To feel upset by MILs message about separation

[Havealittlepatienc3]

I separated from DH 2 weeks ago, after 14 years together with 1 DD aged 4.

We got together when we were 18 and gradually grew apart, we parented well together but the intimacy had gone - we hadn’t had sex in almost 2 years (not for my lack of trying), we had tried marriage counselling etc but the crux of it was I couldn’t do it anymore. There were other issues, nothing inherently ‘bad’, but bad enough that I just couldn’t waste any more time in that marriage, and felt we’d tried as hard as we could but it had run its course.

He has moved back in with his parents, and one of the most upsetting parts is being the major villain in his families story - his mum was a second mum to me, and I messaged her to basically say I’m sorry I know this is a very emotional time, appreciate all you are doing for DD, but sorry it’s come to this, essentially.

I have had a reply -

’we will keep communicating about DD but that is all. I need time and space to support my son and granddaughter through this very difficult and emotional transitional period.’

Am I being sensitive atm? That’s really fucked me off - that’s my daughter, I’m not doing it to hurt her, and we are coparenting well currently. I have just replied ‘thank you’, but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with that?

I took this as a passive aggressive tone too. It’s normal that she’s supporting her son, but there was no need for her to mention your daughter. It’s not like you had an affair and that’s why you broke up. Don’t text her again.

Of course she’s got to support her DGD as well as her DS.

It will be a big adjustment for your DD too.

I think you’re really lucky your exMIL is emotionally intelligent.

Little ones really aren’t stupid and she’ll need lots of support and love, not just from you. Can you really not see that.

I think she’s being pretty smart to put the boundary in place now. When Dsis and her DH split, the DH’s lovely sister tried to support both of them but it became impossible because the whole situation was v emotionally charged and she couldn’t say anything to either of them without them saying “why are you taking [the other one’s] side.” Things between the OP and her ex may get worse when they start talking about finances/ childcare etc and her ex’s mum needs to not risk getting dragged into that. It was a little blunt but she’s just laying it out in clear terms that she can’t be a sounding board for the OP in this situation so that’s off limits as a topic.

I think maybe you need to reframe it. You MIL has just confirmed that she will support her granddaughter..it doesn't necessarily mean she thinks your not. Sadly you lose them as in-laws or course and she can keep contacting you if her son is in her house and she is looking after him..it's a bit harsh I agree since you assumed you also had a relationship with them. She may be speaking his words through her mouth ?

I'm very fond of my son's in law, but if one of them left my daughter, seemingly (to me) out of the blue, and I had to take her in, I can't imagine asking after him in any communication.

I also suspect that any Mumsnetter whose husband left her would be infuriated if their mother expressed concern or sympathy to him.

What’s wrong with that?

Her message is fine. I just read it as factual.

Your DD will need support from more than just you, it will be a massive adjustment for her and young kids are prone to magical thinking and putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5.

I'm sure all involved want it to be done well.

And your DD is her granddaughter.

Yes it’s a shock to realise that these people who are family to you, who you love and shared years of closeness and memories with. It turns out it was all to some extent transactional . They were doing it because you were married to their child/ mother to their grand child it wasn’t an unconditional love it was based on very specific conditions.

I'm also 🙄 at the idea that it's "nothing to do with her" or "doesn't affect her" because her son has literally moved in with her. Even if he hadn't moved in he's her son and someone she cares about, of course she's going to be affected by something that has upset her son.

With kids most people are going to feel sad for kids whose parents are going through divorce regardless of their opinions on the adults divorcing. It's known to be hard on kids and I don't think that it's a personal dig at you OP. I think for children going through changes and trials there can be something so special about a loving grandparent who remains a constant throughout all of that.

If your DD is going through the same thing in 30 years time, you’ll be wanting to support her as well, not her ex partner who broke her heart.

Sorry op. My marriage ended after 14 years (24 years together) due to my exh infidelity. My family lived overseas and my exh’s family were all I had. They still cut me off after the separation and I was painted as the villain, even though he cheated. It was extremely painful but to be expected, in hindsight.

Exactly

A very similar situation happened in my own family recently but the other way around (SIL left DB) and unfortunately you do need to accept that you are the villain in their family’s story.

How exactly did you expect it to go?

Their priority is their son and his wellbeing, from their perspective you have hurt him and them very deeply. My own mum did reach out to ex SIL to say she was sorry about what had happened but that is it. SIL seemed to think we would all still be chums and she could still be part of the family without being married to my brother - bizarre imo.

Your ex MIL doesn’t want to hear horrible things about her son and why he’s a bad husband and not good enough for you anymore. That will be how it feels to her. It’s nice to keep things civil for the sake of the grandchildren but that’s all.

I think it's unrealistic to think the parents of your partner will love you unconditionally. I care for my son in law deeply but I care for my daughter a lot more. If he hurts her, I'm entirely swinging to her side. If it's an amicable break up, she's the one I will support the most by nature. He has his own family. If she hurts him, I don't have to approve or support what happened, and I'd be supportive of how he feels, but she is my primary care concern. Again, he has his own family. I don't consider my relationship with my son in law transactional at all. Based on specific conditions? I suppose that's natural.

It really shouldn’t be a shock - they wouldn’t give you the time of day if you weren’t in a relationship with their child.

It’s unfortunate, but just human nature. When my cousin & his wife split, my aunty switched from treasured daughter-in-law to “oh her? She’s mental” pretty much overnight…

And when my other cousin & his wife split, other aunty continued to support his ex (and look after their child). It’s caused ructions with his new missus (and baby). Can’t win, really…

It’s also just most relationships isn’t it? I think the parent/child one might really be the only one that truly is unconditional. Maybe siblings. There is something truly about familial blood.

I love my husband more than I can even say but would I still love him if he cheated? If he started hitting me? If he totally changed his personality and started voting reform?

I love my friends but would I still love them if they told lies about me?

Also context matters. I have some lovely work friends but if we stopped working together would be still stay in touch? Maybe for a bit then it would fizzle out. The context for our friendship has gone. Likewise the context for your relationship with your ILs has gone too.

You shouldn't have replied with 'thank you'. I'd have replied with 'your granddaughter is my daughter. She will be supported by her parents. I don't expect you to remain my second mother, but I will expect you to tread carefully when it comes to communication with my child on this matter.'

No that'd piss me off too. It can be interpreted as her suggesting she's the one looking after your daughter because you've fucked off somewhere and left them to pick up the pieces. She probably didn't mean it that way though, and being charitable she may have even meant it as a sort of olive branch. Like rather than saying she's just choosing her son over you, she's making sure you know your daughter is still important and she's not casting out you and yours, she just can't speak to you specifically right now.

This sort of thing is why I was very reluctant to go down the route of 'one big happy family' and treating in-laws as if they were my parents. That 'family' relationship is conditional and is why people shouldn't go down the route of taking on caring responsibilities for in-laws or doing all the maintenance of relationships. When push comes to shove, people will align with their blood, regardless of anything else.

She may well feel like that to be fair and it’s not unreasonable at all.

Some people on this thread seem to think that the MIL should just accept it all with good grace.

My own mother was devastated when SIL left my brother. She was grieving the family
unit and sad that her grandchildren had to grow up in a broken home. It was a similar situation as well where nothing was really “wrong” and no one had done anything so it’s hard for people to understand why you can’t/wont tough it out.

She will feel rightly or wrongly that the OP has made a bad parenting decision and that she will need to support her grandchild through it. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Well let's hope she doesn't send that reply. Because it's entirely unnecessary at this point. Grandma is not overstepping by supporting the small child who will be spending a fair amount of time living under her roof, and who might be confused or sad, and asking questions of her.

Two weeks in is not the time to reply to a brief and reasonably civil message in an explosive manner. Why make things worse?

But the son has equally 'failed'. When a relationship is done someone has to call it. What matters is how they coparent in the future.

I think the mil's note was pretty inflammatory tbh - the implication being that the OP is a bad mum for not staying in a failed relationship . Mil may well think that, but she could have replied to OPs initial communication with something neutral. That wasn't neutral.
Personally I would want to send a shot across the boughs that I wasn't going to be cast in role of villain (potentially to my dd) and that I expect her to watch her tone.
OP called time first but the relationship failed because of both partners, not just her. It's not like OP has run off with another man and abandoned her h and dc!