Not let dd2 join dd1’s hobby

[freddierose]

Two DD’s 13 months apart, DD1 (9) and DD2 (8).

They are both lovely girls who normally get on really well. Dd2 has always been more advanced than dd1 (walked, talked, potty trained first etc) with this trend continuing.

It’s never been a concern as DD1 was never behind in general, Dd2 just seems preform slightly above at most things.

About a month ago dd1 came to me in tears saying dd2 is better than her at everything and that she hates her. Since then she’s been really down on herself and been unkind to dd2. We’ve been trying to strengthen dd1’s confidence and focus on her own hobbies and friendships separate to dd2 who as far as we’ve witnessed hasn’t actually done or said anything wrong.

DD1 has done a certain hobby since she was 3 which she loves and is quite good at. Dd2 already does lots of activities but has now said she wants to join this one, she watched a film with it in and is really excited about it. DD1 is furious and upset.

I think it would really negatively impact dd1 to have dd2 join her hobby as it’s likely dd2 would quickly overtake her at it so we should say sorry you already do enough activities and that is your sisters one. DH thinks that’s ridiculous and would be enabling dd1’s jealousy and punishing dd2 for nothing so dd2 should be able to join

AIBU to not want to let dd2 join?

DD1 has one thing that it hers. DD2 can have everything else in the entire world. People are allowed to say no to a child's wish.

I was the youngest of three. I wasn’t allowed to join the same clubs and activities. There was nothing else I was interested in so I didn’t do any! I thought it was completely unfair of my parents.

I would say no she can't join. If she does lots of activities anyway then that's fair as far as I'm concerned - she has chosen her sports and activities and she has chosen hers. It's not bad parenting to parent your children - they can't have everything they want.

Let her enjoy her sport solo from her sister.

And that’s fine but you can’t stop a child from doing something as mainstream as ice skating because another lacks confidence. They will have to find something else.

Hard one this. I totally understand dd1's pov; I also feel for dd2 who is going to be told she can't do an activity she is interested in because her sister doesn't want her to do it. No other reason- not cost, safety, logistics, time availability, just that her sister doesn't want her to. If I were said elder sister I wouldn't want her to either, but if I were dd2 I would just hear "your sisters feelings matter in a way yours don't".

Is dd1 good at skating?

That’s very odd. I come from a family of 3 kids and we all played the same instruments and did the same sports.

In the long run we liked different things.

This is a difficult one, on the one hand i agree that DD1 should be allowed to have activities that only she does without DD2 tagging along but i also feel its unfair to stop DD2 from doing something she really wants to do simply because she MIGHT be better, could DD1 not teach her the hobby? it would help her confidence that she is better at something and teaching DD2 and if DD2 does surpass her you could put it down to DD1 being such a good teacher?

That was poor on your parents. But this dd2 does have other hobbies/sports.

My older siblings have a mild genetic disability. They weren’t academic and went to special schools. One was good at gymnastics and the other did church led activities. I wanted to join too and be like them but was told it was their thing?! As I was able bodied I could be good at anything else so I had to chose something else?!

Ooohhh it’s a tough one OP, but fair doesn’t always mean the same. I think DD1 would suffer more for her sister joining the class than DD2 would be missing it. So I’d probably say no you have x,y,z maybe in the future we’ll look into it. You can also be completely honest with her and say it’s healthy for dd1 & her to have separate activities to develop their independence. It’s really hard though you’ll feel like the bad guy either way!

I have a younger sister. She joined pretty much every hobby I did as a child and was always better at it than me. Looking back it was likely just because the hobbies were physical and I’m dyspraxic and she’s not. But at the time I didn’t know that as I was undiagnosed so it did make me feel a bit inadequate compared to her. However, I don’t believe my parents should have banned my sister from doing these activities just because I did them first. She genuinely enjoyed them and was good at them. She’s making a career out of one of them now. It was a bit rubbish for me as a child to have to watch her excel at everything while I struggled but I still think that had nothing to do with my sister really and I’m glad she wasn’t held back just to make me feel better.

I have two boys, equally academic but both very sporty however one seems to have slightly more natural competitive drive and talent for most sports (like you it’s the younger one). The elder one does very well in the sports that they have in common, however never quite as well as his younger brother. They are slightly older than yours now and what has massively helped their relationship is the older one finding his own thing that he is naturally better at than his little bro, and also when his brother thought about potentially taking up that sport we chatted to him about how he had a lot on his plate already (doing 2 sports at a national level, 1 at regional and one at county), and perhaps it would also be good for his older brother to have his “own thing”. So little bro goes along occasionally for special training events just to “have a go” but as he doesn’t train at it his big brother is far more skilled (and naturally I think he does have more aptitude for it too). This has taken us to age about 13 & 11 though to find DS1s thing that he is better at. They used to do all the same sports and were very competitive with each other comparing times and GB rankings in their age groups (which was also problematic as ones age group locally is much more competitive than the other), even thiugh we have never compared them or focussed on results only on effort. Since DS1 branching out slightly into 2 slightly different sports they have been much happier and actually really quite supportive of each other even in the 2 sports they both still do together. There are minor irritations when DS2 wins a rake of medals and DS1 only gets 1 or 2 but both are very good at not boasting or rubbing it in the other ones face and I think they are learning more and more as they grow up to be each others cheerleaders more.

with your daughters I would talk to the 8 year old and explain that she already does lots of sports and how it’s hard for might be nice to let older sister have one thing that is just hers - don’t ban the younger one from it but perhaps ask if she really wants to do it even if it might upset her big sister. And ask her what she is going to give up in order to make time for the new hobby? That’s always a good one as with our boys they never want to give up any of their sports so it actually prevents them from training for other things that teams try to recruit them into!

Name changed for this.

My sister is 18 months younger than me and I was never allowed to do anything by myself. Every time I found something I wanted to do there would only be a few weeks of doing it myself before she joined. It was stifling. I am nearly 50 and I the dynamic is STILL there. (I manage it by avoiding family events in general, and my sister in particular, unless absolutely necessary.)

It doesn't even have to be about who's better at activity x, or who is favoured - although this was the case for us, see below - it's often simply about wanting just an hour or so a week of time apart. Having typed that out, I can see that the need for the time apart may be greater if there is a dynamic where one sibling is, or is perceived to be, favoured.

I am very academic and was two years ahead at school. But I have also always been hearing impaired and socially awkward. Hearing impairment often comes with being clumsy. So I was academic, awkward, and clumsy - which made sports hard, and it was also hard to make friends. In contrast, my sister was academically slightly above average for her age, very pretty and confident and outgoing, and very good at all sports. She was able to make friends very quickly and easily. She was also the golden child. My academic success could not be celebrated because it made her feel inadequate. In contrast, we all went out to celebrate every sporting success.

The result of all of this was that any time I found somewhere where I was starting to make friends, my sister would also demand to come too - and very quickly whatever friendships I thought I had been working on disappeared as everyone gravitated towards her. I'm pretty sure that most of the time she didn't actually want to do whatever it was, she just enjoyed making me miserable. (She still does.)

I wish I had been given the opportunity to have just one thing of my own with kids my own age without my sister. I think that if this had been allowed, we might well not resent each other as adults. Let your oldest child have one thing to themselves. Explain to your youngest child that it is fine and normal for her sister to want to do one thing by herself. And if the youngest one is desperate to do ice skating - as in genuinely desperate, and not just to spite the older one - then help the older one to find something else that she can do by herself.

@Monty36 I don't think it's unusual for the older child not to be confident. In fact, in every single group I know, the second one is FAR more confident than the older one! I'm the eldest. My sister was far more confident than I was, she still is!

I have seen this okay out already albeit with twins. Like you describe one very natural talented and Capable in most areas and an early achiever whereas the other struggling a lot more and things came slower.
the hobby was gym / acro and the more capable twin wanted to join …annoying so she was superb and got noticed as a natural talent and grace… the twin who joined first took a real confidence and self image hit and quit. It didn’t last too long but she never rejoined the hobby sadly and the mother ( I’m aunt ) wished she had kept it ring fenced for the twin who loved it initially. They were 9 if that helps x

I’ve been in exactly the same situation as you, 2 DDs, 17 months apart. DD2 always reached milestones younger than DD1 had and was just always ‘better’ at things. DD2 found a hobby that she excelled at early on, DD1 tried various hobbies but didn’t excel and left each one after a year or so. At age 10 she finally found a hobby she was good at (and still does now at 18). DD2 expressed an interest in it a couple of years in but DD1 really didn’t want her to as she knew she’d probably be better at it than her and so I said no, that was DD1’s thing. DD2 was disappointed but I didn’t want her to take away DD1s long awaited hobby happiness!

As a twin (I am the smarter twin not to be unkind) let dd2 have a go at the ice skating personally

@AnotherNameChangeChange

I wish I had been given the opportunity to have just one thing of my own with kids my own age without my sister. I think that if this had been allowed, we might well not resent each other as adults. Let your oldest child have one thing to themselves. Explain to your youngest child that it is fine and normal for her sister to want to do one thing by herself. And if the youngest one is desperate to do ice skating - as in genuinely desperate, and not just to spite the older one - then help the older one to find something else that she can do by herself.

Highly unlikely that if you’d had say bowling to yourself it would have made any significant difference to your relationship.

And if, because you were more academic, you weren’t allowed to do something to allow her to shine - would you have been likely not to be resentful?

Having weekly lessons isn't common at all. For starters, there are few ice skating rinks in the country, and those lucky enough to live near one are far more likely to use them recreationally.

Re "bowling" - impossible to say as it didn't happen.

Re academics - not sure if even my mother could have removed me from GCSE / A level exam entry so this is not really a helpful question. Other than pull me out of school, how could my mother stop me from achieving academically to allow my sister to shine?!

I appreciate some (most?) families try to treat all kids the same. That was not the case in my family, and still isn't. Sometimes there is a golden child. And often the fact that there is a golden child is evident to everyone except the golden child and/or the favouring parents. And whether there is a golden child situation or not, it's not unreasonable for siblings to want to do things by themselves. (Which doesn't mean stopping the others from doing something they really want to do, as I acknowledged above - simply that if sibling 2 joins sibling 1's only solo activity, sibling 1 is likely to want to find something else to do by themselves.)

It makes me think about "White Boots" by Noel Stretfeild. It's a story of a friendship that is damaged when someone is technically better at ice-skating than their new friend that they meet at the rink.

I'm the younger sib. I never got into Chess because I realised it was my "brother's thing". He realised I outstripped him in most things and became resigned to it.

It's a tough one. It's unfair that DD2 can't ice skate because it's DD1's thing. However, I totally get that it might feel unfair if DD2 does overtake a hobby that DD1 loves. Only you know your DDs well enough to know I suspect. I'd talk to DD2 about how important it is to DD1 and how they tend to overtake things. DD2 might just say they'd like to do it for fun and not competitively. Or they might say it's something they'd really like to do — in which case you just have to encourage them I guess. It's horrible being the second sib and not being encouraged in things.

It's not fair to DD2, and not nice for DD1 either. They will both figure out what you're doing, and it will make things worse.

It sounds like you have two great kids and you need to navigate this period with skill and care to avoid resentment building.It also sounds like you are doing exactly that.
The role model here is Judy Murray. She had two highly skilled tennis sons but she could not support both of their careers. Andy, the youngest, was the more gifted when it came to singles. She had the very hard decision to tell her elder son Jamie that should not fund both of them on the singles circuit. She was already in significant debt to the sport.
She also realised the Jamie had a real chance of winning trophies and much needed prize-money if he pursued a doubles career and she promised him support if he moved into that arena. It was the right call. Both sons became champions and both thrived. They remain close. It could have been v different if she had not used her skills as the CEO of that family to ensure they played to their individual strengths and did not end up competing on the singles circuit. She writes about this well in her autobiography. It might be worth a read.
You must treat both of your girls fairly but you don’t need to treat them exactly the same all the time. Sometimes one will need more than the other and vice-versa. As long as you’re treating them fairly and equally overall, that is enough.
I’d encourage DD2 to take up a different activity and give DD1 something she loves and some breathing space to do it in. Just like I’d encourage them both to play an instrument or learn a language but not the same instrument and not the same language. And at the risk of sounding Pollyanna-ish, my niece once told my daughter at a similar age to your girls that she had worked out and couldn’t be the smartest in the room or the most popular but she could always be the kindest in the room so that was what she planned to be. As it turned out she is smart, popular and kind. But kindness was something she could control and something she became known for. There are plenty of things DD1can excel at if she puts her mind to it that have nothing to do with DD2. Help her find her niche.

There’s all kinds of academic awards, competitions, prizes, cups etc within school or externally you could be held back from entering to protect your sister.

I was not entered into any external academic competitions at school. I don't think this was about "protecting my sister" as much as it was about the fact that I was out of sync with my age group.

I entered - and won - plenty of prizes at university. So, yes, when I was in control of the situation I was able to stretch myself academically.

I have not suggested that my sister was being "protected" from my academic success, she did well academically and this was certainly celebrated. And we were not in the same class, so she had space to develop at her own pace. Unlike in the clubs etc we went to together outside of school. She has never suggested that she resents my academic ability, although she might. I don't resent her sporting ability, or the fact that she is not disabled, or the fact that she is pretty and popular whereas I am Little Miss Awkward - I resent the fact that whenever I found myself an environment to try and make friends my own age she would insist on also joining and I would once again be the kid that was left out.

I'm really not sure of your point? I am simply arguing that it is not unreasonable for siblings to want to do things by themselves, especially if they are close in age. And that preventing them having that space can result in resentment, especially if one child is, or is perceived to be, favoured.