AIBU to think secretly recording friends is a major breach of trust?

[cheesecakesaturday]

I met two friends for coffee this morning, one of whom I’ve known for years, the other one I only met last year but we’ve become close and introduced them a few months ago. We’d been chatting for about half an hour when the one I’ve known longer went to the loo leaving her handbag on the chair.

When she came back she picked her bag up and accidentally dropped it on the floor, her phone fell out and the screen lit up. At a quick glance it looked like the Voice Memos app and there was recording in progress as I could clearly see a timer counting up.

She grabbed it very quickly, locked the screen and put it back in her bag. I didn’t say anything because I was so taken aback.

After we said goodbye to the other friend about half an hour later, I psyched myself up the courage and asked her why she was voice recording us. She looked embarrassed and admitted she’d started recording before she went to the toilet because she wanted to make sure we weren’t talking about her while she was gone. She said she was jealous and worried about being replaced by my new friend as she’d had experiences of being abandoned in the past.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. On one hand, I feel quite sad for her if she genuinely feels that anxious. On the other, I think secretly recording your friends, even for that reason, is a huge breach of trust.

AIBU to think this is a massive breach of trust, or am I catastrophising?

The woman would never see me again. And I'm also just the type of gobshite to pull her on it immediately and make her delete it in front of me.

Blimey am I the only person who wouldn’t be bothered by this?
I generally talk a load of random shit and don’t gossip about people not there, so I wouldn’t care if someone recorded me and posted it on the internet. I would assume they were trying to market it as a cure for insomnia. 😂

À genuinely lovely person doesn’t record her friends secretly.

And what if while she was away the OP and her other friend had a quick conversation about something that was intensely private and nothing to do with the spy-friend?

Would people be happy if someone they didn't want to include in the conversation and didn't want to know these things had a recording of them saying "look thanks very much for the intro to X, he is going to bring me to an AA meeting tomorrow - can't thank you enough" or "I'll give you a call tomorrow about my dd as I mentioned yesterday the eating disorder is getting worse and I'd love your advice" or "still waiting for the breast clinic to get back to me"

It may be coming from a place of anxiety or mental health - or she may be just off but she wouldn't be someone I would trust enough to be friends with.

Wow.

I'd put money on that not being the first time she's done that or the worst thing she's done.

Ultimately, while she was gone, you and the other friend were entitled to speak about whatever you pleased, with privacy, and she had no right to know what you were talking about - even if you were saying the most dreadful things about her. The fact she thinks she did have the right to intrude, over your right to privacy, is simply insane.

I'd be pointing her in the direction of professional help and running for the hills. She's possessive as fuck and that is not the basis of a healthy relationship.

I’m cringing as I’m reading this. How embarrassing. She must be feeling pretty ‘on the back foot’ to feel this way.. I’d want to curl up and never show my face again if I were her!

I would not see her again

All I want to know is, whether you were actually talking about her while she was gone or not 😅🍿

Even if she’s anxious, there’s a certain malice about it that I wouldn’t be able to look past. I don’t appreciate the feeling of someone trying to catch me out. That’s not a friend.

It is a breach of trust, but honestly my first question would be what has happened to her that makes her so paranoid and makes her think that secretly recording friends is ok? How many other conversations has she recorded?

I would definitely feel sorry for her pathological levels of anxiety but from a long distance in the future.

That's a friendship I'd be running away from.

At the very minimum, I'd keep her at least arms lenght if you decided to keep the friendship, but that would probably be a deal breaker altogether for me.
It's incredibly unhinged and obsessive behaviour.

It a bit like couples relationship... as they say, if you're having to look through a partner's phone or follow them to see where they go without you, the relationship is already over.

Yes, because its not just gossip that's confidential. Either OP or the other recorded friend could have been discussing confidential money/health/relationship issues which they are more than entitled to not have to disclose to anyone else.

What law makes it illegal?

I think next time, you need to all start talking about her when she leaves the room. Jus to make her a little bit more anxious

I think this is an excellent point.

You really should tell the other friend.
Whatever about the legality about it, I cannot imagine I would ever feel safe with her again.
I also would wonder has she ever done anything else like this before.
This is not normal behaviour.

I wouldn't want to be around someone whom has so little respect for the privacy of others and whose moral compass is so off.

😂

I’d feel the same way.

I’d say to he that you are disappointed she doesn’t trust you and that she should probably rethink if this friendship is beneficial to her if she needs to record conversations. And I would be clear if she pulled a stunt like that again I would be rethinking the friendship.

That’s a massive breach of trust and I wouldn’t trust her again.

But how many confidential issues do you have and would you raise them in the two minutes that someone went to the toilet?
I mean I have a pain in my back and keep getting funny migraine type headaches but I’m happy for anyone to know and give sympathy and advice. Personally I find most people more than happy to overload onto me.
I had a stranger on a train tell me his money woes yesterday, so surely he would be happy to let his friends know?

No- this is appalling behaviour, it's a complete breach of a person's privacy and trust. Anxiety doesnt give you the right to treat people poorly and breach their privacy.

I would never see this person again. Trust would be completely gone and relationships are ruined if there is no trust

I had a stranger on a train tell me his money woes yesterday, so surely he would be happy to let his friends know?

If you had taken out a recorder and said to him I am just going to record this conversation I can bet you now he wouldnt have carried on

Absolutely! I just can’t imagine how she would think she could be in the right! Even if she was being spoken about, what would she do? “A ha! I was secretly recording you!! You need to grovel and apologise if you want to stay my friend!!!”