AIBU to rethink a friendship after comments about weight being a choice?

[MyCherryPiee]

I met with a friend last night and she has said something which is can’t stop thinking about and is making me quite mad.

She said being fat is a choice most of the time. She agreed that in certain cases like PCOS and medical conditions it isn’t a choice but in most cases it is a choice.

Friend is very health conscious, fit and active. She is usually quite upfront with her words but not hateful with it. I’ve never witnessed her say anything like this before. I am just appalled at this thinking from a full grown woman.

AIBU to think the comment is more complicated than she says and also in thinking I don’t want to be friends anymore?

Yes it is a choice for the vast majority of us. For several years I was 13 stone and it got that way due to my love of sandwiches and chocolate. I am now 9.5 stone because I decided my arthritic knee needed some relief, and cut back on what I eat. It was my fault I was fat and a simple fact I would have agreed with if anyone mentioned it to me. We are far too quick to make excuses and fail to accept responsibility these days.

The weight isn’t the relevant point here.

It’s about how good friends support one another. They listen, they are kind, they are on your side. They don’t gloss over facts but they remain tactful.

Yes that sounds like a hormonal issue. I’ve read that shift work can play havoc with your hormones. It may be that the physicality of the job combined with lack of sleep on those days causes you to produce a lot of cortisol which affects the amount of appetite producing hormone ghrelin in your system.

Have you investigated how to balance your ghrelin? Do you eat a lot of protein rich foods for example and hydrate a lot?

It all sounds very frustrating for you.

So she said that, unless there's a medical issue, it's a choice. I can't see a single thing wrong with that - it is factually correct. Possibly slightly insensitive but nothing beyond that.

I think you probably need to work on your own self-esteem (and choices) before committing time to calling people 'hateful' for stating things that are fact.

Good for you.

Lots of women decide to embrace their shape and eat without limitation and that's their right. End of conversation.

No it’s not?! All those other conditions largely cannot be controlled by choice and are multi factorial. Putting too much food down your trap is a choice!

What on earth are you talking about, the drugs don’t melt the fat off, you need to make healthy choices and diet. She’s correct, you’re not.

She's right though. I have been underweight, healthy and overweight and it was always a choice on my part. I also have PCOS and sensory issues around food due to my autism but that doesn't mean I still wasn't making a choice to eat the things I did (or to not eat them).

it's a choice though.

Why do you think it's only a struggle if you give in? What makes you think that ALL slim and fit people don't struggle too, and that ALL fit and slim people are just naturally slim?

Someone who exercise regularly pushes through, you cannot imagine that they never feel unmotivated, tired, in pain, bored, or that they only wait for the day they are motivated to actually do something?

It's probably easier to think that the ones who succeed have to put no effort into it, but it is so not true. Many just make the choice and effort, every day.

I think this is a semantic argument about what we mean by "choosing" something.

At the end of the day OP, you are the one who heard her make the comments, and if they upset you sufficiently, of course you have the right to end the friendship - you can do so for any reason, or none.

She does sound smug, self-satisfied, judgemental and quite a simplistic thinker to me. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who enjoyed talking about how great they are for being slim, and deingrated bigger people.

(And I am fairly slim myself. It's not down to my moral superiority as a human being, just the metabolism and appetite I was born with).

She's right though. I'm a size 16. If I drank less wine, ate cleaner and exercised, I'd be a size 10. I know because I've done it.

In times of war or famine, there are NO fat people.

You're just contradicting yourself now.

Of course it’s a choice! That being said the relative ease at which you can achieve and maintain a healthy weight is not a level playing field, so direct comparisons are often unhelpful.

If choice wasn’t a huge factor though, you wouldn’t see cultures like Japan where the social pressure/shame associated with being overweight be successful.

French food as well for example they are some culinary heavy hitters and have some phenomenally rich food, BUT the culture there is way smaller portion sizes. As a result fewer fatter people.

Now I wouldn’t want to go so far as being mean or casting shame about it, but I do worry in the rush to be pathologically nice all the time leads us to enabling behaviour that exacerbates the problem. Given obesity related diseases are a huge strain on the NHS, we all have a direct interest in one another’s health. I think we can be empathetic about it and support one another towards healthier choices.

It's not hateful at all. It's just clearly touched a nerve.

Is this reverse? Of course it’s a choice to be fat. Nobody is injecting you with calories while you sleep….

What are you talking about, you said the op was overweight, so the friend should have been more sensitive, now I’ve pointed out thays not correct you’ve reverted to well it doesn’t matter?

Most slim people work hard to control their weight, especially as they get older. it’s a myth to think they don’t.

would I like to have had a bacon sandwich for breakfast this morning - yes.

Did I have yogurt and berries instead - yes.

do I want to go to the gym after lunch - no.

will I? - yes

Because no one would choose to be fat. It’s worse from a health perspective, you’re treated more poorly by society etc etc.

Not necessarily. As I understand it many people start with WLIs as they help to lose the weight initially so that exercise becomes easier. It also makes it possible to start with healthier nutrition and break cravings. For instance if I haven’t had chocolate for a while I don’t crave it half as much as when I’m eating it regularly.

But it is a choice not to exercise, to eat the takeaways and the junk food, to go with a bacon sandwich over yoghurt, etc.

People may not actively wake up thinking "I want to be fat" but they do actively make decisions that lead to them being overweight (and I do the same, so no judgement here).

Whether she's right or wrong she should keep her opinions to herself.
If she said that to someone who was breaking their back to lose the weight and still struggling they would sink even further into the gutter than they are already. More so if they are perimenopausal with all the hormones flying around. It can make people feel really low about themselves.

they are at best trying to deny the consequences.

It's a choice to stay in bed in the morning instead of going to the gym, and it's a choice to slump on the sofa in the evening instead of going to an exercise class.

It's a choice to buy and eat convenience food, instead of meal planning and prepping to stick to your macros.

I'ts a choice to eat a bag of crisps.

Of course it's a choice.

She's right though (and i'm fat) even after a gastric bypass!

Of course its not quite that simplistic or nobody would be fat but for the most part she's right.

and your just feeling sensitive about the extra few pounds you feel you are carrying.

your friend is right though.
If you chose to overeat you will be overweight.

Reverse for what?

It really isn’t as simple as just shut your mouth though is it. Most people don’t chose to be obese and most people don’t want to be obese.