Not let dd2 join dd1’s hobby

[freddierose]

Two DD’s 13 months apart, DD1 (9) and DD2 (8).

They are both lovely girls who normally get on really well. Dd2 has always been more advanced than dd1 (walked, talked, potty trained first etc) with this trend continuing.

It’s never been a concern as DD1 was never behind in general, Dd2 just seems preform slightly above at most things.

About a month ago dd1 came to me in tears saying dd2 is better than her at everything and that she hates her. Since then she’s been really down on herself and been unkind to dd2. We’ve been trying to strengthen dd1’s confidence and focus on her own hobbies and friendships separate to dd2 who as far as we’ve witnessed hasn’t actually done or said anything wrong.

DD1 has done a certain hobby since she was 3 which she loves and is quite good at. Dd2 already does lots of activities but has now said she wants to join this one, she watched a film with it in and is really excited about it. DD1 is furious and upset.

I think it would really negatively impact dd1 to have dd2 join her hobby as it’s likely dd2 would quickly overtake her at it so we should say sorry you already do enough activities and that is your sisters one. DH thinks that’s ridiculous and would be enabling dd1’s jealousy and punishing dd2 for nothing so dd2 should be able to join

AIBU to not want to let dd2 join?

This thread is fascinating because so many posters identify so strongly with either one child or the other!

I’m team DD1 - not actually from an achievement POV but just from a letting kids have something that’s THEIRS place. My family always used to muscle in on things that I did so I never actually got to go somewhere and just be me - I was always X’s sister or Y’s daughter and it wasn’t nice, actually, so be spoken about like I was an accessory to a relative. It wasn’t until I basically ended up at county level that I finally got to do something alone with nobody else deciding to join in and it was lovely.

Let DD1 have her skating. It’s her breathing space.

If you were skipped ahead a year in school you must be very bright. It sounds like your parents missed lots of opportunities to praise you in other ways😢

The thing is, being bright isnt that visible. Not in the way being good at sport is, esp when you talk about going up one level.
Praise might help but if the child doesn’t feel like it has been hardship for them to do that (I didn’t, not did dc1), they won’t get the ‘oh look at good I am’ feeling. It’s just what it is.

So was my brother. He stayed in his own year group and was an early September birthday (I was summer born) and in the end he got much better grades than me. I think it didn't make either of us feel good- he felt like he'd done everything 2 years slower than me and I felt like I'd failed to live up to expectations.

We did both get a lot of praise but also regular reminders that we weren't quite good enough, especially me, and I still deal with almost daily comparisons. He got to Grade 8 violin, I only made it to Grade 6 piano. He became a high earning dentist, I still haven't settled on a career. He has loads of pets and a baby and still they keep the house spotless, unlike my messy house. He's sporty and fit and my Mum is "very worried" about my health and activity levels. He is so knowledgeable and well-read (i.e. he shares the same political opinions as her and I don't so he must be smarter) and I am lazy and not interested in learning. He is caring, sensitive and family oriented and I'm not (he answers her calls once a month, I visit them every weekend.)

So yeh, it runs deeper than ice skating but I think DD1 should be allowed to have ice skating and to feel like she's got a thing that's hers.

Another thing my brother was excellent at was small niggling comments, barely noticeable to outsiders but constantly adding up so that when I finally reacted, I was the one looking bad while Mr Innocent always looked so kind and angelic.
My parents had no idea and my mother still likes to "laugh" about what a nasty child I was towards him.

There is a chance that she doesn’t like it and perhaps won’t excel at it - can you take her skating for fun and see? Would they be in the same competition age bracket if she were to join?

Could ypu explain to dd2 why you'd like to keep this one thing just for dd1? Would she be mature enough to take that or would she use it against dd1?

I wouldn't allow it no. There are plenty of other things DD2 can do. Poor DD1 needs to have something that is hers and hers alone.

Your younger should absolutely not join her sister in her hobby.
We were in a similar boat with boys 16 months apart, the younger one finds life very easy. He is academically very bright, a natural sportsman and a social butterfly. At around the same ages as your girls our boys realised the differences between them and went from being good friends as well as siblings to fighting and bickering all the time.
We didn’t let them do the same hobbies, if they wanted to do the same things they were taken separately on separate evenings.
Now they are older (secondary school age) they have very different interests, different friendships and chose to go to different schools.
They get on well now they realise they are both celebrated as individuals with talents of their own, there isn’t that competitive edge to them and our eldest one has jad a chance to shine on his own.
Your daughter is already comparing herself unfavourably to her sister, please don’t give her more chances to feel second best, she should have this one sport to herself.

Poor DD1. She will hopefully learn to live with the fact that her sister is just more likely to be better at most physical activities.

But you also need to protect her self esteem to some extent while she finds things about herself that she values. I think let her have just this one thing to herself. It doesn't seem too much to ask. I would say that even if the "talent" aspect didn't come into it.

I had/ have a sister close in age and I'd often start an activity, really enjoy it, start to make friends and enjoy "my" thing away from the rest of the family. Then as soon as my sister was old enough my mum would just drop her into the same activity (she liked the child free time) and the dynamic was so different that I enjoyed it less, often a lot less. I got pretty rebellious as a teen as I was desperate for my own space and identity.

I don’t think they are too young to understand the concept of having things just for them. If that is discussed with both of them and it’s emphasised as somethintg you think is good for both of them to be able to have and to have space to grow while apart from each other I think that’s ok, the “equal” aspect being they both are allowed to have their own thing. My DDs are 17 and 29 now but were good at different things so this is the kind of thing that could have arisen. They are both passionate about their own (different) sports and I can see that either one of them would have been really upset if the other had joined in and been better than them.

17 and 20 I mean

Man this is a tough one! I was team DD1 to protect self esteem at first …. But actually preventing DD2 from doing something simply because she may be better also seems incredibly unfair.

@freddierose how many hobbies / sports do each girl
currently have?

Are both girls jointly at any of them?

If they don’t share any already it’s easy to say no they each other own and if they share a couple but each have an individual it’s easy again to say no each of you get your own one thing each to just be child and child rather than sisters.

If dd2 has 5 hobbies and dd1 only has 1 or 2 again it’s easy to say no as she already has so many.

Im all for dd2 shouldn’t be stomped on but it’s dd1 who’s crying out that she feels lesser already and now dd2 is trying to muscle in on this sport as well.

I also don’t believe most parents just say yes to every hobby or sport their child wants to try either.

Posters up thread have already talked about how they quit their loved hobby or sport because the better sibling joined and ruined it for them.

Now girls especially already struggle to stay connected to sports a lot as shown by how a lot of end up hating sport by the end of secondary school so I’d also be wary of pushing dd1 out of the if it is one sport she does and enjoys.

As the dd1, my achievements were played down for the younger sibling if ever I was doing better so that's not a forgone conclusion that is happening - in fact if the older one is feeling that the younger is doing better in everything then it probably isn't happening.

To read people's comments here, you'd think that the younger one is a forgone conclusion of going to be world champion and this is depriving them from the one thing they are going to excel and make their career, and the older one is blocking the younger from doing anything and everything.

Poor Cinderella is sitting at home while her sister has a whirlwind of activities going on that she won't even let Cinderella take a peep at.

But this is not the case. she is doing plenty of activities - they're even doing some things the same, and probably normally in the same groups due to their closeness in age. The older one is asking for space on one activity. The activity she loves and has done for years. She's not asking for dd2 to drop one of the activities she already does.

And it's not necessarily relevant that her sister may not be as good; it's the feeling of not having your own space to be yourself. Always feeling that they're there and you are on your metal, expected to look out for them, and be kind and include them.
As they get older, especially with the closeness in age, they need to have things of their own. I wish my parents had understood that because it would have meant a much better relationship with my younger sibling.

I think in a sense let both of them do it and maybe one sister will be better than the other. It could spur them on to do better like the Williams tennis sisters.

In the early pages I was going to say if the hobby is a sport then you can’t stop DD2 doing it. As it turns out to be skating I stand by that.

It would be unfair on DD2 to stop her skating.

If it was something more niche I would say different. I think you might find something else for DD1 to have to herself.

Any interest or activity the older sister does the younger cannot do. OR that is how it will seem to the younger daughter. Eventually.
She is trying to keep up with her not much older sister at the moment.
Might be interested in ice skating. Nabbed. So no. Your older sister got there first. Shows an interest in this or that, off limits for the younger child.
It is unusual to have an older child that lacks confidence. Usually they are likely to have plenty of it. Be sure that her complaint about her sister is not just a strange form of attention in order to put her sister down and make sure she doesn’t do ice skating. It may well not be, but be sure.

The younger daughter will always feel she is running from behind.
I would be worried if this extends to school and achieving. If the older one does well, the younger one whilst bright may decide she cannot compete.
Nip it in the bud now. And get them to respect each other first and foremost.
I think it would be ridiculous not to let any of the children not pursue an interest because the other one is doing it first.
Let them be a bit free. When they see they are not restricted to interests or one thing doesn’t ‘belong’ to the other they might shine at what they really like to do.

@glovebox This thread is fascinating because so many posters identify so strongly with either one child or the other!

Surely it’s better not to identify with either sister but stand back and look at the dynamics objectively.

This thread is fascinating to me.
First it’s very clear it’s reflecting a lot of unsealed hurt some posters have frim childhood. On both sides of the equation.

Then there is the idea that you can’t stop someone doing xyz sport ‘because they migut become world champion’. Apart from the fact it’s only a very very remote possibility, is that the only reason why we encourage our children to practice a sport? Because if that’s the idea behind it, I’m not surprised most teens stop doing said sport, esp at higher levels.

And then theres this idea that the dd1 just work on her self esteem, learn to appreciate other people strengths, learn about her own strengths etc….
Let’s rewind there. We’re talking about primary age chikdren. Children who needs to be taught. Who need to have the right nurturing environment around them. And some posters woukd like them to act as if they were adukts. Or, légale even worse, woukd like to put adukt responsibilities on the children’s shoulders. To do things that a hell of a lot of ADULTS just can’t do. Mind is boggling on that one.

Let DD1 have her chance to shine at this. You said that DD2 already has other stuff that she does, so let this be DD1's thing.

really difficult OP.
I had this with my older sister (3 years older than me) but wasn’t AS bad as I think it doesn’t feel as bad when the sibling is older where maybe DD1 feels sad as she’s older.
i would say not to let dd2 do ice skating. Ask her to pick a different hobby for now. As you said, you’re building dd1’s confidence and it’s nice for them to do their own thing, especially being so close in age.

Skating is a common sport that a lot of kids do. This can’t be the thing that DD1 has to herself as it would be fundamentally unfair to prevent DD2 practising a popular sport simply because her sister lacks confidence.

It would be good for DD1 to have some niche stuff to herself but not this.

But DD2 already has other activities that she does. Let DD1 have her thing otherwise it will just ruin it for her.

Sounds like the elder dc already believes that she is useless, that her younger sister is better than her at everything, and her confidence and self-esteem has been destroyed by it. At the moment, there is only one thing she can do that her sister can't, and having that taken away from her as well would be devastating.