How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

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SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

she has no savings and he controls the money, so it’s his income not hers.

I’m not sure how modern technology has made parenting a 2 year old easier 🤣

Anyone not seeing this for exactly what it is, is being a little bit thick.

There’s a huge power imbalance between a young woman who has just left uni, with zero life experience, and a much older, experienced man. He’s protected himself by not marrying her and not putting her name on their home. He would have known full well that she had no entitlement to anything. She obviously didn’t understand what a stupid decision it was to go along with this because look at the situation she’s found herself in now. He’s completely in charge of every penny she spends. She has nothing. He has everything, along with someone much younger to raise his children and clean his house.

She might have agreed to be responsible for childcare and housework between the hours of 9-5, but outside of those times, it should be 50/50. You cannot live with your children but buy your way out of parenting them. Nor do you suddenly become exempt from doing the dishes after dinner if the sahp is doing the same hours as you. If you think otherwise then you’re condoning indentured servitude.

I am always amazed and bemused at men who want their only contribution to a relationship and family life to be their wallet. It’s the easy option as it means they get the benefit of a wife for domestic labour and their “legacy” while their day to day labour remains unchanged.

You probably have a washing machine, maybe a tumble dryer, dishwasher and hoover!!!

Do you have a mum and dad Op? I’d confide in them.
Even if there has been a fall out, perhaps they’ve told you how silly your life choices are, when push comes to shove most parents would assist you. Don’t put off seeking support because you are embarrassed.

No as if you ask for cashback at the checkout it only shows on the receipt the bank statement will only show in what shop the op was in.

You can do ALOT of jobs with a pharmacy degree. You don't have to have qualified as a pharmacist. The degree itself will be useful. Have you looked at medical writing for example? Or regulatory affairs? Just Google or perhaps contact the university where you did your degree. And don't worry that you have forgotten stuff. Once you decide on the area where you want to work you can focus on that area.

But unfortunately OP is the one starting a thread wondering how she can leave her DP, when she has no job and not even any job history, whereas her DP could ask her to leave without any such worries and simply employ a housekeeper and a nanny to cover the things that OP currently does.

So from that perspective, his role is rather more pivotal than OP's.

OP where abouts are you in the country? Just roughly? Only because I worked in FMCG for medicines and you could apply for entry level medical / regulatory/ R&D roles with your degree. Happy to help and provide some guidance if needed.

I’m sorry to say it OP but to get out of this you are going to have to be very smart, very thoughtful and very calm. You will need to start saving money, however you can get it for some start on an escape fund. Start by saving cash and keep it.

Your pre-school child will need to go to daycare or you will have to wait it out and think about this when that child is in Primary. In the meantime you need to train, take any kind of work that you can find (evenings, home working) and build up something.

Any family, friends that you have now you need to lean on and nurture contacts.

You could get married to divorce, but a divorce is not easy. You’ll be entitled to child maintenance from him but prepare for him to pay minimum. Anything above this is not certain. He sounds financially abusive and calculated. He put you in a dependent situation.

Oh I think you have written before. I remember not being married (as a SAHM that is madness) and the age gap.

When you say he won’t pay for childcare - what would he do if you just arranged and paid for it? Do you not have full access to finances?

This is a woman who is university educated - presumably she had a say in her choices to leave herself so financially vulnerable?

If you don't think it's ok why did you get pregnant a second time? Have you got parents? Friends? Siblings? Can you move in with them while you get on your feet. Do you want to work?

Whatever you do don't get pregnant again.

Unfortunately you have left yourself vulnerable by not being self sufficient financially and relying on a lazy DP who financially abuses you. Being unmarried also gives you less protection but I definitely would not go down the route of getting married now. I personally would explore what benefits you would receive if you left and work towards getting back into the workplace. He will have to pay child support but high earners tend to find ways to make their income lower on paper to minimise that. You can usually get an initial free consultation with a solicitor to see what he thinks your best plan would be.

She would have only been 21. Who knows how every thing works at that age? He was 40 and would have known.

@Cornishclio He won't have to pay anything if he requests 50/50 shared care.

With no money for a solicitor I’d try CAB or council welfare rights and women’s aid.
I’d not rock the boat at home. She is reliant on his goodwill to stay. Get ducks in tow behind scenes.
If he asks her to leave tonight and she has nowhere to go she will have to leave the children with him. He can pay for a nanny and housekeeper. I wouldn’t encourage Op to make any rash demands that could see her separated from her small children.

I'm a working parent. I get more breaks at work than I do at home. I also don't get to just do my 40 hours and then enjoy my evenings and weekends. The parenting job starts at 6.30am, if you have a child who settles to sleep well they may be asleep by 7.30pm but then there's housework to do. If children are school age I could agree with the SAHP doing everything as they have downtime when the child's at school, but not younger children. A SAHP doing everything in the home and all the childcare is doing a lot more than someone just doing a full time job. Either way, the SAHP should be getting a share of the working parents income and be named on the home.

These proposals are horrendous. People should not get themselves into these situation in the first place.

Thats housework not the actual parenting.

But it frees up your time to parent!!!

He will have to do 50 percent of the shared care though and OP will be able to do some catch up with her degree and get back into the job market.

You know next to nothing about the situation, only the brief details OP has shared.

Jumping to such conclusions on scant evidence is “a little bit thick”.

I have a high responsibility role, long hours, commute etc. But being a parent is 10 times harder. My work comes with extensive training, backup from many others, sick leave, carers leave, annual leave, pension. If I'm off sick, someone will cover for me. If I go on holiday, someone covers for me. If OP is sick, she has to get on with it, no holidays, no back up, no support. Usually as parents the other one pucks up the slack if one is struggling. If DH is off sick, I don't expect him to just do everything just because he is off, I expect to have to do childcare, housework etc when I get back from work.

And OP's partner sounds like he owns the company, he is his own boss, can decide his own hours, can ask his employees to cover things for him presumably.

For the hours partner is working - the house and children are OP's responsibility. Evenings and weekends are 50:50. Nights should be OP's when partner working following day, and partners when they aren't.