Questing my marriage over my husband cheating on me at his stag do

[Flossiecrab]

Hi everyone,I’d like to first preface this by saying I am not here to argue or go back and fourth I’m just merely here to rant as I am very confused at the minute, my sister has been very supportive and I’ll work out how to navigate this in due course. I am in absolute shock and just need some perspective, because my head is completely spinning.

DH and I just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. We have been together over 20 years, we met on the first day of university and have pretty much been together ever since. We have 3 wonderful children together (DC2 is 10, DC3 is 8 and DC4 is 5) By all accounts, we have a very happy, solid marriage. I love him dearly, and I have never once doubted his love for me. Until last night.

We were looking through old photo albums and looking at photos on our his old camera from around our wedding time to celebrate the anniversary. A photo came up from his stag do of a woman I didn’t recognise. When I asked who she was, DH completely froze and started acting weird he wasn’t expecting that photo.

After pressing, he admitted that his friends had hired an ‘high end escort’ for the stag do. Apparently, his mates all chipped in around £20k altogether as a "laugh" for him. I pushed further, and he finally confessed that he did sleep with her.

His justification? It was 15 years ago, it was a "one and done" thing, and he claims he doesn't even properly remember it because he was off his face on coke. He says he only knows it happened because his friends told him the next day, and that it "meant absolutely nothing."

I honestly don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I'm numb, confused, and sick to my stomach. On one hand, it was 15 years ago, we have a beautiful life and kids, and he has been a wonderful husband. On the other hand, he cheated on me right before we said our vows, used illegal drugs, and kept this massive secret instead of just telling me back then. He said he wanted to but we were always busy with something or just generally happy and he didn’t want to ruin our moments.

I accidentally posted it on a different thread will try to get that deleted.

What first attracted you to the wealthy coke head, as Mrs Merton might have said.

Thanks for mansplaining, but I'm pretty sure the poster already understood that part.

This is a very strange thread.

20 k for an escort?

3 children together, but DC2, DC3 and DC4 mentioned. No DC1?

Oh God, yes, how unbelievably embarrassing. They could all be laughing about it every time they have a little reunion. You could never see any of these friends again after this. Not if you have any self esteem left.

Please have a think about why there might not be a DC1....

Yeah it’s not a great feeling I guess we will just have to see how it all goes

If an otherwise wonderful man cheats, this fact:

• he cheated on you

Would have weighed enormously heavy on him, and he would have come clean before you got married and had children so that your life was not built on a lie and you could make the decision yourself.

If a man does all of these:

• cheats
• with a prostitute
• right before you get married

And it doesnt weigh so heavy on his head hr confesses immediately, he is not a good man at all, is a real piece of work and I would be astounded at his ability to keep such a MASSIVE secret and wonder what else he was keeping. This wasnt just a betrayal, it was with a prostitute right before you got married, he's actually EVIL that he could keep that from you.

At the end of the day, he didnt think you were worth enough to tell the truth to, he didnt have enough respect for you to make sure you didnt start your marriage on a lie. That isnt love, thats a man looking for a woman who treats him well to fill the 'wife' role, not because he loves you as an individual and wants you to have the very best in life. Im so sorry you are finding this out now.

It meant nothing....that old chestnut. 🙄

I agree just confused at the moment

I thought that, but she stated 3 children.
DC1 would still be 4 children.

Glad someone else questioned that. Does DH have another child with someone from before you met @Flossiecrab or Does he also have a SC (your child) in this mess?

£5k on a "gift" for other people sounds like he will be paying hefty CM when you get rid of him.

Anyone else think quite a few of the threads recently are just bullshit. £20000 for a prostitute? Give over

What do you mean “just have to see how it goes”?

Youve just found out his so-called friends paid £20k (wtf?) on a prostitute, and your husband -to-be then cheated on you. But was so off his face on coke he can’t actually recall having sex with the prostitute. (I’d also be seriously concerned therefore, did he use any protection if he was so wasted)

In light of the above, you absolutely don’t just have to see how it goes. You can chuck the filthy scum bag out.

Oh god the Sunday evening story tellers are out

First we’d need to figure out things in terms of our children

Well you sound like you like you're ok with it. Perhaps if you can afford to spend that kind of money, it's a lifestyle worth overlooking this for. I mean it's a hard no from me, but It doesn't appear to be so for you.

I think those may be their ages?

Sorry but this won’t be the first or last time he’s done this

No way could I forgive or get over that.

Not only has he cheated and lied to you his so called friends knew and have been effectively laughing at you behind your back because you were being kept in the dark and he has gone along with that.

A few questions for you @Flossiecrab :

If he had told you before the wedding would you have gone through with the wedding?

Are any of your children girls? If yes, how would your or your husband feel if a future husband of hers did what your husband did?

A photo resurfaced, you asked about the woman in the picture, and your husband just caves. He's kept this secret for 15 years, yet he caves when you ask a simple question! 🤔 Rightly or wrongly, most people would have lied, they'd have said 'they were so pissed up, they can't remember her' or similar.

Has your husband shown any remorse at all? The only explanation is that your husband felt guilty and was relieved to tell you. In the process he's just blown up your life.

I can't fathom a group of men each contributing large sums of money, to pay a high end prostitute £20K, for a stag night. They must all have money to burn. Clearly none of them, including your husband saw no wrong in hiring a woman's body. Unfortunately, it shows their mentality and moral compass.

I would be wondering what else your husband has been hiding. I'd also be wondering if this type of behaviour is normal when your husband gets together with his friends. I'd be surprised if this incident is the only one, and it's likely your husband has engaged in this behaviour since.

What you do now, I really don't know. I would find it very difficult to move on from this, it's a huge betrayal.

@Flossiecrab Are you financially dependent on him or do you work? I'm just trying to figure out what on earth is in the way of you leaving him!

Escorts don’t cost £20k for a quickie on a stag do. This makes no sense.

I am sorry this has happened to you OP. It truly is absolutely a complete shit storm of devastation.
I think for me I'd have to insist that at the very least he'd need to cut all ties with everyone in this friendship group if there was even the smallest chance of working through it. If he refused then it just proves how little he values his marriage below fitting in with the 'lads'

Please be fair to yourself. Whatever you are feeling, you are allowed to feel. Maybe it will take a bit of processing & be ok, maybe it won't. I really hope that whatever you decide to do, you'll be ok.

No, She states their ages in the OP

And I have some wonderful friends but I've never spent £5k on them