AIBU to rethink a friendship after comments about weight being a choice?

[MyCherryPiee]

I met with a friend last night and she has said something which is can’t stop thinking about and is making me quite mad.

She said being fat is a choice most of the time. She agreed that in certain cases like PCOS and medical conditions it isn’t a choice but in most cases it is a choice.

Friend is very health conscious, fit and active. She is usually quite upfront with her words but not hateful with it. I’ve never witnessed her say anything like this before. I am just appalled at this thinking from a full grown woman.

AIBU to think the comment is more complicated than she says and also in thinking I don’t want to be friends anymore?

Of course it’s harder for some people but that applies to everything in life - some people can’t drive, some struggle with spelling, some aren’t financially literate - the list goes on and on.

But the fact that some people find it harder than others doesn’t take away from the fact that what we eat and the amounts we eat is ultimately down to us. Of course it sucks that some people can eat loads and not gain weight whereas for others it only takes a few biscuits extra, but that’s just part of life. There’ll be something that the slim person struggles with too.

Lots of things are harder now but we still have free will and a choice to do the things we do.

It's harder now to maintain a healthy weight than it was in the past.

I disagree with this. We have so much more knowledge about nutrition and exercise than people did in the past.

We also have a lot more healthy food choices. It's easier to cook nutritious meals at home, and even when eating out, many restaurants now offer healthier options and include calorie information on their menus which helps to make better choices.

There are more ways than ever to stay active. Doesn't have to be the gym or a sports club, we have free workout videos online, or health and fitness apps.

Of course, it all takes effort, but I don't think it's harder than it used to be. In many ways, we have far more support and more opportunities to live a healthy lifestyle these days.

What a miserable existence.

No it’s not, no one forces you to buy these foods, no one is addicted to chemicals that they are involuntarily buying these foods and eating them, we all have free choice on what we put in our mouths.

i really can’t grasp why people are still arguing it’s not a choice what they put in their mouths, i find it utterly bizzare,

i got fat, i used mounjaro to enable me to lose the weight, i use it to maintain. I know full well i made a series of bad choices that got me to gain, not just what i ate or how much, or the exercise I didn’t do, or I didn’t stop doing to before I became over weight,

i was not behaving in a trance, I didn’t have mental health issues, i was not addicted to chemicals, no entity took over my hands and mouth, made me zombie my way through the supermarket buying stuff I didn’t wish, made go home and eat it as I sat there weeping as I was being forced against my will.

i ate too much and I exercised too little for many complex reasons, a mix of health issues and stopping smoking. I got myself into a loop I couldn’t bring myself out of, but again, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a choice. It was. I was in control when I bought and consumed too much. Me. No one else. I did it rather than live with the hunger, deprivation, exhaustion etc,day in day out. but I still chose to do it.

as does everyone else who is overweight or obese. We need to take personal responsibility for our own actions. Not pretend it is a involuntary act where we sit weeping at the dinner table as we over eat.

Why is it miserable?

I’ve done both, and it really is pick your hard. Very few people love being overweight, look in the mirror with joy, feel the health impacts and feel over come with delight.

I get what you’re saying. However, I really think the reasons behind this need to be looked into. Why do some people gain weight so easily? Why can some eat whatever they want and not gain? There must be some hormonal/medical reason for it.

I don’t eat loads of ‘bad’ stuff on a normal diet. Just things like roast dinners, pasta bakes, chicken and rice. I’m now trying a low carb approach but as I said upthread; I’m not losing anything and my PT is almost at a loss as he thinks the calories I need to lose are looking like under 1000 per day and it isn’t healthy, sustainable or advisable to do that long term

We do have more knowledge now but our lifestyles are also much more sedentary. People drive everywhere or get everything delivered or work from home. I think it takes more effort nowadays to stay active as it’s no longer built into most people’s daily lives - you have to factor it in as an addition on top of everything else.

Of course it’s still a choice and loads of people could easily go for a walk or do a YouTube workout instead of watching TV of an evening but I do think it would be easier if you walked everywhere as standard and didn’t need to think about exercising as much.

Roast dinners and pasta bakes can easily be really calorific options though - I’m not saying yours are necessarily but I think society in general has lost sight of normal meals and normal portions. I include myself in that btw - I know I serve myself way bigger plates of food than my parents would have served themselves in the past 😂

I also don’t think it’s sensible to say that everything has to be caused by some kind of hormonal or medical issue - humans aren’t machines that can be explained away and fixed with medication - we’re all different and it’s always going to be the case that some of us can eat more than others without gaining weight.

Oddly enough, having a shower each morning and putting on size 8 jeans and a skinny top, then looking in a mirror and thinking ‘hey, I look great’ isn’t miserable at all. Having my annual blood check and getting results that say I’m not diabetic and my cholesterol levels are good isn’t miserable at all. Being able to run for a bus, pick up grandchildren, walk for miles with a backpack on a walking holiday and dance all evening at a wedding.- not miserable. Eating modest amounts of fresh food - not miserable. For many years, I could do none of those things, so I really know what I’m talking about.

A miserable existence is not being able to enjoy your later years because you’ve destroyed your body and your health. I’ve seen multiple people confined to their sofas and unable to even walk to the shops unaided because they’ve not bothered to look after themselves when they had the chance.

It was more miserable to be out of breath climbing stairs or a slight incline, to not want to see friends because I was embarrassed, to hide in clothes that were floaty and to dread summer each year knowing the heat made my struggles worse.
Now I choose diet and exercise I’m happy, really happy and content in my life and body

This has been studied, extensively it is calories in calories out. Those who proclaim to eat as they wish, do, but over the course of a week it is a lower calorie intake, for example they may have a burger and chips one day, but the next a very light calorie day, or they have very limited other cals the day they have the burger and chips. So they don’t gain.

those who try it, don’t do that, they simply consume a lot more cals over the week than the other person. Or they say they eat limited cals, when averaged over a week they consume enough to maintain their weight. Portion sizes, drinks, cooking fats etc.

there is differences in metabolic rates, but it is a very small difference. People always look for some mythical reason they gained weight, they think the person who eats what they wish eats all the time and big portions, it’s not true, it’s always cals in cals out, unless a medical condition that makes you retain fluid,

Honestly, I’ve tracked everything and only low carb (kind of) works for me. Though that seems to be losing its effectiveness now. 😢

I was first advised to eat lots of potatoes (?) as they’re very filling. But I lost nothing. I’ve been trying low carb for the last week, I used to see pretty instant results but nothing yet…I’d love the jabs/tablets but not sure if I’d be eligible as I have no other conditions, I’m just fat!

How physically active you? Because that will make a big difference.

Unless there is a medical reason ... then yes, she is correct.

You have agency over your body.
You choose what to put in it, and how much to exercise it.
Not sure how it can be anyone else's fault.

Oh my.
Do you really think that she doesnt know this?
Do you really think she hasnt seen professionals to get help?
The point is real life is much, much harder than 'oh just try harder' because peoples situations are complex.

2 issues:

1. when you’re right you’re right. We all know what food is healthy and unhealthy and that we should exercise. If we choose to eat unhealthy food we know what will happen. Now yes our food culture is awful, we’re bombarded with advertising and offers for cheap, unhealthy food. Some people have health conditions etc. But about two thirds of uk population is overweight or obese. I think most of those people are making bad food and lifestyle choices and know they are.
2. Ending a friendship because someone has a different opinion to you seems insane to me. I’m guessing you’re not that close with this person.

Presicribing guidelines are bmi 27 wirh health conditions or 30 without. However a couple of pharmacies do bmi 25.

I wouldn’t end the friendship, I would just accept a lot of people are ignorant on many things (such as the science of obesity.).

I would just nod and change the subject.

You will be eating more than you realise.

Your friend is correct and you have chosen to be offended.

She’s correct. Like any addiction is a choice.

It may not be as simple as just eating healthily, there are lots of variables such as financial situation and mental health but it is a choice.

I’m saying this as someone who was morbidly obese, bedbound and a size 24. I chose to put the family size bag of crisps in my mouth, I chose to eat the 1kg bar of chocolate and I chose to not do anything about it until I had no choice. Yes it’s an eating disorder, at least mine was (diagnosed) but you can say no.

Just want to add, I’m someone whose weight fluctuates, I go through phases. I have to admit in my head I become a lot more judgmental when losing weight because I’m denying myself things. If your “friend” is constantly denying herself various foods to maintain her physique I kind of get her judging others for not doing the same. But obviously she’s in a physical/mental/financial position to do that. And saying it out loud is never going to sound nice. (And I do always give myself an internal talking to when I judge others!)

She's kinda right tbf. All the people I know who claimed they couldn't lose weight despite exercising loads and eating like a sparrow now seem to be magically losing the weight on wegovy. I think most overweight people would manage for £5 million.