AIBU to think secretly recording friends is a major breach of trust?

[cheesecakesaturday]

I met two friends for coffee this morning, one of whom I’ve known for years, the other one I only met last year but we’ve become close and introduced them a few months ago. We’d been chatting for about half an hour when the one I’ve known longer went to the loo leaving her handbag on the chair.

When she came back she picked her bag up and accidentally dropped it on the floor, her phone fell out and the screen lit up. At a quick glance it looked like the Voice Memos app and there was recording in progress as I could clearly see a timer counting up.

She grabbed it very quickly, locked the screen and put it back in her bag. I didn’t say anything because I was so taken aback.

After we said goodbye to the other friend about half an hour later, I psyched myself up the courage and asked her why she was voice recording us. She looked embarrassed and admitted she’d started recording before she went to the toilet because she wanted to make sure we weren’t talking about her while she was gone. She said she was jealous and worried about being replaced by my new friend as she’d had experiences of being abandoned in the past.

I honestly didn’t know what to say. On one hand, I feel quite sad for her if she genuinely feels that anxious. On the other, I think secretly recording your friends, even for that reason, is a huge breach of trust.

AIBU to think this is a massive breach of trust, or am I catastrophising?

It's a shame she feels the way she does, but that doesn't give her the right to secretly record you. She needs therapy.

How many other times has she done it and you haven't realised? What if your other friend was talking about something private she didn't want this one to know? Or you even.

Whether it’s actually illegal or not is a red herring.

If my friend distrusts me to the extent that she records my conversations then I can no longer trust her at all.

On top of which I’d be extremely hurt.

There’s no coming back from that.

Ditch or every meeting she'd have to be patted down !

Same

I wouldn't. I'd be horrified, disgusted and betrayed.

What a weirdo. Sorry but that’s really creepy. Who does that?!

There’s being compassionate and there’s being compassionate. Suppose she ups her game? Stalks the friends? I mean if anything she needs therapy.

They don't have a reasonable expectation of privacy in a cafe (I assume that is where they had coffee). As anyone else could overhear them, even if not specifically the OP's friend. And there could be CCTV, too.

I can certainly understand wanting to know what others say about you when you are not there. And this isn't an unusual wish. There are examples in literature, e.g. when Lucy uses a spell to hear what her friends are saying about her in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

Most people might not actually do it (or maybe they would, if they were sure of not getting caught), but if you feel like you've been betrayed before in that regard, it's understandable you might be more willing to cross that line.

So yes, it was a breach of trust if she was incorrect in this case, and you weren't talking about her. But if you had been, then there wouldn't have been any trust to breach from your side already. So I can see her reasoning, even if I wouldn't do it myself.

And I wonder how much of the reaction from others is truly righteous indignation, and how much is defensiveness, because they have been mean about friends behind their backs, and would feel guilty if they'd heard it.

This, fed up with the rhetoric that “I’ve got anxiety/depression being an excuse to act shitty.

Actually I think it is illegal to record a conversation without consent. But I can't imagine the police or any lawyer being interested in this kind of situation where nothing sinister was going on.

@cheesecakesaturday its creepy but she has very much just ruined the entire friendship and betrayed trust.

I would be massively questioning the friendship at this point, but she also needs to come clean to the other person about what she did.

How unhinged, i wouldn’t remain friends with someone like that.

I couldn't have anything to do with somone so paranoid neurotic and unhinged and would lose instant respect for her

She can justify however she wants it is wrong

Shocking behaviour! I would not see her again I cannot imagine anyone I know doing this! Awful breach of trust.

I think it might be illegal as she was recording a conversation that she wasn't a part of: https://policing.uk/know-your-rights/is-it-illegal-to-record-a-conversation-uk

But leaving legality aside, I wouldn't trust her again. Friends don't spy on each other.

It’s borderline illegal and it’s certainly abusive to record someone without their consent in this context. I wouldn’t stay friends with someone who did this to me.
Letting people “with anxiety” do whatever the fuck they want isn’t supportive.

Bea from Eastenders behaviour.

Even if the OP had been mean about her friend while she was in the toilet, covertly recording the conversation is still a terrible breach of trust.

“you were being mean so it’s ok that I spied on you” really isn’t a reasonable excuse.

It’s sly, and that would put me right off a person. Wouldn’t be able to trust them with the smallest thing.

However reasonable her justification may be, she’s not entitled to abuse another person’s trust to help handle her own emotions.

This only has relevance to law enforcement agencies, it doesn't apply in this situation.
It's likely to be a civil matter rather than anything strictly illegal.
Still weird AF though and I wouldn't be continuing the friendship if it happened to me.

No, it's not, this wouldn't fall under the category of interception as it's recording live not 'intercepting' anything.

I'll probably go against the grain here but it depends on what her overall personality is like. If she's a genuinely lovely person and loyal friend but suffers from self-esteem issues, I'd probably have a chat, explain how uncomfortable it made me feel and that I couldn't continue to be friends with someone if it continued but I wouldn't end the friendship.

If they're otherwise a bit toxic/bitchy and have a past of strange behaviour then I'd distance myself from her as much as possible.

WTAF?

That is a shocking breach of trust.
I would feel stunned, sad for her, but also it would definitely would make me seriously doubt her judgement.
That would mean I would be censoring myself with her going forward.
Trust would be lost.

I’m afraid it would be the end of the friendship for me - it’s a huge breach of trust and, yes, likely illegal. I’d contact her to tell her that I feel this way and that I think she needs to speak to her GP and get some counselling because that level of paranoia and the behaviour it is fuelling is concerning. I’d also share what has happened with the other friend so that they can make an informed decision as to whether and how they wish to continue their friendship.

From what I understand it [not a legal expert] - her actions ARE illegal as you can only record conversations between private individuals if you are a part of that conversation. The fact that she recorded the conversation you were having when she went to the loo specifically to hear what you were saying about her in her absence makes it illegal. Whilst the conversation is in a public space, she was not a party to it, did not have your consent and whilst you could be overheard by others or may even have been on CCTV (that you consent to being on by using the premises in the knowledge of the CCTV, as signposted on the door/till).