AIBU to rethink a friendship after comments about weight being a choice?

[MyCherryPiee]

I met with a friend last night and she has said something which is can’t stop thinking about and is making me quite mad.

She said being fat is a choice most of the time. She agreed that in certain cases like PCOS and medical conditions it isn’t a choice but in most cases it is a choice.

Friend is very health conscious, fit and active. She is usually quite upfront with her words but not hateful with it. I’ve never witnessed her say anything like this before. I am just appalled at this thinking from a full grown woman.

AIBU to think the comment is more complicated than she says and also in thinking I don’t want to be friends anymore?

You are hearing something you don't like and agree with.

This does not make it hateful.

Your wording says far more about you than her.

Why do you think fat people are just greedy people who gorge on takeaways and junk food? There are plenty of overweight people who eat healthily.

I for one have to get up and go to the gym multiple times a week and track every calorie I eat in order to look extremely average.

When I’m not tracking but still eating healthily my body settles at a stone heavier than my BMI would like, that’s when still eating healthy and working out. I don’t eat takeaway and junk food either.

I don't think I have a single friend that I don't disagree with about something fairly major. One supports surrogacy (we never discuss it), one thinks men can become women (we don't discuss it), and differing views on other political issues. One is a full on conspiracy theorist (we try not to discuss it!)

I would only end a friendship if the views uncovered were racist, really hateful or if I just didn't want to spend time with them any more.

I don't have especially strong views on obesity but I am pretty sure that if I asked all my friends, there would be quite a spectrum of views.

But for the most part, for most people, it is a choice - maybe a very difficult one, but a choice nevertheless. People can (but rarely do) choose to ignore food noise, choose to feel hungry for much of the time, choose to use what little free time they have to exercise etc. In the same way, an alcoholic can (but rarely does) choose to quit alcohol, or a smoker can (but rarely does) choose to stop smoking. As an ex-obese person, I chose to become more healthy. It sure as hell wasn’t easy - well before the days of WLI, and working a 65 hour-a-week job - but each day I chose NOT to snack, I chose to eat healthy salads, I chose to run on the spot while I watched TV. I now value the slim, toned healthy body I have because I chose to be like this, and it’s a choice I still make from day to day and with every meal.

It’s OK to choose not to change. If the OP is happy in her body, she’s welcome to choose to be that way. If she isn’t, then she needs to accept that making a choice to change isn’t going to be a quick or or easy one-off decision. It’s a choice you make every morning when you get up, every time you open a fridge or a cupboard, every time you go shopping, every time you got out for a drink or a meal, every time someone offers you a biscuit.

As for cutting off a friend for saying this - ridiculous!

Exactly.

Kinda get her point though. So many over weight people moan about their weight but do nothing about it

You sound jealous of your friend.

Ultimately we all have choices.
You make yours and she makes hers.

You can be friends and not agree on stuff.

I disagree that it’s hateful, and while yes, weight and body shape is complicated and nuanced in a lot of instances, it also is largely a choice for a lot of people. Unless you have an illness etc you make the choice to eat what you eat and exercise, or not. Your friend makes a choice each day to eat healthily and exercise, other people make the opposite choice.

As an overweight person, my body is a result of my choices. No one force fed me. Some people just find good choices harder than others. Still a choice though. Maybe i didn’t choose to be fat but I certainly chose to eat poorly.

How can it possibly to be hateful when it's true? People don't get fat from not eating enough.

I think it's really wrong and actually dangerous to pretend that people have no control over their weight and that saying anything else is 'hateful'.

Of course it's a choice.

I'm a size 18 now. 10 years ago I was a size 8. I'm far happier now than I was then. I now choose the pleasure of eating and drinking and sitting in the garden reading a book. 10 years ago I chose to calorie count and exercise fanatically because controlling my life was how I felt satisfied. Back then I thought how my body looked was more important than how I felt, now I don't.

Honestly it feels like you are the one who has a problem with size, not her. Nothing you've said she said implies that people who make the choice to be skinny are better people than those who make the choice to be rounded. The only judgement on whether being fat is bad seems to be coming from you.

Are you only friends with people who agree with you 100% about everything op

It was an ignorant twatty comment. But I’ve heard worse views.

It is true though. And I say that as a fat person, (although not as far as I was 2 years ago).

It's not one choice though, it's a million of them, every single day. Shall I have that biscuit, shall I go for a walk. Yes, food noise is a thing, but giving into it is a choice.

I spent the better part of a decade "trying" to lose weight, and instead getting slowly bigger. And then about 20 months ago I developed a black spot in my eyesight, along with a couple of other symptoms. Blood test at the docs, and yep, properly, scarily type 2 diabetic. Faced with the possibility of losing my eyesight, suddenly it was a lot easier to make different choices and I lost 40lbs in just over 3 months. No weight loss drugs, just choosing not to have that biscuit, not get a meal deal, go for that walk, only have 1 beer.

I've had normal blood sugar levels for a year now and I can feel myself slipping, it's getting harder to make the good choices when the consequences feel more distant.

So yes, some people have it harder than others. Some people have no trouble making the right choices, whereas some people find it almost impossible difficult.

It is, still, a choice though.

I think this sums it up.

My DH woke up this morning and chose to eat overnight oats with berries and to go for a 20 mile run.

I woke up this morning and chose to sit in the sofa in my pyjamas and eat cake for breakfast.

Both valid choices. As a result of his choices, he is very fit and slim. As a result of my choices, I’m not very fit and a bit fat. There’s nothing particularly complex driving our choices.

Maybe it was not worded well but I understand what she means. Might be better to say that being healthy weight is a - quite tough for many people - choice. You actively choose to eat healthily and do exercise, which is what makes you be at healthy weight. Obviously certain conditions aside, but she acknowledged that. I’m saying this as an overweight person. I might not ‘choose’ to be overweight, but I certainly don’t choose to be healthy weight either because I like my food too much to make that choice.

She said being fat is a choice most of the time. She agreed that in certain cases like PCOS and medical conditions it isn’t a choice but in most cases it is a choice.

She's bang on the money.

Nah she prefers to say it as she see's it.
If your fat and take offence whys that? Ignorance doesnt make it ok nor does the fact so many people are overweight and its not to be talked about.
Especially fat kids.

For some people its far more complex than. People who just decide to not at certain foods and can spend a lifetime of just using sheer willpower to avoid eating them have decent levels of the hormones Ghrelin and Leptin. They don’t even realise this they just think they have more willpower and discipline than obese people. For those people with low levels of these two massively important hormones they will spend an entire lifetime struggling against elevated hunger and food noises, throw in some life trauma and a low income and you have a recipe for obesity right there.

The vast majority of people who are overweight eat too much food. Maybe the eat healthily but have large portions and/ or graze between meals.

overeating costs, WLIs cost, people are free to choose how to spend their money

You can eat really but still eat too much.

Of course it is.

Being overweight is multi factorial too, it is not as simple as “putting too much food down your trap”.

Why are some conditions seen as a choice and some aren’t - even though most conditions are created by the choices that we make.

You think she's a liar and hateful? That's your jump to position as default. Ok. This needs highlighting and noting.

You don't think your friend cares about you and is concerned? You don't think she's offering advice from a position of experience?

That says anything awful lot about your mindset - it's negative overall and it's in a state of inaction because you don't want to even try. You have already decided she's wrong and you can't.

The elements of a state of denial about being in anyway responsible for yourself.

That is actually backing up her point about it being a choice! You won't be able to lose weight with that mindset. You have to be determined, committed and believe it's possible. And yes that ultimately does come down to a choice at some level.

If you are someone who has constantly moaned that you are overweight it's doubly true and if she is someone who has managed it, that will grate. It's the stuff of being an emotional drain.

Overall I think you either need to give the benefit of the doubt to your friends or ditch them. Regardless of the reasons why. And that applies to all your friends not just this one.

I didn't say I thought that at all

But people make decisions that have consequences. People who are overweight and eat healthily generally eat too much or don't take enough exercise. I'm one of them - the only reason my weight is under control is because I walk dogs for a living so cover 8+ miles a day on my feet. I'm under no illusions that if I worked in an office, I would need to drastically overhaul my diet.

I often choose to order a chippy tea because I can't be arsed to cook. That's a choice. Eating a bacon sandwich instead of just having a coffee when I meet a friend is a choice. Choosing to have chips with my sandwich at lunch instead of a salad (or nothing) is a choice.

Oh OP. You really gonna choose this hill to lose a friendship on?

Of course being fat is a choice for most people, it's not that they can't, it's that they will not change, it's no different to any other addiction. No judgment from me.

And it's absolutely okay, millions of fat people go on after losing weight to end up with a gym addiction - it's wired in some people, why do you think she wasn't ever fat? Why do you think shes wrong?

She said medical complications aside, it's a choice - she's not wrong ?