How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

[Optionsneeded]

SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

She probably does. The two children under five aren’t operating them though, are they? Is she supposed to just put them in a cupboard until she’s cleaned and tidied the entire house, done the laundry, cut the grass, done the shopping, organised dinner etc? Or just work til midnight each day so she can fit in enriching her children’s lives as well? When is her time to relax?

And he earns 14k a month because he owns the company. That doesn’t mean he’s doing backbreaking work each day. He could just as easily be sat in a swivel chair, taking the odd phone call, going out to lunch and having adult conversations while she’s up to her elbows in toddler deitrus. Hardly the same thing.

Tell him you want to retrain and need child/house help to do so. Tell him he’ll also be helping with kids /house at weekend. Let him huff and puff but ensure he does his chores. He’s not from the 1950s, he knows perfectly well you’re not his servant.

My husband is 18 years older and tries it on but I tell him off.It’s a drag telling him what to do all the time to be honest but it’s either that or I do everything and that’s not happening. He’s the master of weaponised incompetence! If your bloke tries the “I work hard all day” nonsense, put him in his place. You could fake illness for a couple of days and let him do your work.

I don’t know anything about pharmaceuticals but see if there’s a refresher oourse? You’re still the same person as when you passed your degree and you will be able to pick it up again.

Once you’ve re-established yourself work towards getting a solicitor and ending the relationship.

I don’t know how closely you feel you need to hold your cards to your chest? Is he cohesive/abusive? Will he weaponise the kids and try and take them? If not, maybe just an honest conversation with him? Sounds like he’s infantilised you might be shocked to find you’re a grown woman!

If you do think he’ll try physically or mentally abuse you then get help. Remember that keeping you from money if financial abuse. Being a stay at home mum doesn’t me you’re a slave and if it does, he’s breaking the law.

@Crumpetring Before the invention of white goods, housework and washing took all day. Before supermarkets, you had to shop (probably without a car) to multiple shops. We now have online shopping. All these things mean you have MORE time to parent!!!

They do cover cohabitation v marriage in phse at school (my dd is a little younger than op and definitely did) Plus easily checked online.
What’s done is done though. I’m sure Op regrets her life choices.
If Op was my dd I’d want to help her even if she’s been foolish.

Where are you in UK? If in Scotland, you may have some options as a cohabitee, albeit less straightforward than as a spouse. Check out Gow v Grant

If he's such a high earner, would he be willing to pay for nurserry, cleaner, housekeeper, gardener, dog walker, ironing etc? Perhaps this would free up time for you to retrain or look for work

You say that "all he does" is work full time and pay the bills. I'm guessing he must work v hard, with that income. TBH, I've known several high earners and they did v little at home

But the whole "man with a big job / SAHM" only works if both panties are genuinely happy with it

And if you separate, you may find yourself working full time AND doing everything for the kids / household, as he''d probably be a Disney Dad who takes them out on Saturdays

You have really screwed yourself over here. Start by taking advice from women’s aid or citizens advice. Does he monitor your spends or can you start moving some money into a savings account for yourself?

when you leave you will be entitled to cms and can use the calculators online to get an idea

Do you have any jewellery or high cost items that he’s gifted you to pawn or sell? That may be a leaving him fund.

Sadly im afraid you've made some poor choices which leave you in a very difficult situation.

Due to being unmarried and allowing your partner to exclude you from finances like the mortgage and family finances all you can do is leave him and claim csa from him - you dont really have a leg to stand on due to not being married. This is why on here so many of us strongly advise women not to have a child with a man without being married first - marriage is an important legal protection intended to avoid exactly this sort of situation.

You need to start by looking for a job.

@Wolfpa Her partner sounds coercively controlling to me. The exact sort that would ask the Courts for 50/50 so no maintenance due.

You really don’t think a man 19 years older, with his own home and business, would have been unaware that she wouldn’t have been entitled to anything? Less of a jump to that conclusion and more of a shuffle.

I stand by what I said.

What does your parents, siblings and friends think of your situation @Optionsneeded ? Where did you meet your partner ? Why did you agree to be an unmarried sahm?

OP, ignore all the unhelpful people telling you off. You have a good degree and you will be able to use it to have a good career. For the time being, insist on a cleaner and other help so you can catch up in what you have forgotten and can focus on a career eg in the pharmaceutical industry.

Thus! Very well put!

Yes the he won’t want 50/50 as he won’t want the kids isn’t a given. He can afford a nanny/nannies and housekeeper. So move out his 25 yr old girlfriend and move in a 25 yr old nanny. Realistically if he’s mid 40s and wealthy he’ll probably quickly meet a new gullible gf happy to move in and take over some of the tasks.

SAHP’s had it much HARDER in the past, and managed to bring up decent human beings!!!

I'm the first to say ltb but Honestly on 14k pm

Get a housekeeper, get a David Lloyd membership and enjoy life..once youngest is in school retrain

There are women out there who would give their right arm to have total autonomy over house & children while their husband brought in £14,000 a month, although it's by no means ideal. Unless you lay your cards on the table & actually communicate with him seriously & say you need him to show more interest in family life in general, he may not understand how serious you are. If he knew there was a possibility you would end the relationship he might think about changing his ways.

So she can screw over her husband? She's got a fucking degree, surely she's above sponging off a man!

OP if you want to leave and are unhappy, it's a difficult but not insurmountable situation. Do you have support from family? Could you move in with a family member temporarily?

I would make an appointment with Citizen's Advice, they will help you assess your financial situation. You would be able to apply for child support and universal credit, you may be able to access free childcare. You will need to secure employment, there are many jobs that you can do training for while you're working - care work, learning support assistant, probation service, youth work - there are opportunities to train as you work and advance pretty quickly.

Him being a useless husband is shitty. Her making sensible steps to leave is not. At least if they were married they would share marital assets.

🤦‍♀️ You’re completely missing the point. Yes, decades ago, before white goods were common, it did take longer to do the housework. But a)parenting standards have changed completely since those times. You can’t spank your children into behaving themselves. You can’t turn young children out on the street to play with other children in the neighbourhood and call them home again when the street lights come on. And b) it was far more common for parents to be married before having children, which gave them some protection if they wanted to leave. They didn’t automatically become homeless.

Get married and then get half. This is old school advice but it will be best for you and your young children.

Will He marry you? If so I’d go for that approach even you eventually end up spitting up?

We crossed posts.

There is nothing wrong with “just walking away”. Why do people fetishise staying in a relationship just because.