AIBU to rethink a friendship after comments about weight being a choice?

[MyCherryPiee]

I met with a friend last night and she has said something which is can’t stop thinking about and is making me quite mad.

She said being fat is a choice most of the time. She agreed that in certain cases like PCOS and medical conditions it isn’t a choice but in most cases it is a choice.

Friend is very health conscious, fit and active. She is usually quite upfront with her words but not hateful with it. I’ve never witnessed her say anything like this before. I am just appalled at this thinking from a full grown woman.

AIBU to think the comment is more complicated than she says and also in thinking I don’t want to be friends anymore?

It isn’t hateful. That’s hyperbolic and daft. By all means end the friendship, you’re choosing to be offended on behalf of other people so if that’s all it takes to stop you wanting to know her go for it.

Yup, snap, she didn’t get the answers she wanted so is now super egging the pudding to get it to turn her way, so immature.

But those people can take other actions to not be overweight and they are choosing not to.

I don’t think that’s a fair thing to say though because they’re so expensive and not accessible to everyone, so does that mean people who can’t use them are choosing to stay fat?
This doesn't make sense? Do you actually mean overweight people who could afford to buy the jabs but don't are therefore choosing to stay fat?

Anyway, I'm carrying too much weight and I know it's because I eat crap quite often and cba to exercise. That's on me 🤷‍♀️.

Sounds like she has an eating/exercise disorder and is projecting.

She's also factually wrong and I'd send her research papers to shut her up.
https://www.bristol.ac.uk/alspac/participants/discoveries/body-weight/

I’m not drip feeding, we hashed the conversation out for a long time as we disagreed. It wasn’t a flippant comment she made, I just summarised the overall comment she made “being fat is a choice” because that’s the worst thing she’s said.

I can’t post everything that was said as we were probably arguing for about half an hour about this.

Blimey it sounds like you are gagging to find anything she says offensive.

You should end this friendship for both your sakes. She has not said or done anything cruel or wrong but you are just nit picking now and it must be like walking on eggshells talking to you because you are deliberately looking for things to criticise and pick at. urgh

@MyCherryPiee I think that your friend can’t imagine what it would be like to wake up obese, morbidly obese even, and contemplate getting through the day and “choosing” to eat less. She’s walking up and is a healthy weight. It’s significantly easier to stay a healthy weight than it is to lose weight. The rate soo successful weight loss from obese to healthy, regardless of method used to lose weight, is remarkably low. It’s a tiny percentage of people that manage to lose weight and keep it off. So to say it’s a simple choice to stay fat is to massively underestimate the challenges facing someone in that position.

It’s disappointing that your friend seems to lack an understanding and empathy for people who are in a different position to her. Especially if her tone and manner of discussing those people is laced with judgement and dislike/contempt. Not surprising though, as weight is treated as a moral or superiority issue by many people in our society.

Food noise is just a new word for wanting to be eating nice things all the time

don’t we all

i have a friend who is always desperate to lose weight but also cannot give up wine/ice cream/takeaways otherwise “what is the point in life”

then she says it is not fair how we are the same height and age but I am not overweight. Unlike your friend I never say what I think 🤷‍♀️ but it takes a heck of a lot of not giving in to all my cravings all the time tbh If I ate what I liked I would have chips every day and milkshakes too 😋

but I only do this once a week as I know listening to the “food noise” and giving into that would ultimately not make me happier

but yeah she and I make different choices. She is probably a more fun person to be with than me though as being sensible about food and alcohol makes you quite a boring person 😅

being slim and fit in your fifties requires some tough choices. Some people do not have that choice due to medication, disability or illness and that is another reason why I would never state that being overweight is a simple choice. But that does not mean that for quite a lot of people it is

Were you complaining about your weight when she said it? As an unsolicited comment out of the blue it’s very rude and patronising. If you were saying for the nth time I wish I could shift some some weight but I just can’t etc then she might have a point.

But again, she’s right. People that take WLIs are choosing not to be fat. That doesn’t mean those that can’t access WLIs for whatever reason are choosing to be fat. One does not lead to the other.

I cant say I disagree with her! Obviously there are exceptions but mainly it is a choice. And I say that as an overweight person. I choose most days to eat crap and not exercise.

Ending the friendship seems a bit extreme

hmmm….. it’s up to you whether you ditch her or not. I don’t agree it’s a choice, otherwise virtually nobody would be overweight let alone obese. Who would choose to be obese?!

The UK is a obesogenic society, which is why we are on average fatter than many other countries.

We have very easy access to very calorific food such a takeaways, crisps and chocolate. We do not have a strong culinary culture, plus we have crap public transport and people hate cyclists so there is a lot of pressure to travel by car.

Could you adopt her food choices and exercise regime and see if that has an impact on your weight loss?

She is a PT so I think I would pass away 😂

Fair enough!

She also claims to have been overweight as a teenager but I didn’t know her then nor have ever seen any photos of her as a teenager so I’m sceptical of if she was actually over weight or just a bit heavier than she is now.

I don’t think anyone who understands what it was like to be overweight would deliver that the way she did.

No I wasn’t complaining about my weight when she said it. I can’t remember how it came into conversation

I’m overweight and agree with her to a large extent . I could choose to eat better. Yes it’s a mental struggle for me but I know that in the past I have been slimmer and I have had to actively choose every day to eat better and be slimmer so I’d more say it’s a choice to eat good and be slimmer rather than saying it’s a choice to be fat. Being overweight is more a decision not to be slim rather than an active decision to be overweight if that makes sense.

obviously this excludes medical conditions and doesn’t deny how difficult the mental hurdle is. I also have pcos but know if I put my mind to it I can lose weight

I'm overweight and I agree with her!!
I agree I'm not eating a slice of cake thinking I want to be overweight: what I am thinking though is I like the taste of the cake, I know I would be better off not eating it as it's very calorific but I want it. I made the choice to eat the cake, nobody force fed me it against my will.

Well what your friend said is factual, but she’s tactless. How good a friend is she really?

If I was in conversation with a friend who was overweight I’d be really careful about framing my thoughts on it, because I want to support them. I definitely wouldn’t want to make them feel the way you do.

For some people, making the ‘right’ choices are far more challenging too. Friends are there to listen and empathise. Not deliver judgement. If you’re having to work too many hours to make time for looking after yourself, for example, a good friend could empathise and help talk through with you how you might carve out a little more time on a regular basis.

I would be annoyed if a friend said that but I wouldn’t lose a friendship over it if we agreed on most other things. I’m overweight but I know that partly IS a choice as I don’t have any medical issues - just a love of unhealthy snacks and poor willpower.

I would think “ that’s rude” but there’s truth in it tbh.

While not knowing the ins and outs of your friend's life, this snippet suggests she's probably somewhat disordered on the topic of body size. It's common enough. That could also explain how her remarks managed to get under your skin so much - people whose lives are extremely focused on a certain issue tend to sound like irrational zealots.

On this issue alone, though, it seems a bit much to end the friendship unless her 'body as a temple' schtick is all she's got, in which case - yeah, she's boring and irritating!

Otherwise, perhaps see it as a regrettable flaw that you can overlook because of her more likeable qualities?

But, excluding any medical issues, it is a choice? Being obese and in the grip of a food addiction and the associated medical and social issues that come with it, is hard. Tackling that food addiction and losing weight, either via diet and exercise or with the addition of WLIs, is also hard. People choose their hard.

This particular subject aside, honestly I have friends and family who have different opinions to me on loads of topics, they’re allowed to think what they think, and I’m allowed my opinion too. This ranges from the unserious stuff, all the way to the typical things that inflame tensions, politics etc… if we ever get on to such topics, we share opinions and the conversation moves on.

I don’t see the need to surround myself with a homogeneous bunch of people, life would be so boring living in an echo chamber. How can your opinions evolve and change if they are never challenged.

On this particular topic, your friend does have a point, she might have carelessly stated it, but there are some fundamental truths there. I was a couple of stone overweight myself and it is true that I didn’t make it a priority to lose weight until I did, and that inaction can be perceived by others as a choice to stay overweight. That’s a valid opinion. If she has touched a nerve with what she has said, then tell her, she might be horrified she has upset you.

I've been overweight and would have delivered it the same.
Plus there's a huge difference between overweight and obese.
Being obese is 100% a choice, there are many more variables with being overweight. Bear in mind you could be 2 to 3 stone over healthy bmi and be overweight and not yet obese category.