AIBU to feel upset after engagement plans and seeing his grief?

[ihatesonic]

Not sure if this is the end of my relationship.

I have had a difficult life with physical, sexual and financial abuse so my radar is not always right.

My two adult children live with me which is relevant as I can't live with my partner all the time and he had always been accepting of. They are both disabled.

His kids and grandkids love me and he says I have brought them together in the last six months.

This weekend we bought an engagement ring. Wedding is planned for next year. He wants to get my and his (adult) kids together in the next few weeks to propose. Sent a pic of said ring to my kida and they were less enthusiastic than expected. They like him and were originally happy for us.

I come home and one shows me his social media of last week at his deceased wifes (not his kids mum) grave. He was clearly still grieving in the video. He was widowed 18 months ago and we started a relationship about 12 months ago.

Constantly asks me if I am sure but gets annoyed if I ask him the same.

I was so excited as I never really wanted to get married again and came home so full of plans but feel like a fool now.

So AIBU to be upset. He thinks so

Is that true? I don’t think if anything happened to my marriage. I don’t want to ever live with anyone again! Maybe I need to have a hard look at my marriage!

@ihatesonic I wouldn’t want to marry a man who thinks others would want to watch a video of him grieving at his late wife’s grave. Does he always crave attention, even the ‘oh poor you’… stuff?

A wedding could just be his next move for seeking more attention.

And I’ve seen it happen. Several times.

You haven't lived with him and don't intend to live with him - am I understanding that?

Well why get engaged and married then?

Why not just be in a relationship?

I think some people can't cope with being alone.

Why is he taking videos of himself visiting his deceased wife’s grave , upset in them, & posting them on line ??.
I don’t get that at all being honest .

My Dad was widowed almost 2 years ago. He is still bereft by grief. I can't imagine him looking at another woman for a long time. He's no Prince among men but that seems normal and expected to me. If I lost my DH I would be broken for a long time. I find it pretty grim the way some people/men move on so fast. It feels predatory.

If this was happening to me I would call a halt and tell the man I would set a 5 year limit before an engagement. This would give time to find out about each other.

I don't think either of you should be rushing into anything

Just carry on seeing each other

Yes, quite. Why get linked financially and risk the security of your children for a man you are not even going to fully share your life with. Who would benefit from that?

No. I loved my late husband to bits and chose not to quickly move on with another man as that wouldn't have been the best thing for my 11 and 13 year old dds. It definitely doesn't indicate you had a crap marriage if you don't instantly get with another man. It just means you think about your kids' needs, not just your own wants. No regrets.

Some people can't cope with being alone.
My mum's like that. She was sleeping with other men even within the marriage so I'm certain she would have moved a new man in quickly if she'd been widowed. Doesn't mean she had a good marriage. She was abusive to my dad.

Waaaaaayyyy too soon.

No wonder the kids are underwhelmed.

Even if it were his idea to get married, you don’t have to say yes.

You can take some control and say it’s too much too soon. Nothing wrong with that.

It’s very common for men especially to move on very quickly after divorce or being widowed. They can’t face being alone.

I would gently say to him it’s all moving too fast and just enjoy dating.

Why get married again anyway? What for?

If you aren't planning on living together, there is really no reason to tie yourself to him financially.

Put the brakes on now before it gets too out of hand.

@ihatesonic why tie yourself to him financially and potentially put your adult children who are disabled at risk? Why??

He doesn’t want to be single. He can’t be without a partner. This relationship is rushed, slow down. Discuss engagement again in another year or two. Will your adult children be independent or are you their carers indefinitely? Is their Dad involved as it’s a lot on you.

Also, I really hate to be 'that' person, but how did his previous wife die? Obviously you don't have to answer that but if there was any ambiguity around the circumstances of her death then that should be something to think about.

The performative 'grieving' at her grave for social media, while simultaneously rushing a new woman into marriage is giving 'ulterior motive' vibes.

there's no reason for you to get married at all, let alone this quickly.

This stood out to me too. What a bizarre thing to film.

This was my first thought to. Why on earth was this posted at all?
I wouldn't rushing into anything personally, is there really any need to?

You feel like you’re being used because you are being used OP. Within 18 months of his latest wife dying he has met you, introduced families and proposed? And you’re not even going to live together? Why would you do that to yourself? And through a marriage he will have more rights than your children will should anything happen to you. You will be putting yourself and your children in a very precarious position.

A man will always replace a wife. If not you, it will be some other woman. Of course he’s move on quickly after each relationship, he doesn’t want to have to manage his own life and do his own cooking and cleaning.

You got into a relationship with a man whose wife died 6 months before??

He is still grieving and will likely struggle for many years to come.

I wouldn’t end things but I would slow things down.
You say you’re not planning to get married until next year anyway so it’s not like either of you are massively rushing into anything.

How is it going to work in reality?
Are you planning on getting married but not living together?

What are your DCs views?
They obviously felt uncomfortable about seeing him at the grave (which is completely normal) and felt it was something you should be aware of.

If it was me, I would tell him that you do not want to get engaged until you’ve been living together for at least 6 months.

Two things. Firstly it doesn't sound like you have been together that long. I think it's entirely appropriate to put the breaks on. This is the rest of your life after all. Why rush? His kids in particular will need to.e to adjust. Secondly of course he is grieving and this isn't going to change. I lost someone the best part of 30 years ago and still have days when it floors me and I can't function. That shouldn't be a reason not to marry him but go into this with your eyes open. He isn't going to suddenly not grieve for her in a year or two. You need to be on with this.

Marriage is a legal financial contract, with huge implications for things like tax, inheritance, and property ownership. It is not just a thing you do because you are "in love".

You need to tell him that you are happy to be engaged, but you want to delay the wedding until you are ready to live together, which means when all the DC (his and yours) are adult and settled in their own homes. Then you will be happy to pool your assets with him.

What is the plan for your DC? Will they ever live independently, or will you be looking for residential care for them?
How old is his youngest DC? How many years until they leave home?

Kick the wedding into the long grass.

He will either dump you, because what he really is looking for is a live-in maid and 'support human', or he will respect you enough to wait.

Having been widowed, I can say it’s perfectly possible to still be grieving and move on at the same time. I think making plans to move forward with you is a lovely positive thing. He’s not rushing it and it creates a future. Enjoy it and try not to overthink. My partner died 20 years ago and I’m happily settled now, but I’m still allowed the odd sad moment to remember him.

he and mother of children split when the children were young, he had another relationship in between and then met last wife. He has (in hindsight) moved very quickly from relationship to relationship.

I've been a bit of a blind fool really, I can see that now