Page 14 | Autism vs trans - clashing views

sunshine244 · 2026-07-18T18:52:39+00:00

I'm in a tricky position with my AuDHD 12 year old. There is a trans boy in their class who recently started using a new name and pronouns he/him. My son is very black and white thinking and very scientific. He is a bit grumpy at having to learn a new name as he struggles when e.g. teachers or family/friends get married and change name. But he has accepted that pretty quickly. But he flat out refuses to use the new pronouns as he says a girl can't just decide to be a boy unless they have surgery (which at this age of course isn't going to happen). I sympathise with his as personally I don't think social transitioning this young is sensible. But I am also aware that the child's parents are very pushy about the situation and have already posted in the parents group about children bullying by not using the right pronouns/name. They got a lot of support from other parents. I suppose my aibu is should i be forcing my son to use the child's preferred pronouns? Yabu - I need to push my son to use preferred he/him pronouns Yanbu - let child decide which pronouns to use or try to avoid pronouns

ToCatchACat · 20/07/2026 08:02

HannahSqan · 19/07/2026 05:43

I have two asd sons. You need to simply state the person has changed their pronouns based on their brain and what they feel on the inside. Say their body doesnt match their outside parts.

for some things I just tell my son its a rule. We live in a reciprocal, social society and he has to make attenpts to understand and respect otgers. He doesnt need to agree thats not relevant it just is. The same goes for sexism, racism, agism. There are certain topics I have told my son just are and have to be accepted based on rules.

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100% disagree with this advice.

I'm also mum to ASD / ADHDboys and would be very wary to conflating the feeling of not fitting in with a very dangerous trans movement that could destroy my boys physical and mental health if they were to get sacked into the rhetoric there.

The statistics for ASD individuals who have latched on to Trans identity as an answer to why they don't feel like other boys / girls is absolutely horrifying. In OP's shoes I would not be sugar coating or trying to make Trans issues appear innocuous to my child.

Social transitioning in schools is no longer recommended for a reason. It impacts on everyone to have to play along with one child's fantasy.

peaceatnight · 20/07/2026 08:22

Stompythedinosaur · 19/07/2026 16:06

I think most parents encourage their dc to be kind to everyone, don't they? Regardless of your beliefs, we're talking about kids here!

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I was replying to a teacher I believe.

Regardless, this trans movement has certainly not taught kindness to those who do not comply. There have been, and I have met, school children and Uni young adults, who have been horribly socially ostracized for not believing in trans ideology. You think you can politely disagree and there can be live and let live, till you try and realise you can’t. The trans movement is not kind. It’s extremely authoritarian and it believes it has the right to enforce through punishing non-compilers. It’s clear from OP the parents think this and this is attitude they will have passed on to their daughter.

What a cruel movement this is. Encouraging their parents to think their child will die if not constantly affirmed by everyone, encouraging children to think this too and punishing everyone else.

MsGreying · 20/07/2026 09:51

Change schools?

Or is that a bit extreme.

He's right. Humans can't change sex.

ScrollingLeaves · 20/07/2026 10:14

CornishDaughteroftheDawn · 19/07/2026 20:20

Obviously your first sentence has been corrected by others and I’m glad that you understand.

Do you think it is kind to instruct an autistic child to use words they know to be incorrect when you know they will struggle with that?

Do you think it is kind, as an adult, to agree that a young girl is ‘really a boy’ and to instruct a whole school to acquiesce to her parents unreasonable demands?

Making that kind of a whole school announcement means that girl will now find it extremely difficult to back away from this decision made as such a young child. Feelings change so much over a short period for children, especially through the hormonal turmoil of puberty.

If there is no adult encouragement or affirmation, the cast majority of kids with these feelings will grow out of them as they progress through puberty.

That is the best case scenario now, that she will have to make a difficult and hugely embarrassing announcement that she isn’t ’really a boy’ (I have seen exactly this scenario with DDs friend, she had the name change and announcements but is now mortified about the whole thing as she looks back at her reaction to a difficult time through puberty).

The worst case scenario is that she believes the lie by trusted adults that she is really a boy and will need to modify her body to ‘be her true self’. This body modification would involve amputating her breasts (can be done privately from 18) and taking large doses of testosterone (also available privately) which will harm her health in a number of ways. She is quite likely to suffer vaginal and uterine atrophy with long term use which will cause chronic pain, infertility and require further surgery. She is also very likely to wear a binder which will deform her breast tissue and ribcage.

All because the adults in her life won’t tell her the truth, that she will always be a girl and the safest, most effective solution to her current distress at being a girl is to learn to accept it and the feelings will almost certainly pass and she will be ok.

None of this is kind to children.

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Do you think it is kind, as an adult, to agree that a young girl is ‘really a boy’ and to instruct a whole school to acquiesce to her parents unreasonable demands?

It is actually cruel to that child (as well as the other children in the school). Affirming a child as the opposite sex means they will be very likely to go on to a trajectory leading to cross-sex medicalisation and possibly surgery when, other wise, they would most likely have desisted as they grew up and got past puberty. Meanwhile they give an example for other vulnerable children to follow.

ScrollingLeaves · 20/07/2026 10:15

Sorry @CornishDaughteroftheDawn I should have made clear I completely agree with you.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 21/07/2026 19:56

Good point @peaceatnight the whole thing is very black and white, there is no room for disagreement or discussion. Personally I don't have a huge issue in how people identify but I feel strongly about protecting women's spaces. It's not something however I tend to bring up. My sister however started ranting at my kids about how JKR was a horrible disgusting person and I tried to discuss it with her and she absolutely shut it down. I don't think she should be saying this to a pre teen HP fan, she was somehow triggered by his HP sun hat. Another time my dad made a Fr Ted reference and we got the same angry rant about Graham Linehan. I'm almost afraid to talk to her about anything anymore. We all know singers or movie stars who have political or moral views we disagree with but we dont go around having a go at people who admire them. My sis and I are both heterosexual middle aged married women. We've often had different views but never have I seen her so dogmatic and nasty until the trans movement.

ThisWiseRobin · 24/07/2026 14:23

Your son is my hero. He sees more truth and less bull* than adults.
I love him

ThisWiseRobin · 24/07/2026 14:25

Dontlletmedownbruce · 21/07/2026 19:56

Good point @peaceatnight the whole thing is very black and white, there is no room for disagreement or discussion. Personally I don't have a huge issue in how people identify but I feel strongly about protecting women's spaces. It's not something however I tend to bring up. My sister however started ranting at my kids about how JKR was a horrible disgusting person and I tried to discuss it with her and she absolutely shut it down. I don't think she should be saying this to a pre teen HP fan, she was somehow triggered by his HP sun hat. Another time my dad made a Fr Ted reference and we got the same angry rant about Graham Linehan. I'm almost afraid to talk to her about anything anymore. We all know singers or movie stars who have political or moral views we disagree with but we dont go around having a go at people who admire them. My sis and I are both heterosexual middle aged married women. We've often had different views but never have I seen her so dogmatic and nasty until the trans movement.

Your sister is a bit nuts. Give her a wide berth.

Leafstamp · 24/07/2026 22:42

Dontlletmedownbruce · 21/07/2026 19:56

Good point @peaceatnight the whole thing is very black and white, there is no room for disagreement or discussion. Personally I don't have a huge issue in how people identify but I feel strongly about protecting women's spaces. It's not something however I tend to bring up. My sister however started ranting at my kids about how JKR was a horrible disgusting person and I tried to discuss it with her and she absolutely shut it down. I don't think she should be saying this to a pre teen HP fan, she was somehow triggered by his HP sun hat. Another time my dad made a Fr Ted reference and we got the same angry rant about Graham Linehan. I'm almost afraid to talk to her about anything anymore. We all know singers or movie stars who have political or moral views we disagree with but we dont go around having a go at people who admire them. My sis and I are both heterosexual middle aged married women. We've often had different views but never have I seen her so dogmatic and nasty until the trans movement.

Wow, that’s quite extreme behaviour from your sister. But this type of thing does seem to be hallmark of the movement. It’s cult like IMO.