To feel upset by MILs message about separation

[Havealittlepatienc3]

I separated from DH 2 weeks ago, after 14 years together with 1 DD aged 4.

We got together when we were 18 and gradually grew apart, we parented well together but the intimacy had gone - we hadn’t had sex in almost 2 years (not for my lack of trying), we had tried marriage counselling etc but the crux of it was I couldn’t do it anymore. There were other issues, nothing inherently ‘bad’, but bad enough that I just couldn’t waste any more time in that marriage, and felt we’d tried as hard as we could but it had run its course.

He has moved back in with his parents, and one of the most upsetting parts is being the major villain in his families story - his mum was a second mum to me, and I messaged her to basically say I’m sorry I know this is a very emotional time, appreciate all you are doing for DD, but sorry it’s come to this, essentially.

I have had a reply -

’we will keep communicating about DD but that is all. I need time and space to support my son and granddaughter through this very difficult and emotional transitional period.’

Am I being sensitive atm? That’s really fucked me off - that’s my daughter, I’m not doing it to hurt her, and we are coparenting well currently. I have just replied ‘thank you’, but AIBU to be a bit pissed off with that?

Sorry you’ve had a hard couple of weeks OP. It will be raw and difficult for everyone. Take the High Road. Your text was dignified and polite. I can understand your MILs text too. Give it time.

Yeah it’s a bit of a shitty text but ultimately they’re his family not yours so you’ll have to let them go. He sounds like a waste of space so you’re probably better off in the long run.

Yep. Mumsnetters love boundaries. But apparently only their own. Other people's are another matter.

It's not about "perks", it's about being adults and behaving amicably seeing as there's a child involved.
A neutrally friendly message would do that well, not a deliberately cold one.

Why on earth should she be friendly? She's picking up the pieces from OP's action right now. She's suddenly got a lodger for starters. And I imagine he's not easy to have around right now. And yes, she'll have the little one around when the dad does. Her house is no longer her own and everyone's upset in one way or another.
OP has her house to herself at least, and isn't having to deal with her husband moping about. She's at the 'relief at making the decision' end of things. MIL is at the beginning of the turmoil.

MIL is collateral damage right now, and it'll take a while for her to get to the amicable bit.
I wouldn't judge anyone by their actions just two weeks after a marriage split.

I dont see what she said was wrong it is her son she is entitled to her own feelings on this you dont own them

I disagree with PP, I don’t think she needed to say that at all. I think you’re right, she’s obviously upset with you, otherwise she’d have just wished you the best and left it at that. She didn’t need to end any friendliness between you just because you and her son broke up

When I left my marriage, I did not hear from MIL for about two years. Then a friend of hers called and said MIL was hurt I had not contacted her; she felt I was part of their family as I was mother to their two grandsons and had been in their lives for 20 years..... So your MIL may come around in time! I was surprised by this all, and had assumed I was out of the family now, but she did continue to see me until she died.

I can understand why that's hurtful but her position makes sense. She may be angry at you, especially as she sees her son and your daughter hurting. In the end, a parents first loyalty is going to be to their own child. She may think it's best she keeps her distance as she might not feel she can be friendly right now. I'm sure your relationship is also a loss for her too but, right now, her plate is full with supporting her son as a priority.

Alot of people on Mumsnet have already lived through it. So they know. Same as why they say you shouldn't have a baby with your dosser boyfriend. Don't marry the man that financially abuses you. Leave your cheater husband. Because we know where that path leads.
Don't treat your in-laws like they're your "second parents" they're not. They'll drop you like a sack of shit. Even if their son cheats on you, beats you, etc etc

So yeah, absolutely people advise you not to run around after your in laws or let them cross boundaries. Because 9 times out of 10 we already know those people don't give a shit about you or how they make you feel.

I wouldn’t send something as unfriendly as that to my adult children’s exes.
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I was incredibly close to Xmil, but once I left her ds that was it: I was completely cut off.

Recently, a decade later, I’ve coincidentally ended up working online a bit with xsil, who is quite a bit younger & has been an excellent aunt to the dc, and has no particular love for xh given his bullying ways.

She's told me that her dm still regards me as the devil incarnate.

There’s absolutely no rational reason for her to think that. I left xh because he was an abuser & a cheat, & she knows that.

I’ve encouraged the dc to stay in touch, I’ve prompted them to visit & to send cards & gifts when their idiot df certainly hasn’t.

Honestly, it’s not worth the fight. Once the ‘my saint of a son has been ABANDONED by an evil JEZEBEL’ narrative has taken root, you’re stuffed.

fwiw I think she’s being a bit daft with this chilly message. If she really cares about her son she should be trying to keep things as amicable as possible and aid the co parenting. If she had an ounce of sense she’d realise there are 2 sides to everything and that being a bit warmer would be a better approach. She can still ultimately support her son. Also, it’s not impossible you might decide to give it another go in the future (not saying you will, but some people do.)

I actually think it was a very cold message. Yes she's supporting her son but it wouldn't hurt to say something kind like she's sorry this has happened, or she'd like to keep in touch but not just now, or OP will always be important as the mother of their DGC. She could then have gone on to say they need distance right now.
I'm with you, OP.

You're no longer family I'm afraid. This is standard after a separation.

It would be interesting to see the actual text of the OP's message - do the two messages have matching or very different vibes?

YANBU to feel sad about this. YABU to be pissed off, or to expect any different really. I know how much this sucks when you've grown to see these people as your own family due to a lack in physical or emotional presence from your flesh and blood. Sending you a big hug.

I just want to offer support @Havealittlepatienc3
It's not fair and it hurts because they were your family for 14 years and are now acting very distant. They've drawn a line.
Stay strong and find something you can do in your free time to make you feel good about yourself. 💐

Two weeks is still very new and fresh. I'd say you are being oversensitive.

Just give it time, remain respectful, you'll want to be in the same room together for some birthdays, graduation and your DD's wedding one day.

Unfortunately, yes, even if you were really close, you will lose the in-laws. Even if ultimately they realise it was all for the best, they will still be in his corner rather than yours. But, if you know underneath they're good people then take a step back for now and do your best to just rub along well when it happens. It will be nice for them to still have a strong presence in you DD's life.

Pershing don’t see anything wrong with her message. Of course her priority will be her son who must be suffering.

Maybe you did I take it the wrong way. Your MIL is also your DDs DGM and they will have to talk about the separation because I am sure your DD is upset too.

A DC cannot have too much support through a time like this surely and loves her DGM, who as she says, will support her, as will you and her DF.

Don’t be silly.

From the MIL’s perspective:

Her son is likely devastated and she is having to pick up the pieces. The OP did that to her DS so she’s hardly likely to be flavour of the month.

Her son is homeless having been kicked out his home and having to be housed by his mum who probably was quite happy not having adult kids living there before so she’s probably pissed off.

She is worried about the effect of divorce on her DGD’s wellbeing as well as all the financial implications.

And the OP has somehow made it all about her. I’m sure the MIL had a great relationship with her but she’s smarting and hurt.

OP is the one who has decided she wants out though, so saying 'sorry this has happened' would be a bit odd. If her son had called it, then it would make more sense. There's no need to feel sorry for OP if she is indeed the one who said she wanted to end the relationship. She's got what she chose and presumably is happy with the decision (even if it comes with some sadness).

I care for my son in law and have been there for him and my DD when he's had a medical emergency. If he left her though, then he's made his call and my first care is for my DD. He can find his support with his family and friends.

My ex MIL has never spoken to me since I left her son but she certainly spoke about me plenty. The message you have OP is ok , hopefully she doesn’t decide to behave badly and make things harder in the divorce and then things might become reasonably amicable.

I’m sure she still loves you, but this is very painful and devastating for everyone including his parents. Perhaps you don’t quite realise how much it affects the wider family.

Things are different now and sadly you have made yourself her ex-DIL. The right thing for your MIL to do is prioritise her DS and DG.