.

For example

Dr Camille Wortman’s Grief Research
Dr Camille Wortman, a leading expert on grief and professor of psychology at Stony Brook University, synthesized decades of bereavement data. 1]

• The Timeline: Her research highlight showed a stark contrast in the first year of loss. In the very first 12 months, 54% of widowers engaged in a new romantic or sexual relationship, while only 7% of widows did. 1]
• The Happiness Catalyst: Wortman’s work emphasizes that men who had excellent, loving marriages are the most prone to this swift timeline. Their quick re-partnering is a direct compliment to their past marriage—they simply cannot tolerate the absence of the domestic partnership they loved so much.

Why would you post a video of you visiting a grave on fb?

This. 5+ years on? Ok be happy. 6 months?? Haunting you forever.

• The Happiness Catalyst: Wortman’s work emphasizes that men who had excellent, loving marriages are the most prone to this swift timeline. Their quick re-partnering is a direct compliment to their past marriage—they simply cannot tolerate the absence of the domestic partnership they loved so much.

I actually do understand this. I can see why this would happen. I have to say though, if I had died and my DH had moved onto somebody new as fast as that I would be devastated, even if it was a compliment to our relationship in a way. I actually would have hated the thought of him being with somebody new BUT would have understood, and not expected him to stay alone for the rest of his life, regardless of how I felt about it, because the rational part of me would realise it isn't fair to inflict such loneliness on the person you love if they may still have another 40 or 50 years ahead of them. I do think it depends how old you are when this happens though. Might feel different if you are 86 rather than 46.

It is all very messy. And very very sad.

I think the opposite is true. The happier the marriage the deeper and longer the grief.

The truth is he will never stop grieving for his wife. That doesn’t mean he can’t fall in love with someone else. It’s unreasonable to expect him not to grieve at her grave op. You don’t seem to have any empathy for what they have all been through.

Slow down. Assess his impact on your own children and life. What does he bring? How does he fit in? Where are the issues? And assess as a third person looking in.

I don't think the issue is the man falling in love or not, it's him consistently jumping into new relationships after his previous ones ended, rushing into engagement after only a year of dates, and OPs assets being at risk if she marries.

How did the researcher determine that the marriage was excellent and loving? Especially given that only one half of the marriage was available to contribute to the research?

I find it a bit strange he's putting it on social media and your kids are then showing it to you, but fair enough, they say there's no wrong way to grieve, and as an elder Millennial, grown before social media was all pervasive, maybe it's me that's wrong.
Wouldn't let anything online stop your plans if he's a good person and you're happy with everything IRL.

Yes but the research seems to say otherwise

From what I've seen, quite a few widowers move on very quickly. I think a lot of those just want a replacement wife to fill the role their late wife did, and much of that is domestic work and sex and companionship.

I got hit on at a support group I went to after my husband died. So that is how fast some look for a replacement. It was really uncomfortable to see.

How would marriage affect you and your children? You have to look at the financials. Marriage gives him a financial interest in your home, if you own one. Does he own his own home? Working? How will you be sharing or splitting income?

Your kids don't sound pleased and that would be a deal breaker. You say your kids are disabled and will live with you the rest of their lives. As you haven't lived with this guy, you don't know how he would blend into your household.

How will marriage affect what you have set up for your kids after your death?

I think putting footage of grieving at his late wife's grave online is performative when he's planning another marriage. So is getting all the kids together to propose in front of them. So he's got a performative side about important things and that would bug me, but I think that's minor compared to the big issues facing you. He can grieve his past and plan his future at the same time, it's the making it public that would bother me.

I've been a bit of a blind fool really, I can see that now

I don't think you've been a blind fool yet. You've caught on just in time.

Stay in a relationship, keep dating. Don't get engaged right now or move in together. Definitely don't get married. Then you would be a fool.

Chiming in here to say that some men cannot be alone (whether that be genuine loneliness or not being arsed to 100% run a home). You're not a fool though - he is bulldozing you because he wants to legitimise the relationship by going "See! It's not a fling or a rebound! We got married!"

I come across loads of different people all of the time. Since when do we put people into a square slot for who they are / who they should be? If there's one thing I've learned, it's that we do NOT judge anyone else by generalisations and what we think they feel.

It could be that he's the type of man who continues to grieve a now-departed loved one and has the capacity to love someone else, in a very different way, in parallel. A friend (older than my father's age) had a long, happy marriage with the love of his life. He was in a relationship within 3 months of her passing. The new love would never replace what he had with his now-departed wife (who was also a friend), but he's happy and committed and in love....

Is it something I can understand? No...I suspect...but I don't know...I'd rather be on my own for the rest of my life if I'm in the same circumstance. But he is not me.

Have an open conversation with HIM so you have all the answers you need.

He won't have an open conversation about it. She's already said this.

Yup, this seems weird to me too.

Crying at his late wife's grave on social media, while pressurising you to marry asap is awful. It's like he wants a medal for grieving but in reality he has already moved on. Or isn't ready to move on at all. Did he not consider how you might feel? It would all really put me off him.
Do her family know he's wanting to get remarried, I bet they don't! Will he be livestreaming the proposal?

Agree; in a sense he sounds like he's thinking of himself and getting into a happy space that suits him - I.e marriage and stability with a person he loves.

What are your respective housing and financial circumstances, @ihatesonic ?

If you marry this man he will become your next of kin and would inherit everything you own, so you really need to be extremely careful. Your existing will would become invalid the minute you sign the marriage register.

Remarrying later in life (when both parties are established and may have differing circumstances) can get very complex and requires professional advice on the drafting of wills and inheritance planning.

Always remember that wills and designated beneficiaries of pensions and life policies can be changed at any time. Therefore you must not rely on him ‘doing the right thing’ by your children if you were to predecease him.

Thats before you consider that this is all happening very soon and is mostly driven by him. You really want to be sure of his motives. Personally I can’t see the point of marrying in your situation, at least not for quite a long while.

Spot on, absolutely spot on. Alarm bells - performance grieving.

But that's exactly my point -- that's not a source. It's an article on an Australian website which is mostly about Steve Irwin's widow, and which quotes Camille Wortman, who 'has found' (not conducted) studies suggesting men move on faster than women. But no one's disputing that. Numerous studies show it.

What seems to be tossed about as though it's some kind of established fact is this often-quoted idea that men who were happy in their marriages are more quick to remarry after being widowed. No one has ever provided a credible source for this.

I'll be honest, it sounds like the same kind of face-saving nonsense as 'Oh, they're just jealous' as a reason for someone not liking you. It sounds like a way of trying to make widowers who couple up again before their wife's body is cold sound as if they are really only doing it as a tribute to their first wife, rather than just desperate to fill a wife-shaped hole.

18 months after a bereavement is too soon. He'll definitely still be grieving. Some men (and women) are like that though. Don't want to be alone so find a partner very quickly. I'd be wary of getting married so early on in this relationship if I were you. There's no rush. Give it a couple more years and see how you feel then.

Definitely slow things down it doesn’t mean you need to get married yet but he will always be grieving his wife.

depending on how she died it could be too soon or it could’ve been a process that has already started.
widowed men move on pretty quickly a lot of the time. It’s very much a norm, I don’t think this means it will be a disaster nor do I think it means you have to end the relationship.

you can just slow it down, ho off the proposal for 6 months. And then spend a long time wedding planning.

only you know what he is like or if there are a bunch of other red flags you are missing. I know people harp on about therapy etc. but I would book a couple of sessions with a relationship therapist to talk it out and pinpoint what you are worried about with a neutral party.

it’s ok to enjoy this person and take your time
to figure it out. I wouldn’t jump into making massive decisions based on one video. Just slow everything down. How he reacts to that will also give you insight.