AIBU to feel upset after engagement plans and seeing his grief?

[ihatesonic]

Not sure if this is the end of my relationship.

I have had a difficult life with physical, sexual and financial abuse so my radar is not always right.

My two adult children live with me which is relevant as I can't live with my partner all the time and he had always been accepting of. They are both disabled.

His kids and grandkids love me and he says I have brought them together in the last six months.

This weekend we bought an engagement ring. Wedding is planned for next year. He wants to get my and his (adult) kids together in the next few weeks to propose. Sent a pic of said ring to my kida and they were less enthusiastic than expected. They like him and were originally happy for us.

I come home and one shows me his social media of last week at his deceased wifes (not his kids mum) grave. He was clearly still grieving in the video. He was widowed 18 months ago and we started a relationship about 12 months ago.

Constantly asks me if I am sure but gets annoyed if I ask him the same.

I was so excited as I never really wanted to get married again and came home so full of plans but feel like a fool now.

So AIBU to be upset. He thinks so

I would hate this lack of discretion . Why does he need to involve all the children in his proposal and why on earth is he publicly grieving on social media? This is his private life, and yours. Doesn't it bother you?

It’s one of those ‘They say’ things that gets passed around on here as if it’s gospel. I suspect it’s to make people feel better that Steve was visibly scoping out the female mourners at Angela’s funeral.

OP, if you haven’t NC, you’re the second poster on here at the moment with a relationship of approximately the same length with a widower who is perturbed by his social media posts.

He seemed to hsve always moved on quickly from previous relationships (his exes)

How's that working out for him?

Honestly my primary age DC have clothes older than your relationship. His wife died recently, you don't live together, he is obviously still grieving, you've got DC you still support (I think from your OP). What a mess.

I'd be thinking about what you really want and if this is the right man and the right time.

I have to say I agree. I dudn't see it as I don't use social media like that

The bereavement process, after losing a loved spouse, is an awful thing. It takes ages to learn to live with it. This relationship was rushed into. I’d slow down.

His wife was not the mother of hus chuldren and not particularly close to her. I get on well with them and they have started coming for lunch and all socialising together

He posts of a video of himself ‘grieving’ at his wife’s grave.

He wants to get all the adult children together so he can propose?

He’s moved on quickly from other relationships.

His wife died only 18 months ago.

It all sounds performative and insincere. I’d be very cautious.

I think that is what struck me when I found out.

He is a wonderful man and for the first time in many years, I felt loved, appreciated and happy to be with someone.

Now I just feel used in a way.

He sounds extremely shallow and self-centered. Posting gieving videos of himself on social media and involving all your kids so he can propose a second time in front of people are both very performative and attention seeking things to do. He needs to grow the fuck up before he embarks on yet another marriage, and I don't think he values you as a person. He just needs somebody, could be anybody.

Does he really love you or are you a woman shaped receptacle for the affection and love he used to give to his wife?

@ihatesonic get rid of him. Who on earth puts a video on social media of themselves at a grave?!?!? He’s a nut job and apart from that yes it is far too soon you don’t know anyone that well in 12 months

Waaaay too soon, especially after a bereavement. What's the rush anyway? You haven't lived together yet. I wouldn't entertain the idea of marriage before spending time living with someone and seeing their day-to-day interaction with my kids. Is he one of these men who needs a woman at home to look after him? Put the brakes on a bit and see how he reacts to the news.

Sorry op I agree with everyone else. He posted the video himself? Very odd. He should be thinking of your feelings.

He is the type to be straight on to the next woman if you split up. He’ll be engaged and marrying her within months so I wouldn’t worry too much about breaking it off.

You have a difficult relationship history and still carry some caring responsibilities for your adult DC.
He has at least one ex plus a relatively recent bereavement.
Carry on dating him if he makes you happy.
But in your shoes I wouldn't be leaping into a marriage proposal (in front of your DC's? Why? Another video?).
I wouldn't have been sharing a graveside video either, but I think if you are in a relationship with a widow then you have to accept grief and memories as part of it.
He hasn't "got over" her as neither of them chose to end the relationship and 18 months is relatively recent.

IMO it would be a huge mistake to marry unless you want to invite more misery into your life.
And thats without the grieving graveside video.....

Your kids are right to be alarmed.

Fine to date if you want, but do not hitch your cart to this horse via marriage.

He's looking for domestic help and servicing plus a shag.

You got together way too soon after he lost his wife and you’re engaged way too soon too. Your kids can see that. Slow it down, it doesn’t have to be over but what is the rush?

Of course he’s still grieving it hasn’t even been two years and he was only alone 6m!

Your post resonates with me. Likewise the responses.

Based on my life experience, tread very carefully with this.

Do not rush into marriage. I would guess this chap doesn’t like being alone, is performative and you’ll regret marrying him … sooner or later.

What’s the rush?

Why rush into marriage? If he's a good one he will wait.

Normally people rush into marriage so they can have children or for a deathbed financial protection. Do you own your own house and he doesn't?

As for the graveside video or even getting the family together so he can propose is ICK inducing. Who does that? I fel he is love bombing you and once married he will drop his mask.

He posted a video of himself crying at his deceased wife's grave recently? Why would he post that? Why was he even filming that?

Or is it from when it happened but posted recently?
Do you not follow him on any socials?

It all seems a bit messy still.

All I can think of is maybe it was to show her family who live a distance away. Some older people post on there timeline instead of messaging. Could have been a last visit. Only way OP will know is to ask him I suppose.

In my experience it is exceptionally common for people (men and women) who have had a very positive experience of marriage to marry again fairly quickly. It is those who have had a negative experience, through abuse, infidelity or plain old incompatibility that take the ‘not going there again’ attitude.

The only thing you need to watch out for is the children’s response. They may be delighted their grieving dad has found happiness again. Or like my aunt discovered, there could be undisguised hostility. (Aunts eldest step daughter arrived at the house post father’s marriage with an ornate urn containing her mother’s ashes.. and plonked it on the sideboard as a wedding present. 🙈🙈🙈)

I’m surprised no one has asked this yet, but what happened to the mother of his children? Has he been widowed twice, or was he divorced when he married his late wife?

I just wonder if there is a pattern of him moving on very quickly. Maybe the reason his kids didn’t get on with his wife is because they feel their mother was replaced very quickly, whether that was after her death or their divorce - and whether they find you easier to get on with because they didn’t much care for the woman YOU’RE replacing.

I had an uncle like this, although he moved quick after divorces. He said he couldn't handle being alone.
Know quite a few people who moved on really quick after being widowed. Both male and female. One who had been married nearly 50 years was dating after 6 weeks and remarried after a year.

18 months is no time at all for such a close loss. I think when you marry a widow, you accept that someone else is always going to have part of their heart.

I think we notice it with men, especially older men, as they have an advantage of being rarer. Seen it a lot. When a wife dies, the man has a whole group of women chasing him, especially if he has money.
The men tend to be looking for a cook and cleaner if their late wife did all the domestic work too.