AIBU to rethink a friendship after comments about weight being a choice?

[MyCherryPiee]

I met with a friend last night and she has said something which is can’t stop thinking about and is making me quite mad.

She said being fat is a choice most of the time. She agreed that in certain cases like PCOS and medical conditions it isn’t a choice but in most cases it is a choice.

Friend is very health conscious, fit and active. She is usually quite upfront with her words but not hateful with it. I’ve never witnessed her say anything like this before. I am just appalled at this thinking from a full grown woman.

AIBU to think the comment is more complicated than she says and also in thinking I don’t want to be friends anymore?

Yes obviously medical conditions aside, people are fat because they eat too much. We all know this.

But the question is why do some people eat so much and find it so difficult to control when others don't. If they are just fundamentally greedy, then why do wli work?

But it mainly is a choice? Outside of medical conditions and complex factors that go with social deprivation. As an adult, you choose what goes in your mouth every day and you understand the consequences.

Well it’s not though is it, and you’re not over weight. You say you’re a few pounds, a few means 3-5. Sorry you can’t lose it, but I’ve no idea why you’re seeing your arse in case others are offended, sounded like you wanted to sound the righteous klaxon and misjudged/

But it’s not true. Lots of overweight people want to lose weight but they can’t. Food noise is real. People spend years trying to lose weight but it’s impossible to them, they aren’t choosing to be that size.

We got onto the topic of weight loss injections and she said she she’s happy for people who are using them because they are making the choice to do something about it. I don’t think that’s a fair thing to say though because they’re so expensive and not accessible to everyone, so does that mean people who can’t use them are choosing to stay fat?

I’m used to people having differing opinions to me but this is hardly the same as people thinking we should use our tax money in a different way. The delivery of it seems quite hateful, and also she isn’t fat.

Clearly it’s not just greed, I don’t think the friend said that.

Oh Lordy, you’ve some issues op.

She’s acknowledged medical conditions can make it easier to put on weight and harder to lose weight. For most other people, it is largely a choice - dieting, exercising and losing weight is hard, nobody finds it fun, but not doing something because it sucks is still a choice. I’ve put on a bit of weight recently because I’ve been eating and drinking too much, haven’t been doing as much running, and haven’t been bothered about addressing that. It’s not hateful, it’s just objectively the truth.

Being hurtful doesn’t make it hateful or untrue though.

How is it hateful? As someone in the process of losing weight, I would say not doing anything about your weight is MUCH easier than staying fit and slim. It is an everyday work. This is what she is obviously referring to. For me, it was definitely a choice. I chose to lose weight and I'm doing it now; or I could have chosen to stay obese and do nothing.

However, putting weight on was not my choice, it happened gradually through age/ hormones/ stress. I agree that no one choses to get fat (well, apart from a small group of fetishists maybe). But losing weight is definitely a choice, especially now WLIs are available, as well as hundreds other options.

This thread shows there’s just a huge lack of understanding about obesity… no body chooses to be obese (or for that matter overweight at all) ffs. What does the friendship bring to your life?

Well, for many people, I think it is a choice. Not for all, but for many.

I have a twin sister - she's very slim, and I'm obese. We're non identical, and she does have a different body type to me. When I was younger I used to think that she was naturally slim because of her body type, whereas I was naturally bigger. And there is an element of that of course, not matter what I do, I will never be as slim as her.

BUT, she eats so much more healthily than I do, makes a conscious decision not to eat a second biscuit etc (whereas I could happily eat the entire pack!), and she exercises more than me. So she is making a choice, and I am a different choice.

I do accept that it's a bit more complicated than that, but at the end of the day, I am choosing to be overweight.

No one chooses to get obese. But you can chose to lose weight, or at least try.

So you have decided to put on weight and purposefully tried to do that then? Or do you just have other life shit going on which has led you to put on weight? If the latter then no you haven't actively decided you want to put weight on.

But people choose not to tackle it.

Said by a person who was obese for many years and chose not to tackle it properly.

Dieting has an extremely high failure rate, so even if you’re losing weight now you’re very unlikely to maintain the loss long term unless you’re using WLIs.

Having been morbidly obese at a size 24 and slim at a size 10 I can confirm it is a choice.
That's not to say losing weight is easy. It absolutely isn’t. It’s hard. Being hungry is hard. Dieting is hard. Eating well, with the food options available is hard. But it is a choice.
Currently I am overweight, size 14. And I’m trying to lose it but it’s a struggle. Equally I am choosing to eat crisps and take aways. I choose unhealthy options sometimes. I choose not to sit with my hunger and to eat when I know it’s going over my calories. It’s all a choice. She is correct.
I wouldn’t end a friendship over someone speaking the truth. However uncomfortable it makes you

I said to her that most people don’t even realise how big they are until they see a photo of themselves or until after they’ve lost weight. I also said did she really think that people are eating and thinking hell yes I want to be overweight.

She said no of course not but people need to take accountability for themselves and if they want to lose weight then chose not to eat so much. She said every day they are choosing to remain fat if they aren’t doing something to help themselves.

It just seems an issue she doesn’t understand and like she doesn’t see overweight people as equal?

No, I’ve decided that I’m going to enjoy the summer and accept all the social invitations involving nice food and wine I’ve been getting, and worry about it later because right now it’s more fun than watching my diet as I usually do. It’s too hot to run outdoors and I don’t like using the treadmill at the gym. What’s the point in me pretending it’s a big complicated situation when it simply isn’t?

We do now live in a world where we have an effective treatment (WLIs) but that’s pretty new. It’s very unusual without medication to be able to successfully “tackle” obesity.

I'm fat. I know when I choose to eat a cake (for example) that I am choosing to eat food that I enjoy over being slim. Yes, I also have urges to eat the cake ("food noise") which makes it hard to resist but basically I am still making a choice. Some choices are hard. Particularly if it's breaking long term habits. That doesn't mean they aren't choices.

I wouldn't be offended by your friend's remarks. I would simply point out that some choices are harder than others.

I feel things are being drip fed now the OP hasn't had resounding replies of how mean her friend is.
Now you're saying she doesn't see overweight people as equal. Where's that come from??

Loving the way the op keeps drip feeding in what the friend said as the thread hasn’t gone her way 😂

for me there is no doubt I made a series of bad choices that made me become fat. No way round it, and yes personal accountability is key.

don’t be sitting getting offended on behalf of fat people when you’re not even over weight.

your friend has a valid opinion, it’s fine to have a different one. Be a grown up.

I am dieting, using WLIs and exercising. Its bloody hard work and the weight is coming off slowly. I previously dieted for years so I know what I'm talking about, believe me.

We got onto this conversation as she cited WLI as a way people chose not to be fat but the threshold to get them on the NHS is so high and many people cannot afford them. That doesn’t mean people who can’t access them are choosing to remain fat.

But she’s broadly right. It’s a choice to eat too much, or not exercise.

yea those choices can be hard to make for some people for a lot of reasons, but ultimately it is a choice to take the actions that result in being overweight, and to not take the actions to not be.

some people are really sensitive about this but it doesn’t stop it being true