AIBU to think secretly recording friends is a major breach of trust?

[cheesecakesaturday]

I met two friends for coffee this morning, one of whom I’ve known for years, the other one I only met last year but we’ve become close and introduced them a few months ago. We’d been chatting for about half an hour when the one I’ve known longer went to the loo leaving her handbag on the chair.

When she came back she picked her bag up and accidentally dropped it on the floor, her phone fell out and the screen lit up. At a quick glance it looked like the Voice Memos app and there was recording in progress as I could clearly see a timer counting up.

She grabbed it very quickly, locked the screen and put it back in her bag. I didn’t say anything because I was so taken aback.

After we said goodbye to the other friend about half an hour later, I psyched myself up the courage and asked her why she was voice recording us. She looked embarrassed and admitted she’d started recording before she went to the toilet because she wanted to make sure we weren’t talking about her while she was gone. She said she was jealous and worried about being replaced by my new friend as she’d had experiences of being abandoned in the past.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. On one hand, I feel quite sad for her if she genuinely feels that anxious. On the other, I think secretly recording your friends, even for that reason, is a huge breach of trust.

AIBU to think this is a massive breach of trust, or am I catastrophising?

Former police officer and degree in criminal law. No its not illegal, as long as its for personal use.

Even though she left the table, so was no longer participating in the conversation, while still recording?

I value my privacy over money. Interesting that you would place money above privacy in the pecking order.

Perspective is wise. Covertly recording a friend is genuinely disturbing behaviour.

As for being filmed and recorded all day - we're not. I am not sat in my office being filmed or recorded. Sure, shops and bars will use CCTV but that is done overtly and is highly regulated. There is simply no comparison.

I sincerely hope that's aimed @SummerPeonies2026 and not me!!!

I agree. This sounds like something you'd tell your DC on the arrival of a new sibling - not a grown adult friend.

Stop gentle-parenting grown adults and hold them to account.

I dont know why you continue to be confused - especially when others responding to you have also said that's a really odd take to have.
To quote you:
"But how many confidential issues do you have and would you raise them in the two minutes that someone went to the toilet?"

... this is exactly the self-absorption and lack of empathy I'm talking about - thinking that someone stepping away for a perceived short amount of time means that you can't fathom someone having or wanting a private or confidential conversation with someone else during that time.

It is completely irrelevant: 1) the length of time she was away (2 mins BTW? please wash your hands if you're that quick) and 2) whether you personally talk to strangers about health and money matters.
People are entitled to not be recorded without their consent and to be cross if their privacy has been compromised. I'm not even computing how you're finding that a controversial take.

I’m not sure how you are confused that people have different views to you?
You seem to lack any understanding of that possibility and the fact that the op may have posted to possibly hear those views. She is of course totally able to ignore them unlike you who feels the need to be condescending towards other posters.

Mate. You seem to be forgetting you responded to my comment "how may confident issues do you have...?". That was a direct question / response to my previous post.

Go tell OP to not be bothered about it and update her on your migraines rather specifically replying to my comment just to be contrary.

It's not about having different views though, is it. What everyone is getting at is the decision was made for OP before OP had the choice over which side of the fence she was on.

Just because some people might be ok with it does not make it an ok thing for the friend to do. She should have asked, then OP and other friend could have decided which camp they were in (either not content to be recorded - as seemingly post people on here would be - or content to be recorded - as you would have been).

Your take is seemingly that, because you wouldn't mind, no one else should either and so recording friend's actions were acceptable - the result of that being you have taken away everyone's right to choose. You do seem incapable of understanding that other people would mind and, that being an undeniable fact, the recording friend not checking first was the wrong move.

This isn't a chicken and egg scenario. This is check consent from those involved, then act accordingly.

Let's switch it up to help you understand... If I said that I like it up the chuff with a pineapple, and therefore your partner should be fine to give it a try with you, without first asking whether you were ok with it, would you accept the "but @Isittimetojumpoff doesn't mind so I didn't need to check first" as a reasonable response from your partner?

🍍🍍🍍

So use your incredible understanding of people having different lives than you to accept the fact that others have confidential issues you may not have.

Examples have been given in the thread already of how private stuff might be brought up quickly between two people.

You are entitled to your view, clearly.

It is extreme to record a friend, but I think it’s more interesting to find out why! I am always surprised when the advice is to dump long standing friends without as much as a discussion. Her friend I am assuming knows it is wrong, so ‘educating’ her isn’t necessary, but she must know she has compromised her friendships and trust.

@Isittimetojumpoff your analogy really made me laugh. Thankyou.

There are certain behaviours that can really make you question someone, though...

I'm glad it made you smile.

The pineapple could always be replaced with your extremely large clock!!!

I can assure you that you are being filmed all day at the coffee shop, on the bus, in your own building, in the lift, by your colleagues in the office taking photos of their plants. All the way along your street. All day every day, in London we also have face recognition tech.

You really are naive if you don’t know almost everything you do and say outside of your own home will be recorded/filmed.

I listen to court cases, and even I am surprised sometimes at the different forms of evidence. So your privacy might be important, as mine is to me, but you don’t have control over it anyway.

Op’s friend should not have done this, but I feel pity for someone so insecure.

Oooooh this is a hard one. I can't vote either way as whilst this is a breach of trust, it seems to be coming from a place of significant insecurity and is rather sad. Only you know whether you can rebuild this trust and give your friend the tools to build more confidences in the relationship. I guess it depends on how everything else is within the relationship?

As a lawyer who has dealt with numerous data protection issues, data breaches, harassment claims, disputes over the use of recording devices etc, I can assure you I am not naive to it.

There's a significant amount of legislation in force to regulate the use of recording devices, the storage of data and the use of data. People / companies will, however, breach legislation. That does not make it right. Nor does it make it anywhere near acceptable that a so-called friend covertly recorded two people having what, without the recording device, would have been a private-from-her conversation.

Lots of people shoplift so what does it matter if I steal your dog? Doesn't go very far, does it?

Well then you will know that we see countless recordings in court of criminal activity (and otherwise) people really have no idea how extensive it is.

I can’t get worked up about a mentally ill person recording a friend when all around us we are being filmed!

What does that have to do with a friend taking a secret recording of someone though?
CCTV very rarely picks up dialogue (as as such is even more legally controlled and regulated that video alone) and all CCTV is subject to GDPR.

I'm guessing her friend isn't certified to ISO:27001, and she certainly hasn't obtained the necessary permissions for audio-CCTV.

It’s not a criminal offence to record someone - there is that small detail to consider.

You're right about one thing - it IS a (very) small detail.
Whether it's legal or not, is actually irrelevant. The fact there has been so much conversation around the legality (or not) is a VERY clear indicator that it is at least unethical / immoral practice, otherwise there would be no such debate.

People shouldn't go through life making judgement calls on whether something is purely legal or not. Blocking someone's drive is legal. Abandoning a shopping trolley against someone's car in a supermarket is legal. Hell, you could legally SA you're own wife until the 1990's!
...But I would absolutely not want to be friends or associate with people who do those things - which is the essence of the thread and OP's initial post.

Unless I missed something, she wasn't looking to press charges... that's just other people's active imagination and appetite for drama that took the conversation down that path.

I don't care whether covertly recording someone is "legal" or not.

Morally, it's a pretty reprehensible thing to do to people you supposedly call your friends.

It's not illegal for someone to sleep with my husband either, but if one of my close friends did that, they certainly wouldn't be my friend anymore.

Legality and morality aren't the same thing. See how that works?

I agree. Can you behave with her as you would any good friend who’s worrying and feeling fragile?

Maybe the reason other friends have abandoned her is this type of behaviour!

I would never have anything to do with her again. Ever.