Not let dd2 join dd1’s hobby

[freddierose]

Two DD’s 13 months apart, DD1 (9) and DD2 (8).

They are both lovely girls who normally get on really well. Dd2 has always been more advanced than dd1 (walked, talked, potty trained first etc) with this trend continuing.

It’s never been a concern as DD1 was never behind in general, Dd2 just seems preform slightly above at most things.

About a month ago dd1 came to me in tears saying dd2 is better than her at everything and that she hates her. Since then she’s been really down on herself and been unkind to dd2. We’ve been trying to strengthen dd1’s confidence and focus on her own hobbies and friendships separate to dd2 who as far as we’ve witnessed hasn’t actually done or said anything wrong.

DD1 has done a certain hobby since she was 3 which she loves and is quite good at. Dd2 already does lots of activities but has now said she wants to join this one, she watched a film with it in and is really excited about it. DD1 is furious and upset.

I think it would really negatively impact dd1 to have dd2 join her hobby as it’s likely dd2 would quickly overtake her at it so we should say sorry you already do enough activities and that is your sisters one. DH thinks that’s ridiculous and would be enabling dd1’s jealousy and punishing dd2 for nothing so dd2 should be able to join

AIBU to not want to let dd2 join?

Can your DD2 try ice dance or pairs if your DD1 is doing singles?

Anyway, you say your DD2 is taller - that's a disadvantage for figure skating. Being tiny, very light and having a pre-pubescent frame is much more of an advantage for skating girls.

I don't understand how you can take one DD to an ice rink miles away, every week since age 3, while DD 2 has never stepped onto the rink, ever.
Wasn't there a Saturday morning where you just all went along as a family, to have a skate around?

I do have some sympathy for DD2 - having not been allowed to try things thanks to younger sister doing them - but then again she started a few things just because I did them - though I kept them up longer in end as she lost interest.

My parents were shocked by my GCSE results - really good because I'd struggled in primary - took getting to uni to find I have SEN including dsylexia - as those early labels - me being not acadmic and her being the acadmic star- had stuck around too long (they still crop up now though having done better I can laugh it off).

Those early struggles taught me to kuckle down and keep plodding on - but hard to not feel hurt when Mum came home from p/t meet saying teacher has said finally got the genes right with youngest - why relay that to a child . My DC get on really well and are hugely supportive of each other - but even they hate comparisons or the well sibling is good at this why aren't you and we've stamped on that as much as we could. It's also why I think two kids is worst combination as generation above us is all two and the sibling rivalry and comparisions have caused real damage.

I would see if DD2 interest continues - if she been near ice rinks waiting for DD1 it could be more long term interest. If it does continue I would let her start - hoping DD1 had enough of a head start in sport and trying like mad not to allow people to compare them.

Also this. It's a bit weird.

But figure skating is a sport you have to start super young to get any competitive results (like gymnastics) so chances are your DD2 will not excel to such an extent as to threaten DD1.

@user1492757084, how to say you are middle class without openly stating that you are middle class. I agree that swimming is a vital life skill but skiing and riding? I have managed to reach the grand old age of 61 without ever learning how to ride or ski, as have the vast majority of people l know. I'm sure they are fun activities but life skills? I don't think so.

My Mum used to say, "No, that's DD1's thing," etc. If she's still banging on about in six months, maybe reconsider. But also perhaps tell her she'll have to quit something else?

So Noel Streatfield's "White Boots" was entirely unrealistic? That's sad.

This is interesting...my son (12) and daughter (10) both do speed skating. Daughter is in general much sportier than son, and almost as tall, but he's a better skater. They both started at the same time, with no previous skating experience. Daughter does dance and has great balance etc, but it has not translated seamlessly to the rink, whereas son just ploughs on and got his crossovers sorted pretty quickly. So your younger daughter may not be automatically better straight away!

Absolutely agree. Poor DD2 being penalised for no reason at all

do you think there may be an element that dd2 wants to do it to feel closer with dd1 again if she’s noticed she’s pulled away?

I would make excuses/delay her starting so dd1 can maintain her own identity/activity for now, and over the summer try to build their relationship back up again, have them spend time together, sleepovers etc something to bond them, then dd2 may not feel the need to elbow in on dd1s activity if she feels accepted by her again.

Separate activities is best
You can say no to dd2
It sounds like she does plenty all ready

Children everywhere get told no if they want to do a sport they saw in a movie. I’d say you do enough for now, if you’re still keen in a year we can consider. Bear in mind you may have to drop something as there are only so many hours in the day. And try and think of family things - walks, movies, games, baking, craft, to do regularly to keep them hanging out together in a non competitive way, and support dd1 to be her own unique self.

Exactly. If you give her enough time without saying a straight "no",she might forget about it or find something else she wants to do.

DD1 will surely find things she is better at. DD1 for example did better at school/studying/exams and is a lovely dancer. DD2 is really good at most sport and picks anything practical up quicker, like riding a bike, learning to drive. You show her something once and she can do it.

They did one hobby together but also found their own things. I agree with the advance of not a straight no now, but if she still wants to try in a few months then she can.

As someone who was DD2, I was confused by the fact that my mum always downplayed my achievements to save my sister’s feelings. It really damaged my self esteem and made me try even harder to succeed. Instead of potentially harming and depriving your youngest, teach the oldest to be proud of herself for who she is and to stop blaming her sister for her own feelings of inadequacy. Seriously, improve her self esteem with loads of love, support and reassurance without damaging her sister’s.

As someone who was DD2, I was confused by the fact that my mum always downplayed my achievements to save my sister’s feelings. It really damaged my self esteem and made me try even harder to succeed. Instead of potentially harming and depriving your youngest, teach the oldest to be proud of herself for who she is and to stop blaming her sister for her own feelings of inadequacy. Seriously, improve her self esteem with loads of love, support and reassurance without damaging her sister’s.

I posted upthread about having this situation with my dds a year apart and mentioned that it affects the younger one too - the younger one deserves to have her achievements celebrated too. This is why I think it is important to have them in different activities if possible (other than the required ones of school/swimming etc) so each of them can shine/just be without reference to the other.

It is nice to say improve self esteem with love etc. but the reality for someone who lives with, loves, goes to school with, and does hobbies with someone who consistently out performs them- in a situation where the world expects the elder to do better - is very very hard and I think if you can provide some separate spaces for them it is better. like I said the best thing we did for our girls - both of them - was send them to separate high schools. My dd2 was in school with twins who had a very similar dynamic and their relationship is very tricky in their 20s. dd2 can see it from both points of view.

Without a doubt you don’t let the younger join. Not quite same but our second DD who is ND finally found a hobby she loves. Even if older DD was interested I would not let her near it!

I wonder if this is already going on, and that’s why DD2 is already so driven.

This really. If she has a one hour a week lesson it’s highly unlikely she’s going to surpass dd1 anytime soon.

I can absolutely relate to your post, although fortunately due to bigger age gaps between same sex siblings, my situation isn’t as difficult to manage. My third child is your DD2. He genuinely just excels in every sport he tries, and he has an easier time academically than his siblings. I would use the close age gap and the need for them to have some independence and separation as the reason for both girls needing to have one activity separate to their sibling. Your DD1 has hers, so it’s just making sure DD2 also does an activity completely separately to DD1, which it sounds like she does. Even if differing physical talent wasn’t an issue, it’s probably a good idea for 2 same-sex siblings that close in age to have an outlet completely seperate to their sibling. That doesn’t mean you can’t go iceskating for fun as a family during the school holidays though. There is no reason your DD2 can’t go for fun from time to time.
I think while your DD2 suddenly WANTS to do iceskating, your DD1 NEEDS to have some separation from her sister, and to have something she can feel is ‘hers’ to support her self esteem and identity development through high school. I actually think my opinion would be the same even if your DD1 was the child with more sporting potential. She would still deserve an activity without her little sister, and it will be good for your DD2 to have her own outlets as she moves into the tween years.

When I was a child I had a serious undiagnosed illness which meant that I suffered severe muscle wasting, stunted growth and delayed physical development (to illustrate, my bone age was 6 when I was 11). My brother, 4 years younger, meanwhile, was extremely sporty and reached competitive levels in gymnastics and a few other sports.

My Mum forced me to go to a lot of the same sports my brother did because I needed to build muscle back. I'm sure you can imagine a 10 yo at a club alongside her 5 yo brother, except he's better than her, and the coaches heaping praise on him and rolling their eyes at her. It was rough. Then at school, I was skipped up a year, so these children I'm competing against were physically 6 years ahead of me. Endless humiliation.

When I was about 12 I started ice skating, the first sport I'd ever been tempted to do without being forced. After a few months, my brother wanted to start.

Like your DD1, I asked my Mum if I could just have this one thing for me. They didn't listen. A few months later, he overtook me after I didn't pass a level and he did. It felt like just another area where I was second best and my baby brother was better than me. I quit and never bothered trying another sport after that.

DD2 has plenty of things to shine in. Let DD1 keep this one for herself.

My older two are 15 months apart and girl, boy but we have had dd1 express upset at the fact that ds is stronger, quicker than her at a lot of things. She has dyspraxia and already feels this way about other kids at school.She accepts that but it can be all encompassing when it's a sibling you can't get away from.

We point out dd1s strengths and that whilst different to her brother are no less valid or special. They both go to music class but are learning different instruments, so have different challenges and support each other with lots of encouragement. We always emphasise that it is about improving yourself not competing against others but they are kids and it's hard for the one that always comes off feeling not quite good enough.

In your case I would either suggest dd2 do something different or find a different place for her to learn so for example if it is gymnastics then go to different classes.

I have a friend who's DCs were about a year apart, the younger daughter has always always outshone her brother,
Sailing, Tennis, Skiing, Horse jumping, School. I mean excelling, County & National teams etc.
Fortunately the brother was also very good at most activities & as she went off to doing a specific training at about 13, he didn't have his face rubbed in it too much, & she was obliged to streamline all her sports into one specific one, but he has said that he always felt second best.
They have almost no interaction at all as young adults. I don't think he likes her much.
Sorry this is not helpful

Was the film ice princess? It always makes me want to try it 😂

YABVU towards DD2. Why should she not have a go - it might turn out to be her most favourite activity ever. She might be a future World number 1!
DH is right.
DD1 needs to accept that DD2 is talented in some areas. Lots of other people might be better at some things than her too. It might not even be the case for this hobby.
DD2 should not be deliberately held back because her DSis is jealous and unkind.
I'm thinking of some famous sporting siblings - imagine if their parents had done this.
DD1 is the one with the negative behaviour in this scenario. I wouldn't punish her sibling for it.
I'm shocked at the votes so far.