How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

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SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

And her job will be a LOT less stressful!! She can chose how much or how little she does each day. She won’t have any deadlines and can make her own schedule. She’s her OWN boss!!!! It’s definitely A LOT easier!!!

I've just done a very quick calculation on CMS for you, and it looks like you would be able to get £1,400 a month. This is enough to rent a small property and pay the bills, and I assume you will be getting child benefit etc as well.

It's not living the high life, but it is enough for you to get away and get back on your feet until you work out what you can do with your own career.

This is a much, much stronger position than most SAHMs are in.

I don't understand.

Was he this financially controlling when you first started living together?
When you agreed to have a baby and be a SAHM what provision did you both agree to regarding YOUR finances and pension future?

Why did you have a second child by him?

And you have never earned a penny to support your family. Neither is OK.

Your husband doesn't earn £14,000 a month for doing nothing. He must work long hours in a stressful job. If you have no commitments outside your home and family, it's not unreasonable to expect you to do the lion's share of the work at home.

That obviously doesn't mean you have to stay with him if staying would be intolerable, but it does mean that - like most single parents - you will still have to look after your children and home on your own and probably work outside the home as well. If you think being a single parent means less work you are wrong, especially as you don't have the legal protection that being his wife would have given you.

Many of us know, from bitter experience, that there is no "have" about it, no matter what they are directed to do,

Many of us know, also from bitter experience, that there is no "have" about having to have the children for a set amount of time. If he doesn't want to do it, then he simply won't.

I'm not saying that this applies to all men but it certainly applies to some and it is always worth thinking about, just in case yours is one of the some!

If you told him you’d like to re-train, would he support you with childcare, cleaner etc once the child was in nursery? Appreciate you say he won’t do that now, but if you had a plan in place he might see that differently. Do you’d be contributing to the pot. But you’d be better off saving it, to leave.

Is he interested in your future plans at all?

Do you have access to any of the money?

Is he kind in other regards?

Your part in this relationship was to have children and raise them, look after the home while he went to work? He’s a very high earner so I presume you have a beautiful home albeit his and holidays etc. I’m sure he had bought you a car . Basically you are a kept woman but you knew that as a young graduate with a rich older boyfriend. Isn’t that what you signed up for? If you want to be an equal in the relationship then you should go back to studying or get a job. Then pay half each for childcare and a cleaner if you don’t want to look after the home and children full time. Do you still love each other?

Agreed. Posters calling this abuse are being ridiculous.

Wtf so because the works and provides it means he cannot partake in family life? Do his share? At the weekends? The odd bedtime or dinner in the week? Take that attitude back to 1953. Women in 2026 are sick to death of men like this. Cue the make loneliness epidemic and crashing birth rates

I have a feeling that when it comes time to declare his income for child support purposes, you’ll suddenly find that his business is going through a tough spot and he’s had to cut his salary down to £70 a week.

OP, you are the perfect example of exactly what not to do. You’ve made the most short sighted decisions and you’ve put yourself in a position where, unless he suddenly turns into a decent person, you’ve got a few years of being absolutely skint in front of you.

Do you have any support around you? Any family members you could stay with until you get yourself up on your feet? If not, then you need to speak to Women’s Aid or a Benefits Advisor at the Citizens Advice Bureau. You have children so if you turn up at the council offices and tell them that you’ve broken up with your partner and he has thrown you and the children out of his property (eg, you have not made yourself intentionally homeless), they have a duty of care to ensure your children are accommodated. It will be temporary (probably an B&B) and it might not be what you’re used to, but you’ll have a roof over your head. The danger you’ll have here is that it’ll be a big jump from what you’re used to and once you’ve left, there’s unlikely to be any going back if you struggle to cope with it. The other option would be if he let you stay in a separate room of the house, and you lodge a claim for benefits while you either refresh your qualifications or find work. But that depends on his good nature, or him not wanting anyone to think badly of him.

What access do you have to money? Could you refresh your qualifications before leaving him? If he asks why, tell him that you were thinking of what you’ll do when the children are in school. Ordinarily I’d say that was a pretty shitty thing to do to someone, but as he seems to think that him earning the money absolves him from any housework or parenting at all, I think that if he wants to treat you like a permanently on call employee then he can start paying for a permanently on call employee.

OP won’t get that. You don’t get to own your own company and bring home £14k a month without knowing how to dodge maintenance or retain a top accountant that will do it for you. It’s so easy to hide money when you are self employed.

If he’s high net worth then seek some specialist legal advice re a schedule 1 Children Act Application.
https://www.weightmans.com/insights/what-is-schedule-1-children-act-1989-your-questions-answered/#what-is-schedule-1-children-act

I think the issue here is OP isn’t on the deeds and can be turfed out of the house at any time. She doesn’t have any savings and doesn’t have any means of income so is completely reliant on her partner. He has a live in maid and nanny and keeps all his salary and assets, pension, career prospects. It is an incredibly vulnerable position for OP and she is entirely dependent on his whims.

If I was a SAHM with a high earning partner working long hours I wouldn’t expect them to do housework, appointment's as that’s not the agreement you have OP. If you try and renegotiate and ask to go to work instead you’ll know how he really feels. Nursery is good for little ones too. Do you get out much?
or no money allowed to do stuff?

I'm sorry this won't please you, but I do. He thinks that's what you agreed to. He thinks that what SAHM means.

It's exactly what SAHM meant when I was growing up with a SAHM and it works well for many couples, especially when the kids are in school.

It sounds like it's you that's changing the agreement, not him.

I assume the £14k a month household income and never having to have worked sweetened the sound of it somewhat

Just because degree in pharmacy doesn’t mean you have to work in that field. Lots of jobs just require a degree.
Op can’t register matrimonial home rights as she’s unmarried. If you are married living in a house owned by your husband you can register your interest to avoid being turned out on street. As things stand with Op if she puts her foot down and says anything and he says ok then you go she’s out on street tonight. She has less rights than a lodger.
She’s in an extremely precarious position.

That makes him sound even more terrible. All that money and no savings or property in your name, nor will he pay for childcare so you can retrain and work. Awful man.

OP, how on earth did you arrive at this position. You’re in very precarious circumstances - not married so no claim on your shared home, no income and no savings, and presumably no access to money apart from what you need to run the home.

How is he with money ? How does he treat you generally ? Is he open to the suggestion that you go to work when the children are in school ?

I think you need to think carefully about your next steps. You need a job and financial independence. So step one is to think about what you can do. You have a degree so that's a starting point.

Some SAHM’s seems to me want it all!!! They want to be financially supported but they DON’T want to do the work!!! They expect their husbands/partners to do their job for them. They are being very UNREASONABLE!!! Working full time is stressful and exhausting (especially if you have a commute.) There is NO comparison. Parenting has never been easier with all the modern technology we have today!!!
(Both parents should want to actively parent. BUT if you’re working full time you need a break as well. Being a SAHM means you can have a “lazy” day if you’re tired.)

My partner does “nothing“ except work and pay for everything

why don’t you value his contribution to you life/ lifestyle?

earning £14k a month i doubt his job is a walk in the park

This thread sounds very much like a previous one where the OP was pretty much asking for advice as to whether she should marry her DP and divorce soon after.

Could you talk to him about you starting to get back to work? Doing a refresher course? Say you want to get back to work when the children are in school so you want to get your qualifications in order now?

If you can build up your qualifications and find a job in the next few years then leaving would be much easier

It's going to be a while as it's only in consultation right now, and you will need to hope that a change at the next election won't stop progress, but this will help you if you are still together at that point, and others like you.

www.gov.uk/government/news/millions-of-unmarried-couples-to-get-stronger-rights