Autism vs trans - clashing views

[sunshine244]

I'm in a tricky position with my AuDHD 12 year old. There is a trans boy in their class who recently started using a new name and pronouns he/him.

My son is very black and white thinking and very scientific. He is a bit grumpy at having to learn a new name as he struggles when e.g. teachers or family/friends get married and change name. But he has accepted that pretty quickly. But he flat out refuses to use the new pronouns as he says a girl can't just decide to be a boy unless they have surgery (which at this age of course isn't going to happen).

I sympathise with his as personally I don't think social transitioning this young is sensible. But I am also aware that the child's parents are very pushy about the situation and have already posted in the parents group about children bullying by not using the right pronouns/name. They got a lot of support from other parents.

I suppose my aibu is should i be forcing my son to use the child's preferred pronouns?

Yabu - I need to push my son to use preferred he/him pronouns

Yanbu - let child decide which pronouns to use or try to avoid pronouns

Yes, I’ve already said that in my personal experience, every trans person I know is also autistic.

😂 Get over yourself.

So then you should be able to also see what a nonsense it is and that it’s also a co-opted space.

Nonsense it may be, but it’s no skin off my nose to use people’s preferred names or pronouns. It’s nice to be nice.

The link between pre teens and teens who have a diagnosis of autism and connect to the trans community is huge. The child in question may also have autism.
I would explain it to DS in an age appropriate way.

We all need to be respectful and kind. That means absolutely never colluding in the coercive bullying of any child to attempt to force them to lie, twist reality and accept being gaslit in order to participate in someone else's fantasy.

To return to the OPs question, of course it would be very wrong to disrespectfully confuse, distress and harass your son by forcing him to comply with fantasy participation demands.

Best to attempt to completely avoid these toxic people and only refer to the other child by name when forced to address them at all. The parents will increase the coercion and bullying if they sniff out dissent from the party line and unfortunately, you can't help the child.

It's horrifyingly disrespectful and quite vile to support the coercive bullying of a child to reject reality, lie and be forced to participate in a fantasy - as you are.

Quite the opposite of nice.

You're entitled to participate in the fantasy as you wish and nobody suggested otherwise.

I’m not suggesting that anyone should ever be unkind.

That’s the world we live in, like it or lump it, we’ve allowed it get out of control, we’ve allowed the movement infiltrate vulnerable children, DD has a group of friends who have gender identity issues, they’re all on the spectrum, they grew up feeling like misfits before the trans movement convinced them they were feeling this way as they were in the wrong body, the child in this situation is to be pitied as the adults in society allowed this happen, it’s not about bullying another child into lying, that’s literally the tip of a very big iceberg, one that adults in society has pushed on children.

No, it's not. Children are rejecting the delusional en masse, society too, you're seeing a few loud bullies demanding compliance, most disagree, walk away and avoid. The damaging fantasy participation is on its last legs.

But as the parents are toxic and dangerous I've suggested avoiding them all and only using the child's name to avoid harming her own son by forcing him to lie and participate in the fantasy.

The reality is the coercive bullying parents would not win any legal challenge and OP would. But it would take its toll, so best to simply avoid the toxic parents and avoid forcing her son to lie about reality.

Maybe more recently they are rejecting it but the damage is done and won’t be undone for a long time.

However, it's fine to simply avoid them and not be forced to participate in the fantasy. Most people now do.

In ten years time it will be completely over.

He can hold a private view about trans issues and still use the preferred pronouns.

isn’t this a bit like saying a Muslim can hold their private views about pork but must still eat it?

I have two asd sons. You need to simply state the person has changed their pronouns based on their brain and what they feel on the inside. Say their body doesnt match their outside parts.

for some things I just tell my son its a rule. We live in a reciprocal, social society and he has to make attenpts to understand and respect otgers. He doesnt need to agree thats not relevant it just is. The same goes for sexism, racism, agism. There are certain topics I have told my son just are and have to be accepted based on rules.

It's not really nice though. Probably better for the classmate to accept early on that some people won't see her as male or use male pronouns and be fine with that, than live in a bubble of affirmation, and be shocked and hurt by "misgendering" later in life.
The more people there are who prop up the lie not wanting to be the "unkind" one, the more it will hurt when it comes crashing down.

My DHs niece is now a trans man. I like this person but I cannot say he, I use their name.
This might be difficult for an autistic 12 year old to do though.

I do also some times slip up and say she. I am human. The person doesn’t mind and understands.

Best to attempt to completely avoid these toxic people and only refer to the other child by name when forced to address them at all. The parents will increase the coercion and bullying if they sniff out dissent from the party line and unfortunately, you can't help the child.

This is the best solution; tell him to avoid her, don’t talk up her, don’t talk about her. I’d be concerned if my AuDHD child was to spend much time with her anyway, with the link between autism and trans, it spreads as a response to feeling different.

Stand up for him, he's absolutely right. This is how it all started with my AuDHD DS about 7 or 8 years ago too. Within a couple of years he was identifying as trans himself. This week we found out he's taking opposite-sex hormones. I thoroughly hate this cult.

theparadoxinstitute.org/articles/harms-of-cross-sex-hormones

It’s quite concerning the number of adults who are determined on forcing a child using coercive control into lying about reality.
the be kind movement are terrifying really.

No it doesn’t, don’t be ridiculous.

I’m the mother of 3 AuDHD children with AuDHD nephews and nieces. Op I would work hard at helping your son to be polite and kind in his difference of opinions. It’s an important skill he will need to learn which can be difficult for teens with AuDHD ie bluntness can lead to trouble and social isolation.

I might be an outlier here. I am not pro trans and am very against trsnsitioning under age and in most cases in afulthood but is it going to hurt to call someone by their prefered Christian name?
Pronouns is tricky.
Your don should decide for himself but steel him for any backlash.

Utter tripe and horrifyingly harmful.

Ignore this post of course OP.

Explain that the child is attention seeking with abusive parents that nobody has ever changed sex in all history, that there's no way to feel like a boy or girl because we are our bodies and whatever sex you're born however you feel is normal for that sex. Explain that the child can fantasise as they wish but that your son definitely doesn't have to be abusively forced into to participating in the fantasy. Then stay well, well away from these toxic people.

We're nearly at the end of the latest societal madness, history is filled with similar societal mass insanity - see The Glass King, lobotomies, "Satanist" moral panics and repressed memory popularity. The internet has prolonged this particular bizarre fad, but just keep him away from the gendered soul transologists for a few more years and forcing people to adhere to fantasy language or be abused will be back to a dark fantasy corner, where it belongs.

You are promoting the coercive abuse of Ops child. No, of course the answer is not to coercively bully children into participating in fantasies and gaslighting them by forcing them to lie and pretend reality doesn't exist.