AIBU to rethink a friendship after comments about weight being a choice?

[MyCherryPiee]

I met with a friend last night and she has said something which is can’t stop thinking about and is making me quite mad.

She said being fat is a choice most of the time. She agreed that in certain cases like PCOS and medical conditions it isn’t a choice but in most cases it is a choice.

Friend is very health conscious, fit and active. She is usually quite upfront with her words but not hateful with it. I’ve never witnessed her say anything like this before. I am just appalled at this thinking from a full grown woman.

AIBU to think the comment is more complicated than she says and also in thinking I don’t want to be friends anymore?

it is definitely more complicated than she says. But as to whether you end the friendship - it feels a bit extreme to me but only you know your boundaries. However people share different opinions on lots of things and can still be friends.

Many people think what she said out loud so don’t delude yourself otherwise

And thinking that way doesn’t make people malicious it’s just how they see the world

I’m overweight and it certainly is my own fault!

It is mainly a choice though

Well I guess she sees herself constantly making the choice to calorie count or select healthier foods, and do regular exercise. So in her mind presumably doing the opposite is also a choice.

This is true to an extent and there's no point in saying you have absolutely no control over the health or size of your own body. You are the only person who can have control over it. The problem is people get into habits, both good and bad and they become the norm. Or they feel out of control.

Also a lot of people suffer from food addiction, disordered eating or using food as an emotional crutch. So in that respect you're not choosing to do that. But the consequences of it are you become an unhealthy weight.

If she was saying it purely in a nasty way about you personally I can see it being hurtful. But as a general comment she's not wrong in many ways.

Very childlike to ditch a friend because you have one differing belief

I forgot she also said she wakes up every day and chooses not to be fat. Hence why she works out as much as she does and eats clean.

It just feels very hateful.

Of course it’s a choice for most of us.

I recently lost over five and a half stone using Mounjaro. Before that I was obese. In order to simply maintain my previous weight, I would have to limit myself to around 1350 calories a day. I failed to do that most days without medication, therefore I gained weight.

Yes, limiting myself to 1350 calories was incredibly challenging but you could argue that I chose not to do it. I guess I did as I couldn’t cope with the hunger that accompanied such a low intake.

It seems like she’s touched a nerve with you. I wouldn’t end a good friendship over it but it’s up to you.

Most fit, active, healthy people share this opinion. I don't understand why it would bother you unless you are overweight yourself abd you feel she is attacking you. Tbh I am overweight and it wouldn't bother me, I'd see it as good opportunity for a debate.

Do you feel she was subtly stabbing at you? If you think she was directing her comments indirectly to you I wouldn’t be happy either, unless I’d asked for advice or for her opinion. I’d feel a bit attacked otherwise.

“Hateful”? Nothing hateful in what she said. Are you overweight yourself and it’s hit a nerve?

”appalled” is a very strong reaction.

It's a ridiculous thing to say.

Its not a choice...it's a consequence. Why would anyone choose to be obese? And if it is a conscious choice, why are weight loss drugs so popular?

She is right for the most part. I have a few extra pounds and it is my fault. I can spin it that I work a lot, I am the only breadwinner, I can't find the time to go to the gym, that I have so many dependants that I don't even have the time to colour my hair, that I have to travel for work and stay in hotels and don't have the time to cook, that I don't have a regular sleeping pattern, etc. etc. but I know deep down that it is my fault for overeating.

Slim people always think this. For us of those who have been bigger they know this isnt the case. But if you have never had a problem controlling your weight this is exactly what they believe. They dont get the struggle.

But she’s right?! How is it not a choice in a majority of cases? I wake up every day and watch what I eat to stay slim.

She's pretty spot on really.

it is a choice. You are choosing to eat to much food

I’m not what you would call fat and my friend would definitely not say I am fat but I’m a few pounds heavier than I would like to be. Really struggling to lose the weight though and it’s definitely not a choice.

If that comment is so hurtful to me i can imagine how hurtful it would be to someone who is actually overweight.

Sorry, but no. I’m on medication which makes me prone to gain weight yet I have a healthy BMI. How? I eat very little, simple as that. Stop fooling yourself into believing it isn’t a choice - it is possible.

Food noise is hard to explain to people who don’t have it. Why does it bother you so much? Lots of people have opinions on food , exercise,education,where you live etc

Then how do weight loss drugs work then?

I wouldn’t end the friendship over this. It’s your choice though.

For context, I am fat...

I agree with your friend. Medical exceptions aside, the majority of fat people just eat too much. I've posted this anecdote before about a lunch with work colleagues where I was shocked how much the skinny women ate. More than I could ever manage of a huge fish and chips meal with bread etc but on a daily basis they're making better decisions.

I'm a size 20 and not 30 because I have my own standard of what is "too much" even though I know I eat more than what I should.

Facts aren’t hateful. Are you mad because you feel she was tactless? That’s a different story

Meh I got fat, I used mounjaro to get slim again, I see her point, yes it was impossible to do alone, but was it a choice, arguably yes, as I let myself get to that state, and yes she does have to wake up each day and make a conscious choice to be healthy and work out, we all do.

nothing hateful about it. I think your feelings on your own weight have you not thinking straight,

Hmmm…I (kind of) understand what you’re saying. However, I’ve been working with a PT (well 3 as my gym can’t keep hold of them 🤣) over the last year or so. I will maybe lose half a stone but the second I eat anything remotely not good for you (1 chocolate bar, 1 ice cream, 1 chippy tea - and I mean one of these choices per week not daily or all 3) I either lose nothing or gain. I wasn’t like this 10 years ago.

My current PT has said he’s now worried that the amount of calories that I need to either lose or simply not gain is too low to be sustainable for any length of time. I have an active job, walk my dog, do martial arts and go to the gym but nothing makes any difference unless I basically eat plain salad and chicken.

Any suggestions welcome!