AIBU to think secretly recording friends is a major breach of trust?

[cheesecakesaturday]

I met two friends for coffee this morning, one of whom I’ve known for years, the other one I only met last year but we’ve become close and introduced them a few months ago. We’d been chatting for about half an hour when the one I’ve known longer went to the loo leaving her handbag on the chair.

When she came back she picked her bag up and accidentally dropped it on the floor, her phone fell out and the screen lit up. At a quick glance it looked like the Voice Memos app and there was recording in progress as I could clearly see a timer counting up.

She grabbed it very quickly, locked the screen and put it back in her bag. I didn’t say anything because I was so taken aback.

After we said goodbye to the other friend about half an hour later, I psyched myself up the courage and asked her why she was voice recording us. She looked embarrassed and admitted she’d started recording before she went to the toilet because she wanted to make sure we weren’t talking about her while she was gone. She said she was jealous and worried about being replaced by my new friend as she’d had experiences of being abandoned in the past.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. On one hand, I feel quite sad for her if she genuinely feels that anxious. On the other, I think secretly recording your friends, even for that reason, is a huge breach of trust.

AIBU to think this is a massive breach of trust, or am I catastrophising?

Christ imagine being this much of a drama llama. What dangerous thing do you expect she’s going to do, break into OPs house and stab her children?

Imagine all the people..

A breach of trust for sure, but she also sounds insecure and vulnerable.

• Your friends have a legal right to a "reasonable expectation of privacy" when you leave them alone in a room. By planting a bug or leaving your phone running on the table intentionally, you are actively violating their privacy rights under the Human Rights Act 1998

I’d have ended the friendship, I couldn’t continue it after someone recording a conversation I was having with someone else. I don’t tolerate jealous people either, I can’t be arsed with drama in my life, she’d be binned and I’d let her know why.

Why does it have to be dangerous?

Toxic is bad enough.

Friends are supposed to be a source of positivity, not create the need for a surveillance monitoring check every time you have coffee with them.

Swap the female out for a male friend and see if that changes your thinking 🤔

Good point about why she’s been abandoned. The only person I know who is always going on about how she’s losing friends has all kinds of issues that alienate others, then she criticises them for being a bit tactless and fatigued by her!

I agree, but I think those posters maybe actually don’t have experience with specific personality disorders, the hallmark behaviours, or how frightening and awful the sufferers can be when they need help and have latched onto you.

OP I would stay away from this woman. It’s not dramatic to be concerned.

Because the poster I was replying to said she was dangerous, so that was the entire point of the exchange you’ve quoted

I'd feel sorry for her. If it is a one off, let it go. She sounds like she needs understanding not judgement.

YANBU it's a very strange thing to do. Years ago my mum and I visited a friend of hers, who went into the kitchen to make coffee and was away ages. Eventually she came back in with her husband and he told us he'd put a microphone in a big plant and left it recording while we were there. He played it back there and then. We left and mum didn't really bother with them again. We never knew why they did it.

It is creepy and paranoid. No wonder she struggles with friendships.

And my point in response to yours was, even if you choose to minimise the potential dangerous aspects of this behaviour (as correctly listed by that poster) it's still toxic enough to be of concern.

HTH

I really need to ask, mind
So were you talking about her when she went to the bathroom?

Nobody on this thread has shown à lack of understanding. You’re confusing discernment with ‘ judgment’. Lazy virtue signalling.

If she has form for this sort of batshittery it also explains why she can't maintain friendships.

Yes, I suppose you're right. I reacted with actual horror to this post, recognised how desperately abnormal this woman's behaviour was, and I am absolutely serious when I say to the OP - run away.

I would block the woman who was caught recording the conversation on every single channel and not engage in any sort of discussion about it with anyone, no response, completely remove all oxygen from the room, no warnings to others, no gossip, just absent myself totally from her from now on and, if asked, say as little as possible.

I also cannot really be bothered with rude, silly people who start responses with "wtf" and laugh emojis, so perhaps was a little less than polite with my reply.

Frightening and awful are two very good words in this context.

You sound unhinged. What a weird fantasy.

Goodbye.

In all my years of knowing people I’ve never heard of someone doing this. If I did hear of a friend doing this to me, they’d be an ex friend. Very strange behaviour.

But was he recording you? To see if she spoke about you? Sounds like he was controlling her.

I'd feel sorry for her. And I'd pull right back on the friendship. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who did this. Are there really people who think this is nothing much to worry about?

Well if she wasn’t before, she is going to be replaced now.

This is the time to initiate the slow fade quite quickly.

It is unreasonable, and I would not be compassionate in this instance. The friend just need to get a grip! If she is anxious she should get therapy or medication, not record her friends without consent - it is a gateway to weirder and more non-consensual intrusions,

If she suffers from anxiety then it is on her to deal with it through appropriate channels. Choosing to record you in secret, as though she cannot imagine any single alternative conversation you could have that you might want to keep private other than one about her, is unhinged and shows a total lack of responsibility on her part to deal with her own mental health struggles.

I would tell her that I found it unacceptable, let the other friend know about the recording, and end the friendship without hesitation or remorse.

ETA Has she ever mentioned this anxiety/abandonment fear before?

I don't know whether it's illegal to record private conversations without people's knowledge but it's certainly counter-productive as it will probably adversely affect OP's relationship with the long-standing friend. It shows a lack of trust and a level of paranoia that is quite disturbing.