Autism vs trans - clashing views

[sunshine244]

I'm in a tricky position with my AuDHD 12 year old. There is a trans boy in their class who recently started using a new name and pronouns he/him.

My son is very black and white thinking and very scientific. He is a bit grumpy at having to learn a new name as he struggles when e.g. teachers or family/friends get married and change name. But he has accepted that pretty quickly. But he flat out refuses to use the new pronouns as he says a girl can't just decide to be a boy unless they have surgery (which at this age of course isn't going to happen).

I sympathise with his as personally I don't think social transitioning this young is sensible. But I am also aware that the child's parents are very pushy about the situation and have already posted in the parents group about children bullying by not using the right pronouns/name. They got a lot of support from other parents.

I suppose my aibu is should i be forcing my son to use the child's preferred pronouns?

Yabu - I need to push my son to use preferred he/him pronouns

Yanbu - let child decide which pronouns to use or try to avoid pronouns

I get that, my own son is autistic and would have felt the same when he was still at school. However the world is full of contradictions and nuances and people with very rigid and linear thinking just have to learn to accept it and behave accordingly.

It's a reasonable adjustment for an autistic child not to be forced to lie.

Well he is right, isn’t he? People can’t change sex. We’ve all been brainwashed to believe otherwise but luckily the Supreme Court clarified that, no people can’t change sex.

It’ll be expected by the school if they’ve authorised it and your DS will probably get into trouble for calling them by their dead name.
It’s crazy but adults have been sacked for refusing to do it.

Yes i think it is all nonsense personally but i also think people should have the right to be addressed the way they chose

If somone is called Pollyanna and wants to be called Polly or even Anna why is that different for being called she or he even if they are the opposite

Same with Mrs or Ms or Miss isnt it up to the person what they chose?

There are no nuances when it comes to what sex you were born. There are some people who are genuinely transsexual but that space has been co-opted by a much larger group of people who don’t genuinely have gender dysphoria but want to ‘identify’ as some nonsensical thing that we all have to pretend we can see like the Emporer’s new clothes.

And I think what has happened in the case of girls who want to become boys is that usually they are struggling with some other issue which seems easy to fix by being someone else.

He shouldn’t need to use pronouns that often. Does he even much to do with this child? He may not even have to use the new name often either.

How does he even know about surgery to change sexual characteristics at 12 years old?

Her son is right and not being coercively bullied into participating in a fantasy is perfectly correct, right and respectful.

But attempting to coercively bully people into denying reality to play along with a fantasy is gaslighting and abusive. HTH

I disagree. It is not a reasonable adjustment at all. Reasonable adjustment does not exist so that disabled people can upset others when it suits them.

in my experience, everyone I know personally who calls themselves trans is also quite obviously autistic, whether or not they have a diagnosis. So if you want to use reasonable adjustment as an excuse to offend someone, it has to work both ways.

WHy is it fine for the OP's son to be upset? Does he not matter?

You must, and I mean MUST address me as your Majesty my sovereign Queen at all times. That is my right. I expect you to reply starting with Your Majesty my sovereign Queen. Do not deviate from this. As your sovereign Queen this is my absolute right.

Yes, it's the same.

The child can indeed choose a new name. But they can't choose a new reality or gaslight, bully and coerce another child into pretending reality isn't real, nor do they get to alter language and demand incorrect descriptors of others.

Best thing for OPs son to do is avoid these toxic bullies entirely and when forced only refer to the other child by name, as otherwise they'll escalate the bullying and coercive behaviour.

There is no ‘coercive bullying going on. Don’t be daft. The OPs son has the perfectly acceptable option of avoiding contact with this person and can choose not to talk about them.

Not just upset, coercively bullied, gaslit and forced into participating in a fantasy.

It ia none of the ops sons business what others are called that ia for them to decide, if he is introduced to a new person and is told how to address them he needs to follow that

But this is not a new person. He has been calling this girl by her name, and is suddenly being told to lie about it.

Indeed. It's horrifyingly disrespectful, cruel and coercive bullying to try to force a child with a disability to lie and insist they participate in a fantasy.

If the person was called Roger and suddenly wanted to be called Andrew for whatever bizarre reason that ia up to that person it ia their business no one elses

I don’t know that at all. If anything, you trying to tell me that I know something that I completely disagree with is coercive bullying. But in reality, that would just be more dramatic nonsense.

I don’t like the trans movement or the insistence that people can choose their sex any more than you do tbh, but it’s the way the world is going now and I don’t believe autism is an excuse to upset other people who clearly have their own issues and difficulties with life.

Why because how somone wants to be addressed is saying it is only their business no one elses?

I have been called worse so carry on

It should give you some context to the whole sorry situation that so many ‘trans’ people are also autistic.

Autistic people struggle to fit in and feel they don’t belong so becoming someone else is a temporary fix.

It is indeed coercive to expect someone to lie about what they know to be true and can see with their own eyes.

And no child is trans in the first place.