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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel upset after engagement plans and seeing his grief?

161 replies

ihatesonic · 20/07/2026 01:29

Not sure if this is the end of my relationship.

I have had a difficult life with physical, sexual and financial abuse so my radar is not always right.

My two adult children live with me which is relevant as I can't live with my partner all the time and he had always been accepting of. They are both disabled.

His kids and grandkids love me and he says I have brought them together in the last six months.

This weekend we bought an engagement ring. Wedding is planned for next year. He wants to get my and his (adult) kids together in the next few weeks to propose. Sent a pic of said ring to my kida and they were less enthusiastic than expected. They like him and were originally happy for us.

I come home and one shows me his social media of last week at his deceased wifes (not his kids mum) grave. He was clearly still grieving in the video. He was widowed 18 months ago and we started a relationship about 12 months ago.

Constantly asks me if I am sure but gets annoyed if I ask him the same.

I was so excited as I never really wanted to get married again and came home so full of plans but feel like a fool now.

So AIBU to be upset. He thinks so

OP posts:
Original poster
ihatesonic · 20/07/2026 14:41

Magicpaintbrush · 20/07/2026 11:22

My DH died just under 4 months ago, aged 46, and I have some insight into what your partner's thought process might be. There are a number of things and it's fairly complex and I think you have to be fully comprehending of this stuff to get where he's at in his head.

Firstly, the fact he is deeply grieving his late wife does not mean he doesn't love you as much. You and his late wife are two different people, but what it probably means is that they had a good relationship and because of that he craves the same again. If they had had a terrible marriage perhaps he wouldn't be so cut up about losing her or so quick to be with someone new. It's natural that he is grieving not just the loss of her, but also the whole 'being in a relationship' way of life, and I think that's why he has moved on so quickly with you. Probably incredibly lonely after losing his wife, missing the companionship, missing having someone to 'do life with', being part of a team, being best friends, probably suffering with 'skin hunger' (it's a thing, I currently have it badly - missing being touched, missing sex, missing physical intimacy, cuddles etc). Having all those things and then suddenly losing that person is incredibly traumatic. He will also be thinking about everything she has lost, and that in itself is a whole other pain that mingles in with the rest.

He is never going to stop grieving his first wife, he loved her and visa versa, and they didn't split up, she died. The end of their life together was not a choice, it was forced upon them. He will always miss her and think about her, so that's something you have got to be okay with because it's natural and would be a disservice to her if he didn't. If you suddenly died he would be the same about you I'm sure - and I'm sure you wouldn't want him to forget you or put all his photos of you in a cupboard because somebody new came on the scene, that would be horrible, and cold. He needs to be able to grieve and that could be life long - HOWEVER, it absolutely and categorically does NOT mean that he loves you less. I have no doubt he loves you very much. Those two things are co-existing inside him. For myself, I do believe I have the capacity to love somebody new one day (although I have very complex feelings about that) but it won't change the fact that I love my late husband and always will forever. It would feel like a massive betrayal to put my love and memories of him aside to suit a new person in my life - what sort of person would that make me? And the same with your partner - surely you don't want to be with somebody who can just forget about someone they loved because they have died? You wouldn't want him to forget about you if the worst was to happen?

What I am getting at is that the fact he is still deep in grief is normal and shows he has depth and integrity. I would judge somebody who moved quickly on but then seemed to bury all thoughts of their previous spouse, that would be really cold and unfeeling.

I do think getting into a new relationship 6 months after the death of a spouse is too soon, but I can see why it would happen. Loneliness and the craving of that companionship and love and intimacy - it is really fucking awful to lose that, it's so so awful, beyond describing. So I think you need to give your partner the space and time to grieve and don't take it personally. You have to understand he will always carry that grief - but it absolutely does not mean he doesn't love you just as much. I think getting into a new relationship that quickly probably does complicate the grieving process because I don't think he's given himself enough time to process his grief before you came along, but I guess that is something you both now need to muddle through. I do think that getting involved with somebody who is widowed is quite a brave thing to do, and you have to understand what you are getting yourself into, because there are emotional complexities involved that there wouldn't normally be in a straight forward relationship. I actually think to myself, who would ever want me now, a woman who is still in love with her dead husband? There are photos of him everywhere, his stuff is all over the house. But I still have capacity for love, loads of it. I don't think people who have been widowed should be consigned to a life of loneliness forever because they once had a spouse that they loved. It just takes the right person with understanding to help them move forward in life.

Thank you for this. There are still lots of things in his house which were hers, I have no problem with that. From everything I know she was a kind, generous woman and I know she had told one of his children that he would not do well alone and to accept who came next.

I understand the private grief and he 'talks' to her on walks, again I think that is normal and says something about his character. I am not threatened by that, it's the video that bothers me really.

And my condolences to you. xx

OP posts:
Original poster
ihatesonic · 20/07/2026 14:44

For those concerned about assets, we have already discussed that. He isn't moving in here and the plan was for me to stay with him part time. My house and all my assets will go to my children and he is aware of that.

OP posts:
RoseField1 · 20/07/2026 14:47

ihatesonic · 20/07/2026 14:44

For those concerned about assets, we have already discussed that. He isn't moving in here and the plan was for me to stay with him part time. My house and all my assets will go to my children and he is aware of that.

Why marry him at all if you have assets and children? It seems really foolish and pointless.

GarlicEverywhere · 20/07/2026 14:49

ihatesonic · 20/07/2026 14:44

For those concerned about assets, we have already discussed that. He isn't moving in here and the plan was for me to stay with him part time. My house and all my assets will go to my children and he is aware of that.

Marriage automatically revokes a Will.

There are exceptions. I think you can avoid this by having your existing will state explicitly that no future marriage will alter its terms. However, you also need to think about any pension provisions and other investments you may have.

Consult your solicitor.

IHTM12074 - Succession: Wills: Revocation of a Will: By marriage or civil partnership - HMRC internal manual - GOV.UK

https://www.gov.uk/hmrc-internal-manuals/inheritance-tax-manual/ihtm12074

Enrichetta · 20/07/2026 15:24

RoseField1 · 20/07/2026 14:47

Why marry him at all if you have assets and children? It seems really foolish and pointless.

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I agree. I would really, really want to know his motives. Love is never enough - there have to be other reasons to enter what is essentially a legally binding contract to share everything.

(Grammar edit)

Bananalanacake · 20/07/2026 16:06

If you get married won't he be entitled to half your house. Just tell him you want a relationship without living together for at least 10 years. His reaction will tell you everything.

SummerPeonies2026 · 20/07/2026 16:18

Does he own his house, have significant wealth himself and financially solvent. Pension etc. Pp are right to raise concerns about your house and assets. He could contest a will - even if you ensured every penny went to your children.

LHP118 · 20/07/2026 21:07

ConverselyAttired · 20/07/2026 12:53

He won't have an open conversation about it. She's already said this.

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I read it as 'Constantly asks me if I am sure but gets annoyed if I ask him the same.'...

Well, that's where she has the opportunity to broaden the discussion as to how she feels about everything including the need to have more clarity from him. Or else she has to walk away...

Didn't read it as cannot have an open discussion. But as her needing to frame it from her view using I feel rather than putting a 'you' in to those sentences.

But that's my personal view of course...

Original poster
ihatesonic · 20/07/2026 22:04

Thank you all for your views. It has certainly given me something to think on.

I am not sure what I will do but certainly looks like marriage is off the cards.

OP posts:
ConverselyAttired · 20/07/2026 22:08

LHP118 · 20/07/2026 21:07

I read it as 'Constantly asks me if I am sure but gets annoyed if I ask him the same.'...

Well, that's where she has the opportunity to broaden the discussion as to how she feels about everything including the need to have more clarity from him. Or else she has to walk away...

Didn't read it as cannot have an open discussion. But as her needing to frame it from her view using I feel rather than putting a 'you' in to those sentences.

But that's my personal view of course...

Show quote history

If she cannot ask "Are you sure you want to get married/are you sure you are over your wife/are you sure this isn't moving too fast?" without him getting annoyed with her then that shuts down a discussion.

Greyhound98 · 21/07/2026 10:28

His wife was barely cold before he was looking for a suitable replacement. I would be very concerned that I was just ‘available’ rather than the love of his life because he wants a wife and any wife is better than no wife.

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