AIBU to think secretly recording friends is a major breach of trust?

[cheesecakesaturday]

I met two friends for coffee this morning, one of whom I’ve known for years, the other one I only met last year but we’ve become close and introduced them a few months ago. We’d been chatting for about half an hour when the one I’ve known longer went to the loo leaving her handbag on the chair.

When she came back she picked her bag up and accidentally dropped it on the floor, her phone fell out and the screen lit up. At a quick glance it looked like the Voice Memos app and there was recording in progress as I could clearly see a timer counting up.

She grabbed it very quickly, locked the screen and put it back in her bag. I didn’t say anything because I was so taken aback.

After we said goodbye to the other friend about half an hour later, I psyched myself up the courage and asked her why she was voice recording us. She looked embarrassed and admitted she’d started recording before she went to the toilet because she wanted to make sure we weren’t talking about her while she was gone. She said she was jealous and worried about being replaced by my new friend as she’d had experiences of being abandoned in the past.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. On one hand, I feel quite sad for her if she genuinely feels that anxious. On the other, I think secretly recording your friends, even for that reason, is a huge breach of trust.

AIBU to think this is a massive breach of trust, or am I catastrophising?

she wanted to make sure we weren’t talking about her while she was gone.
I would be more concerned by that than any breach of trust or legal issue.

I would advise my 10 year old to never see another 10 year old behaving like that, so as an adult, I would remove her promptly from all my contacts. Who has time for that insane behaviour and drama?

Very strange situation.

It's very unusual for someone's phone to spill out of their bag and for others to clearly see the screen.

So for this to happen when she was secretly recording you, seems like enormously bad luck (for her).

That's my only reaction to the scenario, really.

No they were recording us when they were both out of the room, taking longer than they needed. It seemed that they were expecting us to talk about them and then confront us by replaying it. There wasn't any control, if anything, I'd say she was the more bossy of the two. They were a strange couple in lots of ways though.

A breach of your civil rights is very different to illegal. It's not a crime.

She was very wrong to do this but I think you may have bigger issues than the recording.
Is she usually paranoid? I wonder what pushed her to behave so bizarre.

I'm still wondering about this, op? 🤔

It is a breach of trust for sure.

I would feel compassion for someone so anxious. But I would also feel uncomfortable and distance myself a bit I think. Although talk of her being dangerous is way over the top.

Provided she only recorded for her own personal use it isn’t a criminal offence. Might be a civil wrong though so you could, in theory, sue her (not that I’m suggesting you do).

I find this horrifying and I would urge you to keep well well away from this person.

This is really sinister and I couldn't be friends with someone who invaded my privacy like that. As previous posters have said, friendships require trust. If she's going to be paranoid and spy on me there's no friendship there anymore.

I would also tell the other friend about the recording. She has a right to know that an unhinged woman secretly recorded her. Who knows what the weird friend will do with that? Post it to Facebook after editing the words out of context?

Horrendous.

Ha ha. Good point.

rumbled, op!

It is illegal. She was secretly recording conversation between other people when she was not present.

@cheesecakesaturday If she was recording the entire conversation between the three participants that would be very strange but not illegal. The fact she recorded only after she left the conversation means it is illegal, unless she had a court order to allow her to do so. It has nothing to do with human rights, it breaches a regulatory communications act (RIPA 2000). Tell her what she did is illegal and her paranoia is no excuse, then drop her. She is not your friend.

I would tell her thst if her anxiety and paranoia cause her to secret record friends, then she needs to seek immediate help from her GP and mental health professionals.

There's no way in hell I would be anywhere near her.

Do you mean the Regulation of Investigatory powers act? Which section? Most of that has been repealed.

Sorry, but I would be telling her straight that if she doesn't trust you enough to do this invasion of privacy then you can't be around her. Respect works both ways...I'd be fuming

she wanted to make sure we weren’t talking about her while she was gone.

we were not, we ARE now!
would be my answer

Whilst I agree she shouldn't have done this, you haven't answered the people who have asked if you did talk about her behind her back? I think that is relevant.

I understand why she did it, but I have to say this would make me rather cross. Not sure I would want to meet up with her again anytime soon. I'd feel a bit violated.

I think it's creepy and weird. It also suggests that she doesn't really think that much of you as a friend if she thinks you're the type of person who would talk about it while she was in the toilets. I doubt it would just be the first and only time if she didn't hear anything she'd probably do it every time you met just in case. Additionally you might want to briefly tell your other friend something private ,nothing to do with The One recording, but your own private concern. How would you have felt if you had have confided in your other friend about something something ? What if you invite her to your house and she plants a recording device to see if you talk about when she's not there?

Actually yes but parts that were repealed were covered by other laws, in this specific case Investigatory Powers Act 2016, Section 3 - unlawful interception of communication (using a telephony device to record without permission)

Not only that but there's now a thread about her on MN.

That is toxic as hell. I'd be wondering 1. how long has she been doing this. 2. what other sly things has she been doing and 3. does she bitch about me the minute my back is turned and is that why she thinks people do it to her.

I couldn't stomach sitting across from someone smiling at me and pretending to be my friend whilst slyly doing shit like this.

What she did was illegal. Search 'audio recording (not part of the conversation)'. For some reason, it's different to video recording..

E.g. "Justice directory".

"Recording a conversation between two or more people when you are not a party is called interception. This is a criminal offence. The Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act 2000 (RIPA) makes intentional interception of communications a crime. This applies when you place a listening device to secretly record a conversation between others."

I am no expert and I don't think you care about the legality. This is extreme behaviour and I wouldn't want to continue the friendship because you will never trust her again.

As others have said, it’s against the law.
I also think she needs professional help, and that you should be very careful in your dealings with her. I’ve known people with similar issues with insecurity and jealousy about friend groups, and it always gets ugly.

Where does all this leave us with the new glasses that can video everything?

Ask people to leave their creep glasses at home.