Questing my marriage over my husband cheating on me at his stag do

[Flossiecrab]

Hi everyone,I’d like to first preface this by saying I am not here to argue or go back and fourth I’m just merely here to rant as I am very confused at the minute, my sister has been very supportive and I’ll work out how to navigate this in due course. I am in absolute shock and just need some perspective, because my head is completely spinning.

DH and I just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. We have been together over 20 years, we met on the first day of university and have pretty much been together ever since. We have 3 wonderful children together (DC2 is 10, DC3 is 8 and DC4 is 5) By all accounts, we have a very happy, solid marriage. I love him dearly, and I have never once doubted his love for me. Until last night.

We were looking through old photo albums and looking at photos on our his old camera from around our wedding time to celebrate the anniversary. A photo came up from his stag do of a woman I didn’t recognise. When I asked who she was, DH completely froze and started acting weird he wasn’t expecting that photo.

After pressing, he admitted that his friends had hired an ‘high end escort’ for the stag do. Apparently, his mates all chipped in around £20k altogether as a "laugh" for him. I pushed further, and he finally confessed that he did sleep with her.

His justification? It was 15 years ago, it was a "one and done" thing, and he claims he doesn't even properly remember it because he was off his face on coke. He says he only knows it happened because his friends told him the next day, and that it "meant absolutely nothing."

I honestly don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I'm numb, confused, and sick to my stomach. On one hand, it was 15 years ago, we have a beautiful life and kids, and he has been a wonderful husband. On the other hand, he cheated on me right before we said our vows, used illegal drugs, and kept this massive secret instead of just telling me back then. He said he wanted to but we were always busy with something or just generally happy and he didn’t want to ruin our moments.

I accidentally posted it on a different thread will try to get that deleted.

Also, a photo from 20 years ago, so not a quick snap on your mobile.

not only has the photo been taken, developed and collected, it’s been purposely kept and stored amongst other photos.

20K on an escort.. as a stag do gift from his friends?

Does he also purchase escorts for his friends on their stag do's and how much has he spent?

15 years of lying, 15 years of having a womans photo in his phone. I couldn't forgive that. What would you have done if you found out when it happened

Yeah. Scummy men. How the fk did they feel it was a good idea to start marriage with infidelity & everyone chip in so he could disrespect his wife to be. Arseholes.

Did the escort remain with them for the whole weekend? I wonder if it was more than one woman. It doesn't really make sense.

One of friends got married recently and they all chipped in around £5k each so I can believe that his friends would spend that much. They’re all friends from boarding school it’s a group of 12 of them who’ve been friends since they were roughly 8 years old at boarding school.

Sorry OP but that wasn't his first or last rodeo. Probably the first time he got an expensive prostitute all to himself but what do you think happened on all the other stag dos? the lucky groom gets to shag a prostitute and the others ... play golf?

If I were you I'd just take a break for a bit. Tell him you aren't making a decision and you aren't forgiving him. Talk to someone neutral yourself to talk this through. It isn't as easy as it would have been if you had known before you married. Fucker robbed you of that choice.

But do it, if you can, with all of the information. There is no way this was the only transgression of his. No way. He is clearly in a group that believes what happens on a stag/boys away is outside of real life.

I'm trying to imagine if it were my husband. The thing is I didn't want to marry a man who did coke and used prostitutes. That is the opposite of the kind of man I wanted to marry and my husband knew that. To realise I had married someone with radically different values and morals than me ... and then the sleaze factor ... and then that he tricked me into marrying someone I wouldn't want to marry - it would be impossible to ignore.

I'm missing the point completely here but this makes no sense?

DC2 is 10, DC3 is 8 and DC4 is 5

Apologies if I am misunderstanding, it's late.

It might have been years ago for him but realistically for you it’s just happened. Only you can decide what to do next, everyone will want to throw in thier 2 pence but it’s your life and you have to do what’s right for you.. the next few days will have you question everything about your relationship. It sounds like your marriage has been mostly a happy one so that should also count for something. Hope you make the right decision for you x

20k 13 years ago !!!

Jeeze im in the wrong job !

seriously i hope you never have to see these “friends “ again it’s their betrayal that would hurt so much too

It is a strange thread.

Is he still friends with the men who set this up?

£20k 15yrs ago seems madness

you can’t trust him. It still happens with other friends /events and if he can lie /hide about it for 15yrs then who knows what he lies over

no one wants to get divorced. I didn’t want to end my marriage - who does and the nice life that you lead

but my self respect and my happiness and my dd happiness meant more to me

And why I’m now happily divorced.

no it’s not how I thought mt
life would turn out like and being a single mum is hard but that’s life

What a load of bollocks! £20k!! You could easily buy a prostitute (a good looking one) for £150 15 years ago!

@OP he claims he doesn't even properly remember it because he was off his face on coke. He says he only knows it happened because his friends told him the next day,

Is he claiming that he was raped, given that he cannot remembering it happening?

Prostitutes don't cost 20k. Unless it was an Instagram model or z list celebrity.

He says he was so off his face he remembers nothing, but he recognised her in the photo immediately.

I think he’s doing everything he can to minimise. Confessing enough that it sounds like he’s come clean, but hiding the bits that make him truly complicit.

She clearly didn’t, otherwise she wouldn’t have asked for it to be explained?

By the way; you seem very unpleasant and I don’t think you understand what mansplaining is. Don’t reply to me again.

I'm afraid I take a different view. I'd just let it go if otherwise you're happy together. Why harm the family you have? Choose peace and your future happiness. It was ages ago and a complete one off. He's drawn a line under it and so can you.

Will you ever be able to respect him again? I’d have the ick forevermore.

I just ticked "great dad" off my arseholes bingo board.

😂 Yeah OK then...

I remember that thread- the OP was so upset and disgusted etc etc. Then her DH promised her a "slap up meal at a fancy restaurant" and a new handbag, and suddenly everything was fine again.
🤷‍♀️
Some women just have very low standards.

Get yourself tested for all STDs OP

You just celebrated your 13th wedding anniversary but his stag do was 15 years ago? Unusual timing!

he claims he doesn't even properly remember it because he was off his face on coke

Bullshit. I did a lot of coke back in uni/party days and it does not make you forget things. It heightens your alertness. So he would have been well aware what he was doing. Even if he gave in to “peer pressure”. He can’t blame cocaine, or even alcohol for this.

I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how disgusted and betrayed you feel.

You don’t have to make any decisions right now. However, I would want space away from him to be able to try and process this and gather my thoughts without him interfering or trying to manipulate me.