How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

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SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

That isn’t ok, but I would never have got together with someone like that, let alone had a baby with him. I certainly would not have had a second baby.

It’s very sad you are in that situation-have you contacted CAB for advice?

What was the job you were qualified in?

you need to either make yourself homeless with two children or get a job and save for a deposit for somewhere to live.
childcare would need to be paid for by you presumably as well.
You can claim UC to top up your earnings if necessary and you can claim child benefit etc. but you would need to leave first and I imagine that’s the hard bit.
do you have family that could help for the interim.

That’s a lot of assumptions based on nothing!

For all we know the OP spotted a high earner and lied about being on contraception because she was feeling broody and didn’t fancy getting a job. She could have trapped him and told him that she would go back to work as soon as possible.

I’m not saying I think that’s what happened, just that we can’t make assumptions. Why does MN always perceive the women to be the victim? We are not all that stupid. The OP was a graduate, and while it’s possible that she was a bit naive, it’s also possible that she knew exactly what she was doing and just didn’t appreciate the drudgery of being a SaHM to two children.

That's an insane amount of money. In the interim would he be prepared to pay for a cleaner? However did you get yourself into this situation OP?

FWIW It’s all very well to call yourself a SAHM, but in my experience, you’re just unemployed. While not exclusively, IME SAHM have worked, are married, are a bit older and financially comfortable on one salary. They are SAHM due to financial security and not financial vulnerability. Obviously not everyone, but the vast majority. You bought a dream and a lie.

If you are a SAHM, then these are jobs that you should have plenty of time to do and they are part of being a SAHM. If he’s not working at the weekend, yes he should help more.

Sounds more and more like financial abuse. Speak to women’s aid.

If he has his own company be prepared for him to find a legal loophole of not having to pay any maintenance.

If he's earning 14k a month then get some help in. Stop cleaning, start studying.

As others have said OP can’t MAKE the father pay for childcare. if she leaves she still can’t make him pay for childcare so she can work/study.

I did a pharmacy degree. I never did my pre-reg years and I wouldn’t be confident at all in it anymore. I recently took a look back through all my work and I genuinely couldn’t believe that I once knew all of that. It was like reading a foreign language.

if you move into a seperate bedroom you can claim UC for yourself as a single parent and get a job and claim back 85 percent of childcare costs- you would just have to set up your own bank account, open some bills in your own name. Then hopefully this would enable you enough to save up and rent your own property. Also, put your name down on the council list as this would also show intent to move out, and you might possibly get somewhere.

"You can claim Universal Credit as a single person even if you live with your ex, provided you can demonstrate that you are no longer living together as a couple.
Eligibility and Assessment
The Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) considers two people to be a couple if they live together and share a domestic life. If you and your ex-partner live in the same property but maintain separate households—separate bedrooms, finances, and daily routines—you may still qualify for UC as a single person or single parent if you have dependent children

The DWP may request evidence to confirm that you are not living as a couple, such as separate bills, bank accounts, or documentation showing independent living arrangements. "

She said they agreed for her to be a SAHM, so we aren’t making assumptions. There’s no support for her to work clearly so this tracks with the rest of the story. And if she trapped him by lying about contraception , then she did it again a couple of years later for baby 2 then he’s particularly stupid isn’t he? Some of us do seem to be a bit dim in jumping to massive conclusions that are at odds with the information given.

op, have you no access to money? It does sound like financial abuse. Do you have parents who would help? As a job and some funds would make a big difference, and some support with the children would make a big difference to that. Have you had a conversation with him that you’d like to go back to work or study?

OP, is there a reason you aren't married?

I’m confused about why you can’t leave. How do the day to day finances work? Do you have a card with any money? Does he regularly check it?

IMO you should contact a charity to check your options.

She literally wrote "We are not married"!

The man has probably said no as is his right.

It's not as though OP can click her fingers and suddenly they are married.

Often you can do a refresher course for these types of professions, they are designed for getting people with the relevant training who have had a gap to get back into the profession.

Here for example: https://pharmacistsupport.org/i-need-help-managing-my/work-life/returning-pharmacy-practice/

Have you actually added anything meaningful by your comment?

In case you're in doubt, no. No, you haven't.

And you have?

There's so many posters saying just get married without thinking that there's another autonomous person in their relationship who might not want to.

OP, I'm surprised more posters don't understand this point.

You are being financially abused by your much older partner. This website might help explain it: https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-is-economic-abuse/

Essentially, he is sabotaging your income and access to money by refusing to do his share of childcare or pay for childcare while you work/retrain. This can be considered a form of coercive and controlling behaviour.

In your situation, I'd seek advice before deciding on what steps you want to take. It's not necessarily the case that you would be entitled to nothing but CM - sch1 of the Children Act 1989 allows claims to be made against a high-earning parent, even when the parents are unmarried.

She gets paid by having her home, bills, food and spending taken care of, so she is not a slave, by how it's defined. Yes, and single people in full time work struggle massively for free time or just don't have kids or clean homes. And those single people keep all of their money while looking after their house. So they don't build up resentment for themselves while looking after themselves.. if I were working full time and had to share half my earnings with another person, I would expect them to sort the house and part-time childcare without complaining about it. Schools do the other half.

My husband and I are completely equal in our marriage, but when we started a family and I gave up work, our responsibilities became clear. I ran the house and mainly brought up our children and never expected him to do the laundry etc. As he was the high earner (and always would be) he worked very long hours and brought in the money and I feel very privileged that I was able and happy to bring up our children. I could have sent them to a childminder etc, but was never bored at home. He didn't do bath time etc and was never keen on babies and small children, but my biological clock kicked in! However, he was absolutely brilliant when our children hit their teenage years and needed advice re school work etc. He and I have completely different talents and abilities with regard to children. Our way worked well for us. No judgement for others who choose or are forced in to a different way.

He will work 5 days a week for 10 hours a day ("big" job with commute) with 6 weeks holiday. She works 7 days a week for 16 hours a day (plus any child waking in the night) with no holiday.

He hasn’t ever used our vacuum, put something into our dishwasher, taken the bins out, bathed our children, cooked our children a meal, changed the sheets, attended a kids medical appointment, tidied up our children’s toys. Do you honestly think that is ok?

Please make sure you have watertight contraception and don't have any more children with this financial abuser. You are in an extremely vulnerable position. It sounds like he managed to bag himself a free housekeeper who happens to be the mother of his children.

Can you do a refresher course? If not, there are always positions in pharmacies so while you may not be the pharmacist you will have more to offer than someone who has just left school.

Even if paying for childcare takes most of your salary, getting back into the workplace will make you more employable. Will your wealthy partner pay for a cleaner?

Please don’t marry him!

can you access some child care for your kids? Perhaps apply to some local
pharmacies for work? Even behind the counter or dispensing jobs just to get some experience and build your confidence gradually. It will get you out of the house, start earning some money, and provide a stepping stone for further training