Questing my marriage over my husband cheating on me at his stag do

[Flossiecrab]

Hi everyone,I’d like to first preface this by saying I am not here to argue or go back and fourth I’m just merely here to rant as I am very confused at the minute, my sister has been very supportive and I’ll work out how to navigate this in due course. I am in absolute shock and just need some perspective, because my head is completely spinning.

DH and I just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. We have been together over 20 years, we met on the first day of university and have pretty much been together ever since. We have 3 wonderful children together (DC2 is 10, DC3 is 8 and DC4 is 5) By all accounts, we have a very happy, solid marriage. I love him dearly, and I have never once doubted his love for me. Until last night.

We were looking through old photo albums and looking at photos on our his old camera from around our wedding time to celebrate the anniversary. A photo came up from his stag do of a woman I didn’t recognise. When I asked who she was, DH completely froze and started acting weird he wasn’t expecting that photo.

After pressing, he admitted that his friends had hired an ‘high end escort’ for the stag do. Apparently, his mates all chipped in around £20k altogether as a "laugh" for him. I pushed further, and he finally confessed that he did sleep with her.

His justification? It was 15 years ago, it was a "one and done" thing, and he claims he doesn't even properly remember it because he was off his face on coke. He says he only knows it happened because his friends told him the next day, and that it "meant absolutely nothing."

I honestly don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I'm numb, confused, and sick to my stomach. On one hand, it was 15 years ago, we have a beautiful life and kids, and he has been a wonderful husband. On the other hand, he cheated on me right before we said our vows, used illegal drugs, and kept this massive secret instead of just telling me back then. He said he wanted to but we were always busy with something or just generally happy and he didn’t want to ruin our moments.

I accidentally posted it on a different thread will try to get that deleted.

So, a public school boy with boarding school friend group that does coke, pay for escorts for each other and have 5k to burn on each other's weddings - you may be surprised by this particular incident, but I am sure there is a whole lifestyle and set of values that goes with this upbringing that you can't have been unaware of. And, yes, devoted dads are typically not liars who treat women like tradeable commodities at stag parties. So, I agree with others that you may need a little distance and objectivity about this life you have with your DH, and how much you've convinced yourself of which isn't actually true or is atleast coming apart under scrutiny.

If the "friends" gathered up 20K it probably paid for more than one high end hooker. It could have paid for drugs and other sundry items. Even towards a few cheap hookers for the rest of them. Just because he says it was for one thing, doesn't mean he isn't lying about it. Telling his wife it was a 20K escort could be him trying to "explain away" why he felt he needed to have sex with her.

Or his friends could have lied and they only spent 2K or 200 pounds on one. 🤑

Finding your H has had sex with at least one prostitute and cheated on his stag do would surely be the end of most marriages.

I don't understand OP's attitude on this thread. She seems more interested in giving the impression of what a rich and elitist social group they mix in rather than wanting any advice or sympathy. And I'm confused about the situation regarding what children they actually have.

Honestly OP if the drugs, the prostitute and the lying, plus his obnoxious friendship group, aren't enough to outrage you enough to end the marriage you'd better just sweep it all under the carpet.

Sorry but nobody chips in £20,000 ‘for a laugh’.

I don't think I could get past this. The cheating, the deception for 13 years, the lying, meeting me at the altar having just been elsewhere and thinking that was acceptable, feeling like a fool because everyone knew but me. And he still has that friendship group around and goes to stag dos with them. Wondering what else he hasn't told me. I don't think I could do it.

I think I’d have to go to joint counselling to see if he’s capable of understanding how betrayed you feel, that you wouldn’t have married him but weren’t given that choice. And to make some rules-to tell him how stags generally work. This must happen every time, and to say if there are any other incidents involving him to tell you now as if they come out later we are done, I will ask you to leave. Also, you do not contribute to buying sex for your friends any more. Ever. Total deal breaker and I do not care one bit if your friends think you’re a kill joy about this. You will be very paranoid about stags from now on, quite reasonably. Discuss this all with your husband in counselling sessions. If he’s not interested in engaging then there’s your answer.

@AnonymityAnonymity Chances are her lifestyle and his money are going to matter to her more than her self-worth unfortunately.

He saw a photo and froze and confessed everything ... ok

And again, the plot thickens...

All seems a bit iffy with the story and timeline.

I really don’t get this snobbery about boarding schools. Yes, some are better than others. It seems very lame to compare them though and think you’re better than, just because you went to Radley or Eton.

That's really disgusting. It would be a dealbreaker for me. Also coke isnt a psychedelic or anything you would definitely remember sleeping with a prostitute

Schools ended on Friday, most of them. Is this an extended English language essay?

You don’t board at Radley at aged 8.

This is a dodgy story.

But if I was going to take the first post at face value, this would be a marriage ender for me. No matter how long ago it was he cheated. £20 or £20k, my morals are worth more then that.

The boarding school attitudes may be ingrained. My concern would be that be for future boys nights out with these buddies and that coke & prostitutes is seen as the norm and he would be joining in as to not join in wouldn't be accepted.

I suspect the snobbery is all (mostly) reverse on MN - the 'better' the boarding school, the worse it is viewed on MN. I don't have an axe to grind on this, but there is extensive literature on 'attachment disorders' for children who are sent to boarding schools at a young age, and inability to form genuinely intimate relationships. The access to wealth (and thus drugs etc) and training for a life of networks and success rather than loving adults and home life, can't possibly lead to healthy personal relationships. To the extent that one is married to one of these men, I would imagine wealth is a significant factor in staying married to them. Not sure what the OP's work/wealth status is, but the fact that her peer group has told her to 'get over it' is telling.

Why on earth would he tell you that!!!

You keep saying ‘we will just have to see how it all goes’. That is your choice to do - you have made up your mind.

But every time you see his friends, you know that they know he slept with a hooker before you married him. Classy. I would find it hard not to ask them if they had also cheated on their wives with an escort before they got married.

These men have no respect for women, I pity you, their wives and any female kids, as well as the future wives. What utterly trashy men.

This is not a boarding school thing, this is a your husband and his friends, i.e. the type of men they are. Just because they can afford a high class hooker, also if it was 15 years ago - let’s be honest, it wasn’t just a quick shag - she stayed all night.

leaving is a process not an event. This information you have entirely changes the entire face of your marriage and your life. You do not need to make any decisions today or take any actions that you might regret. You sound like you have a high disposable income so use that to talk to some relationship therapists or a divorce coach. Possibly on your own, possibly with your H.

if it were me it would be the unknown. That if he has kept this lie all those years what else is being hidden. And my experience of life and mumsnet is that the first revelation is usually the tip of the iceberg.

i hope you find peace OP, whatever decisions you make xx

I find it all quite confusing, so much money 15 years ago.

I would hate anyone 'using' an escort, or cheating etc.

But I would go for counselling and see what happened.

You are being lied to

No escort cost 20k for the night - 2k possibly but 15 / 20 years ago - nope - not unless it was a group booking and she was servicing the whole of the stag

But regardless , there's a big difference from the stags organising a stripper and the groom screwing a prostitute

What you need to think about is, your husband to be, the man who stood and said vows , who entered into a contract - which is legally binding - screwed a prostitute a week or so before you married

You have to think about can you forgive that, write it off as a last fling, put the line under it , or is this forever going to niggle ?

If now he is the husband you wanted, the great father to your children, is a stag night something to focus on? Or is the marriage not so good or how expected or wanted ?

I know Im not coming out with this right, but me and DH love and trust each other - 36 years on. I know hes been to lap dancing clubs on nights out, I trust that hes had a dance or two, he knows Im the life and soul if Im out with the girls - ie I will flirt and dance with anyone

But Im 100% committed to him, as he is with me

I’d be humiliated that all his friends have known all this time, they came to your wedding whilst knowing he shagged someone else and they’ve been around you and your kids since. Everyone knew the secret but you. I bet some of their partners and wives know too.
I do not understand why the hell he would blow up your marriage and cause you this pain now? He obviously didn’t feel guilty enough to tell you before marriage or kids so wtf is he thinking telling you now? He’s made you suffer for what?
Id have to have a one night stand to get even. Don’t care if it makes me petty.

I'd be hurt but so much depends on the last 15 years. You say you've been happy so that's a start but there's still the question you're asking, how do you move forward? Being honest it's a mess - I presume you still see his male friends which, as they know, might be difficult. On the other hand, they're such moral low lives of no account who think it's funny, cool, or whatever, they should be easy to treat with distain. You have 3 children who have happy, settled lives and, although others might disagree, I'd try my utmost to talk this through with your husband, making your feelings clear and what he stands to lose, rather than turning their lives upside down. Hope you win through and will be happy again.

I agree because I don’t think most people would order a prostitute for their friends stay unless that was part of the culture beforehand. So I think this wasn’t a one off at all and I bet he’s done it since. Ultimately OP will never know as she’s shown he can lie effectively for 15yrs. He was able to look in her face on their wedding day despite the horrible cheating jsut before.