Questing my marriage over my husband cheating on me at his stag do

[Flossiecrab]

Hi everyone,I’d like to first preface this by saying I am not here to argue or go back and fourth I’m just merely here to rant as I am very confused at the minute, my sister has been very supportive and I’ll work out how to navigate this in due course. I am in absolute shock and just need some perspective, because my head is completely spinning.

DH and I just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. We have been together over 20 years, we met on the first day of university and have pretty much been together ever since. We have 3 wonderful children together (DC2 is 10, DC3 is 8 and DC4 is 5) By all accounts, we have a very happy, solid marriage. I love him dearly, and I have never once doubted his love for me. Until last night.

We were looking through old photo albums and looking at photos on our his old camera from around our wedding time to celebrate the anniversary. A photo came up from his stag do of a woman I didn’t recognise. When I asked who she was, DH completely froze and started acting weird he wasn’t expecting that photo.

After pressing, he admitted that his friends had hired an ‘high end escort’ for the stag do. Apparently, his mates all chipped in around £20k altogether as a "laugh" for him. I pushed further, and he finally confessed that he did sleep with her.

His justification? It was 15 years ago, it was a "one and done" thing, and he claims he doesn't even properly remember it because he was off his face on coke. He says he only knows it happened because his friends told him the next day, and that it "meant absolutely nothing."

I honestly don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I'm numb, confused, and sick to my stomach. On one hand, it was 15 years ago, we have a beautiful life and kids, and he has been a wonderful husband. On the other hand, he cheated on me right before we said our vows, used illegal drugs, and kept this massive secret instead of just telling me back then. He said he wanted to but we were always busy with something or just generally happy and he didn’t want to ruin our moments.

I accidentally posted it on a different thread will try to get that deleted.

Was somewhat believable until the 20k.

And furthermore, why would he cave after "some pressing" about just a photo?

Another made up story on a Sunday night.

Right so this is also a recent thing him and his friends do?
It's looking worse for you DH now because it wasn't just a stupid thing he did when young. They're all still at it.

He objectifies women, I couldn't live with someone like that.

Omg I’ve just read that he went to boarding school. I have always found those upper middle class boys so sexist and misogynistic. Now I am not surprised at all.

In my experience those guys are charming but rarely decent and respectful of women when you scratch below the surface. The charm covers up a lot, clearly it has done here.

This one I did go to it wasn’t a stag do they just invited their close friends and partners I helped chip into the gift as I’m friends with his wife

I don't know what the OP should do in her awful situation but i think you are wrong , i think £20k aside !!!! loads of men on their own/friends stag night behave in a similar way with strippers, lap dancers etc.
It's highly unlikely they're going to shout about it .
On the other hand i imagine plenty of women on hen nights aren't far behind.

Sorry I misunderstood and thought it was another escort.

Maybe it was but I was there I could just be oblivious

That’s vile. But clearly acceptable behaviour with this friendship group - if they all chipped in £5k recently I bet it’s still going on. So not only did he do it, he’s complicit in others doing it.

This would make me massively reassess his choices, particularly of his friends. And how did he feel about you really if he could do this just before his wedding? Or is he so weak his mates’ opinion is worth more than yours?

You have a lot to consider here I think. You clearly feel you have a successful family unit. I’d take some time, step away a bit and work out how you want to proceed. If you want to try to go on. I’d ask for some Couples Counselling to explore your feelings and his response ( both emotionally and practically).

But honestly, vile.

20k for a prozzie?

I need to get out there 😩 😫

Honestly, i'd just let it go and make him buy you a new car or a designer handbag

Feel so sorry for you.

I had a similar bombshell in my own marriage: cocaine and infidelity. But i found out within the year. And I left.

His friends sound utterly vile though..so they are all actively encouraging one another to have one last shag with a sex-worker ..what a disgusting tradition!

Only you know whether you can get over this.

I’ve had boyfriends make confessions when the moment arose a couple of times… they obviously had it on their guilty conscience but never found the moment to be brave enough to confess

I wouldn’t be able to trust him ever again

only you can judge if the life on offer ‘with’ him, knowing what you know is better than a life without him in your home and bed.

What’s the rest of the marriage like now? Do you really feel emotionally fulfilled and cared about by him or do you just plod along as pals?

if You stay with him it should be after giving him an extremely hard time to scare him, and changing what he is allowed to do with that friendship group - no all male socializing with them for start.

This has reminded me of the thead where the DH had a stripper sit on his face and I think there were questionable bank transactions. Op was distraught at first but then was promised a slap up meal at a posh restaurant, and was really chuffed in the end 😂

Who is giving you advise to move on? Do you feel ok with them knowing what you’re turning a blind eye to?

😩😄 what a woman

She settled way too easily, once that meal is digested, he's still a twat. Need to go for something long-lasting

I must find this thread

Just have to see how it goes??

Where’s your anger?!

Why did he tell you now?

He could have just said he didn’t know her. Or she was someone’s cousin they saw there. Or a bartender or a random.

Instead, he’s thrown a bomb into your marriage. How odd.

Strangely enough, I’ve heard of this happening to someone else (cheating decades ago) and it’s hard very long lasting impacts on their marriage. Still together but now deeply unhappy.

No one spends 20k on an escort

20k means 20,000 - k is a shorthand for thousand.

Sorry not the point of the thread but I can’t get over the £20k!

Yeah, it’s weird

I chipped in for the 5k with him. I really like him and his wife we’ve all close. While I do not know if I can move on from this, it might take some time, and I’m considering counselling together first to see how it goes.
His friendship group has a very 'laddish' culture likely stemming from his time at an old-school boys' boarding school, Radley College is known for a lot of things. Honestly, I think he’s changed a lot since we first met especially since becoming a father. I might be feeling unsure about a lot of things right now but I have never once doubted his love for his children

I'd go have a one night stand, tell him, and let him decide how he likes it. Or just leave him now, avoid a lifetime of torture.

If he done it once he could do it again, I’d want to go all through his phone and personal things and I’d also be telling him to cut ties with those friends who encouraged that

For me it would be the humiliation of all his mates knowing for the past 15yrs. I'm assuming they've all be a part of your life in some way shape or form?
I'm also guessing they've probably done this before and your husband has been involved in paying for/ encouraging other men from this pathetic friendship groups to do similar over the years if there's 12 of them?
I wonder how many other wives/girlfriends are in the same boat as you?