Questing my marriage over my husband cheating on me at his stag do

[Flossiecrab]

Hi everyone,I’d like to first preface this by saying I am not here to argue or go back and fourth I’m just merely here to rant as I am very confused at the minute, my sister has been very supportive and I’ll work out how to navigate this in due course. I am in absolute shock and just need some perspective, because my head is completely spinning.

DH and I just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. We have been together over 20 years, we met on the first day of university and have pretty much been together ever since. We have 3 wonderful children together (DC2 is 10, DC3 is 8 and DC4 is 5) By all accounts, we have a very happy, solid marriage. I love him dearly, and I have never once doubted his love for me. Until last night.

We were looking through old photo albums and looking at photos on our his old camera from around our wedding time to celebrate the anniversary. A photo came up from his stag do of a woman I didn’t recognise. When I asked who she was, DH completely froze and started acting weird he wasn’t expecting that photo.

After pressing, he admitted that his friends had hired an ‘high end escort’ for the stag do. Apparently, his mates all chipped in around £20k altogether as a "laugh" for him. I pushed further, and he finally confessed that he did sleep with her.

His justification? It was 15 years ago, it was a "one and done" thing, and he claims he doesn't even properly remember it because he was off his face on coke. He says he only knows it happened because his friends told him the next day, and that it "meant absolutely nothing."

I honestly don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I'm numb, confused, and sick to my stomach. On one hand, it was 15 years ago, we have a beautiful life and kids, and he has been a wonderful husband. On the other hand, he cheated on me right before we said our vows, used illegal drugs, and kept this massive secret instead of just telling me back then. He said he wanted to but we were always busy with something or just generally happy and he didn’t want to ruin our moments.

I accidentally posted it on a different thread will try to get that deleted.

I’ve had advice to just get over it. Which is fair enough I think I’m just shocked

Honestly, if he could do this once and lie so convincingly that you never knew for a decade and a half, I would be seriously worried what else he is hiding….

It is absolutely not the norm for men who are on their stag do to spend £20k(!!) on an escort so they can all cheat on their partners 🤢

This is a relationship changing revelation and would make me rethink if I ever knew my husband at all

Sorry this is happening to you. I don’t think I could forgive this. Has anything else happened in your marriage that makes you doubt him?

And £20k?? I’m sure any of the other wives/girlfriends would be annoyed with that!

Who told you that, him??

I couldn’t just get over it. This isn’t what you signed up for.

Has he cheated or done coke since?

That and the coke, it’s a no from me. Doesn’t matter how much time has passed i could never trust him again and would be questioning the whole relationship. I couldn’t let it go

Op won't ever know for sure.

Where did I say that’s that’s his advice ? Sorry I’m confused. I just meant I’ve had various advice from others (not him)

Do escorts cost £20k?! Or is he telling more lies to convince you that he just absolutely had no choice.

I’d get over something that happened 15 years ago, but I feel the type of men who keep company like this & who under pressure sleep with an escort, will have done it again at least once in the last 15 years!

Presumably a typo and they each chucked in £20. Grim either way.

I'm sorry but £20k? 15 years ago too, so more in today's money. Someone please explain that amount to me?

So it’s a no from me on “getting over it”.

ah the old "its a womans job to hold a family together" trope

h

He’d be gone as soon I found out he’d cheated. I couldn’t let him near me again after that. He had a choice, he made the wrong one by sleeping with someone else, I hope the £20k his friends paid for the high end escort was worth his marriage.

£20k?

I’m not sure on the price of escorts but he says that’s what they spent.

One of friends got married recently and they all chipped in around £5k each so I can believe that his friends would spend that much. They’re all friends from boarding school it’s a group of 12 of them who’ve been friends since they were roughly 8 years old at boarding school.

I know it'a not the point but £20k, even now let alone 15 years ago, sounds bizarre.

He'd be gone if it was me.
He slept with prostitute and he's lied for 15 years.
I wouldn't be able to trust a word he ever said.

So a bunch of boys with more money than sense. Do they all go away together regularly OP? Sounds like women and drugs are the norm for this bunch.

I hate cheats.
I hate cokeheads.
I hate men that buy women's bodies.
I guess it's a no from me.

Yeah I am not very happy with the new information so just have to see how it goes

Get rid. What a prick.

He said he wanted to but we were always busy with something or just generally happy and he didn’t want to ruin our moments.
@Flossiecrab

He cheated on you and thought he'd got away with it so of course he'll say that now.
Is he saying he had no opportunity to tell you in 15 years?

I'd be constantly wondering what else he has done and not been caughr yet, and doubt I'd trust him in the future.

Thing is, op will never, ever know the answer to that question. Although Id say a man who fucks another woman on his own stag do is capable of pretty much anything so its likely he has.

Op you'll never trust him again, and if this is a recent discovery dont be surprised when memories of him going to xyz place and not getting home til the early hours, or that business trip where you couldnt get hold of him etc start coming back to you making you question everything.

I am sorry. Hes absolute scum of the earth.

I'd feel like our lives for the last 13 years had been one massive lie. So no I wouldn't just get over it.

Oh wow, this would floor me as well.

I think I’d want to know what else he has kept from me, when else he had done coke etc.

I think there is definitely a processing and adjustment phrase here and I would go right off sec with him for quite a while I think. But you are right that you have a great life now in the present day, and over 15 years of happiness to continue to build on.

I think much would depend on his reactions - if he started getting angry and defensive and couldn’t understand why I was so upset that would be a problem (although he you may see some element of this because men can be childish.)

I’d also be very curious to know what he’d think/feel in the reverse situation, ie you had taken coke and slept with an escort on your hen do. I would encourage him to consider that carefully if he gets antsy.