Questing my marriage over my husband cheating on me at his stag do

[Flossiecrab]

Hi everyone,I’d like to first preface this by saying I am not here to argue or go back and fourth I’m just merely here to rant as I am very confused at the minute, my sister has been very supportive and I’ll work out how to navigate this in due course. I am in absolute shock and just need some perspective, because my head is completely spinning.

DH and I just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. We have been together over 20 years, we met on the first day of university and have pretty much been together ever since. We have 3 wonderful children together (DC2 is 10, DC3 is 8 and DC4 is 5) By all accounts, we have a very happy, solid marriage. I love him dearly, and I have never once doubted his love for me. Until last night.

We were looking through old photo albums and looking at photos on our his old camera from around our wedding time to celebrate the anniversary. A photo came up from his stag do of a woman I didn’t recognise. When I asked who she was, DH completely froze and started acting weird he wasn’t expecting that photo.

After pressing, he admitted that his friends had hired an ‘high end escort’ for the stag do. Apparently, his mates all chipped in around £20k altogether as a "laugh" for him. I pushed further, and he finally confessed that he did sleep with her.

His justification? It was 15 years ago, it was a "one and done" thing, and he claims he doesn't even properly remember it because he was off his face on coke. He says he only knows it happened because his friends told him the next day, and that it "meant absolutely nothing."

I honestly don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I'm numb, confused, and sick to my stomach. On one hand, it was 15 years ago, we have a beautiful life and kids, and he has been a wonderful husband. On the other hand, he cheated on me right before we said our vows, used illegal drugs, and kept this massive secret instead of just telling me back then. He said he wanted to but we were always busy with something or just generally happy and he didn’t want to ruin our moments.

I accidentally posted it on a different thread will try to get that deleted.

Not everybody is left miserable by divorce. My parent’s separation was one of my happiest childhood memories. I also don’t think OP should feel she needs throw in the towel but I also don’t agree with matyring oneself behind one’s children. I think it’s his behaviour now that matters. But I expect he is “laddish” anyway and OP is fine with that.

Also the comment about having to find somebody to tolerate her kids is gross. I don’t see why the ability to find somebody new should ever be a consideration in whether you decide to remain in or leave your current relationship.

Their father is a whoremongering liar. She would be thinking of their children if she kicks his filthy, creepy, prostitute using arse out the door.

He's a whoremongering liar who stuck his cock into a prostitute and blew 20 grand on doing God only knows what else. He hid it for 15 years and has very definitely done other filthy creepy stuff. You don't just accidentally trip and your penis falls into a prostitute while you stuff coke up your nose.

He's a trashbag.

I agree. This is no discreet one night stand with a willing partner which may be forgivable. It's paying women who don't want to have sex to have sex. Disgusting.

If only life were that black and white. In a perfect world, you are right

Not all public school boys are like this, I’ve known ones who’ve been to Charterhouse, Oundle, St John’s (Leatherhead) and other boys public schools and very few of them would behave like this. In fact most are well aware of how privileged they are.

In any and all worlds, I'm right. And yep, it is indeed black and white. Lots of things are when you stop making excuses for the inexcusable and look at things logically and fairly.

True. Just ask Melania Trump why she stayed with the love of her life, Donald Trump, after her cheated on her with a porn star.

One and done? And that made it ok? Disgusting man. It might have meant nothing to him that he used a woman's body like a piece of meat, but he didn't think about what it might mean to you.

I wouldn't be able to look at him, certainly never hold his hand or lie in bed next to him

@Gettingbysomehow
I've also been there. My divorce was the making of our family. Zero misery, zero regrets.
Financially I lost a lot.
Emotionally I gained my life back.

This is the actual practical truth and yes it's very sad. But divorce with three young children should not be the immediate option unless she has a ton of resources or wealthy and supportive parents etc . It's something most women realistically prepare for over years, gathering resources, community, confidence and career progression. Yea her husband is a dickhead, but she needs to be strategic and clear minded if she's going to get through this.

The problem is that he’s had 15 years to come to terms with his actions and put this behind him. It’s ancient news. For you, it’s brand new information, just as if it happened yesterday. So you will be going through all of the emotions.

I would recommend both seeing a couples therapist, to see if you have the capacity to put this behind you without it eating away at you/making you bitter; and at the same time seeing a lawyer to find out what your options are. Explore all of your options and don’t beat yourself up—none of this was your fault, yet he has filled a rucksack with the heavy bricks of his actions and lies, and has now handed that rucksack to you to carry/be burdened with.

@OneFunGreyFish I left my wealthy husband and had two young children. I had retained my career (despite his many protests of misogynistic 'emasculation') and my life ultimately became far easier as I wasn't having to deal with him and his control.
Sorted a private rental (he refused to leave the marital home) and for the first time in many years had my freedom.
Now remarried. My sons learned how to respect a woman.
Very happy.

I think the problem is, he has known this for your entire marriage and kept it a secret, and has decided to tell you now. Which of course means your brain will be going over that entire course of your time with him wondering what else you didn’t know.

For me, there are separate issues here. There is the cheating itself, which is obviously awful, but he could have chosen to come clean at the time and given you the opportunity to make a choice yourself as to whether you wished to stay.

Then there is the issue of prostitution itself, which means he is a certain type of man who feels a certain type of way about women. A way you may not have known until now.

And then there is the issue of why he chose to say this now. I am not at all trying to excuse what he has done, in terms of the cheating, but it seems to me that he made a decision NOT to tell you, so you have lived a life as if this was not something that happened, oblivious to it. To then suddenly decide to tell you after all this time seems like another inherently selfish move on his part, because there is now, as you say (and as those advising you have indicated) fifteen happy years where you were oblivious.

I think I would want to hear from him what his motive was in telling you now. That would be one of the key factors for me in deciding how to proceed.

I also think that unless you’ve been in a position of your partner revealing something to you that happened a period of time ago, it’s hard to explain exactly how much your brain latches onto all the happy memories you have, and viewing them through the lens of ‘he knew this, he did this, he was living with this thing I didn’t know all this time’. It’s a peculiar brand of breaking trust that goes beyond the actual act of betrayal itself.

I really feel for you OP. I’d be considering trying to talk to a professional so you can sort out how you feel.

Yes they would.

I don’t think she stayed for money. I think she got into the relationship for money! She probably is happy she does not have to have sex with him!

They chipped in 5k for another escort for someone??...or was that someone's wedding gift?
Aside from anytime else I'd be livid that they wasted so much money!! I could do a lot with £20k right now....

Perhaps hes got someone else and wants OP to do the dumping!!

I agree. The classist drivel spouted on this thread is unreal.

Yep. Vile fucking trash...

Agree

Can't blame her one bit, i would be going nowhere

She must even feel sorry for the poor girls fucking him for a chanel bag 😭