AIBU to rethink a friendship after comments about weight being a choice?

[MyCherryPiee]

I met with a friend last night and she has said something which is can’t stop thinking about and is making me quite mad.

She said being fat is a choice most of the time. She agreed that in certain cases like PCOS and medical conditions it isn’t a choice but in most cases it is a choice.

Friend is very health conscious, fit and active. She is usually quite upfront with her words but not hateful with it. I’ve never witnessed her say anything like this before. I am just appalled at this thinking from a full grown woman.

AIBU to think the comment is more complicated than she says and also in thinking I don’t want to be friends anymore?

What’s your BMI? Are you trying to be below a BMI of 25 or are you trying not to be obese? There’s a difference.

I do think for many overweight people it is a choice. If it genuinely isn’t down to medical issues or trauma then there’s an element of choice. I’ve got a BMI of 27 and it’s certainly a choice for me. I could be slimmer if I ate a bit less and I wouldn’t be hungry or depriving myself. I could also be a bit more active and that would make a difference. I’m working on it because I enjoy being that bit healthier and fitter.

It’s like saying it’s a choice to have children.

Yes being slim is a choice, but it’s a complicated choice. Some people have an easy path to achieve it, others have to work harder to achieve it and some people have the choice cruelly taken away.

OK it’s different in the sense that some people choose not to have children and nobody chooses to be obese.

I would argue back and explain how you feel. Perhaps hateful is a bit strong but she certainly sounds judgemental and ill-informed. There is loads of online content, books, Radio 4 programs etc, whatever she’s into, that discuss how weight is complex. I suppose people who don’t struggle don’t care.

Since the rise of WLI I’ve been amazed at all the nastiness on here about people who struggle with their weight. As a pp said, nobody would choose to be obese. Do all these thin people go to AA meetings and tell the people there to just have one drink?

Oh the irony, you have the same mentality about slim people that you’re accusing them of having about larger people.

Why are you assuming slim people don't struggle to stay slim? Or that they don’t have problems controlling their weight? That it’s not a conscious effort and daily grind? Just because they’re winning the battle, doesn’t mean it comes easy to all of them or that it’s not a struggle.

Some people will naturally be slim and have no problem maintaining but for others, it takes a lot of freaking hard work; not everyone enjoys losing sleep to make time for the gym or reaching for the cucumber even though they’re craving biscuits.

I have a medical condition and take several medications that make me gain weight including courses of prednisolone (if you know, you know) and in order to maintain a normal weight I have to go hungry, I have to wake up at 4am to go to the gym everyday even though I hate it and am constantly dog tired and often in physical pain (because of my medical condition) and I have to fight the food noise constantly and be conscious of every single thing I put in mouth and deny myself my constant cravings.

I hate this mentality that every slim person is slim without any hard work.

It’s like saying thinning hair, stretch marks, acne, varicose veins etc are all by choice.

Yes they can all be avoided (unless medical or genetic) but like with being overweight, it’s not that simple.

It’s concerning that as a PT she is not more knowledgeable about this.
But tbh I know loads of people who’ve done a PT course and so I do think it’s one of them courses that anyone can do.

I wouldn’t fall out with her over these comments but I find close minded people quite difficult to be around and so I would see how the friendship goes from now on.
As these are new comments, she could be becoming more difficult.

Im not sure how you’re getting that she doesn’t see overweight people as equal?

Im a bit overweight and definitely at the moment am choosing to eat what I want over choosing weight loss. At other times in my life I’ve chosen weight loss and lost weight. I’ve never been super slim, because it’s never been my priority in life - for some people it is and they really go for it like your friend. Sometimes I look at people like her and think ‘I wish I was that slim’ but then I think what I’d need to do to get it and I value all the other things that I prioritise. I can live with having a bmi of 26-28. If I get any higher I start not to feel good in my body so I work to change it.

You also said ‘food noise is real’ - of course it is, but doesn’t mean we don’t have free will to choose to ignore it. It’s definitely fair to say some people have more food noise than others and thus will need to work harder to fight it. But either they choose to do that or not. Saying it’s a choice doesn’t mean it’s easy.

But the op isnt over weight, she’s said she’s just a few pounds more than she’s like so 3-5 lbs.

So you’re choosing not to…

Obesity is a disease that takes away a person's ability to choose. Some are fortunate enough to be able to afford to treat the underlying disease, which then enables them to choose again. More can't and are still trapped in the thrall of it. Others look down their noses at them, judging them for being weak, and thinking they're better than them.

But we do choose to be obese, it is a series of bad choices that lead us there. It takes time. We don’t wake up obese one morning.

For the most part, she’s not wrong.

Most adults are in control of their weight - or not, as a result of their actions.

I think she's been tactless and its definitely not as easy as she thinks. But there is an element of truth in the choice bit. I was overweight, lost 50lbs. My lifestyle used to be: no exercise, drinking alcohol several times a week, eating whatever I fancied including take away at least once a week. Now, i am extremely active, no longer drink alcohol, eat mainly whole foods and pay attention to calories and prioritise protein, take away maybe once a week. I have to make active choices every day to maintain my weight loss and overall health. Do I always want to get to the gym or go for a long walk? No. Do I always want to consider the macros of the food I eat? No. But without this i know the weight will come on again and I would only have myself to blame

HOW is that hateful?

Maybe she would like to stay in bed and chill instead of exercising every day. Maybe she is making the effort of sticking to clean eating and not visiting the pastry section of her local cafe, maybe she is making the effort of saying no to "treat day". Maybe she is making the healthy food choice on holiday and not over-indulging on the buffet just because it's "there".

of course it's a choice.

She's acknowledging that she's making the effort, and she's not miraculously blessed with a fast metabolism or other nonsense.

Maybe it annoys you because deep down you know you can't be bothered to make the same effort and you resent her for stating the obvious?

Of course they would. The most I did it so why cant everyone else. People who gave up drink after binge drinking but not alcoholics are the most judgemental of alcoholics. Former smokers or people who vape can be the worst to smokers. People who have lost weight early tend to be very judgy to fat people

It is a choice unless there is a genuine medical cause for it, how on earth can it scientifically be explained otherwise?

Last time I checked (last week) it was 29. I genuinely don’t know how I could do more, other than restricting my calories to 1000 or under. My PT is now thinking the same.

I work 14 hours shifts and the problem is I’m often starving due to the physicality of the job and the fact that I’m awake for around 18/19 hours on those days so I’m hungry.

She's right.

As someone who needs to loose some weight I would say it often is a choice. In my case it is. I choose what I eat and often make the wrong choices. I do this through a lack of willpower but it’s still a choice. I can talk the talk about making different choices… but then still choose not to 🤷‍♀️

edited to add but I would never actually say that to an overweight friend as I think it would be unkind.

I would have to quit my job in order to work out as much as she does as she teaches fitness classes for a living, so I would hardly say that is a choice I am making.

sounds like you are eating wrong, rather than too much.

Macros are a lot more important than straight on calories number. Macros and consistency, and a plan over your entire week, including your work days.

That's why most people on "calories deficit' but without any real thought into it don't lose weight, or don't maintain. Because they are not on the calorie deficit they think they are, it's not consistent and maintainable.

I was overweight, because I chose to eat too much.
I'm now slim, because I choose to eat less.

It's not complicated.
I'm responsible for both conditions.

I also felt like her applause of the WLI was a bit counterintuitive of everything she stands for. As I mentioned previously she is a qualified fitness instructor and she is also a nutritionist. I would think someone with those qualifications would want to teach someone the tools in order to lead a healthy life and lose weight and not to rely on medication in order to do so. I think the fact that she supports them shows that she is just in favour of people not being fat, no matter how they lose the weight.

I didn’t say that to her though as I think all hell would have broke lose and she would have seen it as me criticising her professionally.

100% this.

Clearly this has hit a nerve, and yes she could perhaps have been more tactful, but I wouldn’t end a friendship over this.

Sit with it for a couple of weeks or a month and revisit how you feel would be my suggestion.

It is mostly a choice, though.

Most people could set their alarm 30min early to exercise. Everybody can decide that they won’t eat anything outside of meals / won’t buy any food or drink when out / will follow the meal plan they devised for the week.

Of course nobody sits down eating ice cream thinking « I’m choosing to be fat » but maybe they think « I’d rather eat this even if it makes me fat » - I have had this thought. It is still a choice, I once had a bite from a donut when supposed to be watching my weight, thought « what am I doing, this is full of oil », had a second bite and threw the rest away. Everybody can do it, it just depends how much they want the food vs how much they want to be thin. I’m not saying this with judgment, we all sometimes (often) choose the food.

She may just have a particular blind spot about weight because she is naturally thin and being sporty and fit comes naturally to her.

However, if you are rethinking the friendship perhaps it was the lack of nuance, rather than the topic that made you uncomfortable. I have ended friendships over some very black and white thinking, as that is simply not how I operate.

The black and white thinking became a trend over time (like they were ageing backwards!) and I just got a bit sick of it. I think it is important to be able to manage a single blind spot/the odd quirk and be able to continue friendships.