To feel upset by MILs message about separation

[Havealittlepatienc3]

I separated from DH 2 weeks ago, after 14 years together with 1 DD aged 4.

We got together when we were 18 and gradually grew apart, we parented well together but the intimacy had gone - we hadn’t had sex in almost 2 years (not for my lack of trying), we had tried marriage counselling etc but the crux of it was I couldn’t do it anymore. There were other issues, nothing inherently ‘bad’, but bad enough that I just couldn’t waste any more time in that marriage, and felt we’d tried as hard as we could but it had run its course.

He has moved back in with his parents, and one of the most upsetting parts is being the major villain in his families story - his mum was a second mum to me, and I messaged her to basically say I’m sorry I know this is a very emotional time, appreciate all you are doing for DD, but sorry it’s come to this, essentially.

I have had a reply -

’we will keep communicating about DD but that is all. I need time and space to support my son and granddaughter through this very difficult and emotional transitional period.’

Am I being sensitive atm? That’s really fucked me off - that’s my daughter, I’m not doing it to hurt her, and we are coparenting well currently. I have just replied ‘thank you’, but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with that?

I think it's really important for people to realise that your in laws ARE NOT your family. You treat these people as though they are your family. You do their presents and admin and errands and care. You facilitate their relationship with their own child and your child. You treat them as though they are equal to your own family.

They are not. They are not your family. They are your husband's family and at the end of the day, they will drop you like a sack of shit the first chance they get. Doesn't matter why you're divorcing, you will cease to exist to them as soon as you are no longer in a relationship with your husband.

It absolutely sucks you believed they loved you even a little bit like they love him. They dont. You're their son's wife. While you're giving them what they want you're great, great for him, great for them. But the most most people will ever get it "oh that's a shame, I liked her."

I'm sorry you're upset, it sucks, but yeah losing them is just a part of leaving him.

I'd reccomend anyone not to allow themselves to lose their own family connection in favour of becoming apart of their husbands family, they're not your family, stop doing everything for them, just leave him to it and focus on your own relationships.

Same goes for his friends.

Her DIL has left her son. OP made the decision, and he didn't want it. Apart from the lack of sex, she admits that the relationship was generally okay. So no fabrication is needed, but of course DH isn't going to start to talk with his mum about the sex issue, is he?

So yes, the relationship was generally fine, yet OP left the marriage. Now what would Mumsnet think of a man who apparently suddenly, left an otherwise stable marriage (as far as anyone knew)?
So yes, MIL will be sad, angry, and also stressed about suddenly having to house her son, and (for some of the time) her grandchild.

She is not your support mechanism. She will be his mum who will support her son.

The sooner you accept that, regardless of the past will be better for you.

You have no need to communicate with her now, so start making hard decisions and move on and get your support another way.

(Speaking from experience)

I think it's really important for people to realise that your in laws ARE NOT your family. You treat these people as though they are your family. You do their presents and admin and errands and care. You facilitate their relationship with their own child and your child. You treat them as though they are equal to your own family.

On Mumsnet, @Esmeraldathe3rd no-one treats them as if they're equal to their own family! And if anyone suggests that they should, the thread goes wild!

I would find it very difficult of my parents had been supportive of my ex when I left him. I think you are being unreasonable.

My family loved my ex, and treated very much as one of the family. But things change, and boundaries have to be re drawn.

@saraclara

We got together when we were 18 and gradually grew apart, we parented well together but the intimacy had gone - we hadn’t had sex in almost 2 years (not for my lack of trying), we had tried marriage counselling etc but the crux of it was I couldn’t do it anymore. There were other issues, nothing inherently ‘bad’, but bad enough that I just couldn’t waste any more time in that marriage, and felt we’d tried as hard as we could but it had run its course.

For some strange reason, you are being extremely selective in how you read OP’s posts. Obviously we don’t know the details beyond what OP shared but the above from her OP makes it clear it wasn’t ‘just’ about sex 🙄 but a long period of distance, counselling which hadn’t worked, and other issues where it now was at the point the relationship was finished.

That’s not ‘generally fine’ and it’s so odd you keep representing it as such.

I do tend to be on the side of taking a dim view of men leaving marriages (on MN at least), I’ll admit. However, if a marriage isn’t working, both parties have tried (as it sounds like OP did), and it’s ended with respect, fairness & integrity (not an affair, or gaslighting, or pretending it’s something else), then I wouldn’t judge either a man or woman in that situation

And back to OP’s point, she still deserved better in the form of a text than she got from MIL. Beyond that, I absolutely accept that MIL will support her DS as a priority.

I can see why she hasvtomorioritise supporting her son but the granddaughter bit would piss me off too. It comes across as very self important and dismissive of you. She could have taken a friendlier tone, as well

She's hurting - that is all.

It sounds hard OP, to have lack of family support on your side and have been sent that message from your MIL.
I agree with many posters on here to leave communications for now, between you and your ex. I feel it will be a bit of a rough journey along this road for some time. All the best 💐

I loved my MIL and she loved me. She was more of a mum to me than my own mum ever was.
Fortunately her son and I were very happily married, but MIL and I actually had a talk about what would happen if we split up

MIL had recently visited a friend whose son and DIL had broken up acrimoniously, and it had led to a nightmare for her friend, especially as there were grandchildren involved.
So out of the blue (to be) MIL said "if you and D ever split up, we would still stay in touch wouldn't we? I reassured her that I didn't see us ever splitting up, but yes, we would manage to keep in touch. And we had a big hug.

But even having had that chat, I still wouldn't expect her to be thinking of me two weeks in, in the same situation. Her focus would, and should, be on her son. We'd sort the rest of later when life has settled, I imagine. .

Good grief. Mothers on here struggle with other kids falling out with theirs at school. . Yet MILs are supposed to be sanguine about their child's spouse leaving them (or rather making them leave and move back in with MIL) and expected to ask after DIL to see if she's okay?

I think it's a cold, shitty message to send to the mother of her grandchild, and I'd be annoyed at her talking about supporting "her granddaughter" like that - OP hasn't abandoned her little girl.

I am glad someone is saying this.

It is rarely in the interest of the children to have their parents divorce. The academic literature in this is absolutely overwhelming. It is traumatizing and damaging to children.

Of course the grandmother needs to support her granddaughter through this, with a type of support the divorcing parents can very much not provide.

Her reply is correct. You are in very emotional moment, don't over think the reply. Sound correct to me.

I completely understand why the mil would feel like that, just pointing out the message would feel snipey to me too and not entirely civil as others have said.
I wouldn't retaliate though.

I think she could have added ´but I hope you are ok and I wish you well’ From what you say it’s just a marriage that’s run its course and you were both very young when you got together and no one is to blame. We don’t know what her son has said or how he’s feeling though plus he no longer has his own home. Maybe things will get easier as time goes by.

The daughter bit would rub me the wrong way too. To me that would suggest you’re the one who’s blown everything up and she’s been left to pick up the pieces. With her son, maybe - but you’re still looking after your daughter so that doesn’t seem very fair. From what you’ve said it doesn’t really sound like there was a ‘villain’ in this break up, just the one who instigated it.

Perhaps it was an attempt at neutral but it actually sounds quite frosty. Agree with another poster it sounds like AI. Think you’re right in just taking a breath though it’s all very fresh.

I get it OP. I am also the villain of the piece. I find it really hard that people who have known me for 20 years can just believe his narrative and drop me like there was no bond.

I think if my DC go through similar, I feel like I could still have a relationship with my D or S IL. Unless there was infidelity or abuse.

It’s quite unevolved to ‘take sides’ I think. Unless behaviour warrants it.

It’s better for kids if the adults get on too.

May be with time…

I think just acknowledging it’s hard for her too would have been something. Or just a ‘Hope you are ok’ type of statement.

It sounds like a very direct and balanced message, just like MNters encourage. She's showing where her loyalty lies

YABU. In situations like this a side has to be taken and of course it will be that of her son. You can’t have the perks without the relationship.

I thought this.

yANBU- her response is cold and condescending. I very much doubt her support of or worry for her granddaughter is a patch on what you (or indeed her son) will be doing.
her priority is her son, of course, but your daughter is only 4. It’s a long road of co-parenting ahead and her snippy superior attitude is not going to help anyone

I think her message was to the point and polite , I’m surprised you even approached her , what exactly did you think her response would be ?

It's very sad when marriages end, even if they should end. You are in new territory now and things will never be the same again, that's just the harsh truth of separating and ending a long relationship.

The MIL is of course going to support her son first and foremost, just as you would support your daughter over her partner.
The wording of her text is possibly a bit awkward but I don't think she means to be overly hurtful, she's just setting new boundaries.

You will have to come to terms with the fact that you aren't a close member of your husband's family any more. Maybe one day it will change a bit but it can't stay the same as before, particularly if he meets someone else down the line.
You both (and everyone else involved) need to move on and find a new way of doing things.

It hurts at first though, I found losing the closeness I had with my in-laws one of the hardest things about my marriage ending but it had to be that way, they were his family and their loyalty was to him.

Good luck, it will all settle with time.