How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

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SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

Firstly, he would have spent some or all of that money. Secondly if OP had qualified she could have been earning 40 to 60k herself by now without having to spend all her time looking after children and doing all the housework. Having children with him doesn't seem like a big pull to me.

We met at a wedding

So you met a man who was 20 years older than you at a wedding, and though it was a good idea to go out with him?
You must have friends or family in common to have been at the same wedding. None of these people raised an eyebrow, or reminded you of your dream (presumably) of being a pharmacist?

Particularly as
My father is dead. which is something I wondered when reading this thread (but I will let you do your own amateur psychology)

He was the instigator of having children so quickly.
Which makes sense from his perspective due to his age, but where was your agency in this? Presumably you were both happy to go along with it and to agree to be a SAHM and not a pharmacist? How does a university student go from wanting to do a vocational degree to wanting to give it all up and look after young children within the space of not-very-long?

I do agree that OP's DP should be doing housework/childcare. I admit I can't conceive of "absolutley nothing" and wonder what this looks like in practice. He never does anything with his children, or put out the bins (to quote the stereotypical thing that even useless men seem to manage)? He didn't have a cleaner before you moved in that he just kept on?

Start selling old kids clothes etc bits on Vinted for example and put money in an account of your own he doesn’t know about.

In that case, how are you SO SURE that being a SAHP is SO EASY, having never BEEN in that position yourself?
Oops, forgot the obligatory exclamation marks
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I have read all OP's replies.

Including the one where she said he refuses to pay for any cleaning or childcare help.

And the one where she said that he scrutinises every bill/statement, and if there's anything on there that he hasn't agreed to her buying she has to justify it to him. To the point that she said it's not worth doing it.

And the one where she said that he would probably tell people that she has 'access to everything' as they have a joint account, but that's absolutely not the case.

He is clearly completely controlling her financially.

@JustLetMeHave I've been both. Unfortunately the SAHM was mostly through control.
I found SAHM far, far easier than a being a working mum. But also did not enjoy losing "me" or my independence. Would not recommend.

OP chose to have babies early with older, rich guy instead of finishing her studies. Come on, she would have had many relatives telling her at the time that it was a bad idea (and to do it without getting married in the first place) and advising her to finish her studies first and find a job. But she refused to listen to reason. She woke up 5 years later with 2 small children and decided she doesn't want to live like that anymore. It is not a taxpayer responsibility to bail out partners of millionaires who made some poor decisions (including having the second child when she already knew how things were with the partner). Women should be educated in the secondary school about the legal and real dangers of such poor decisions. But these were still her decisions - let's not infantilise women here. Either they are equal in brain power to men or not. I don't believe that she wouldn't know, having studied pharmacy, what she was getting herself into. She is intelligent!

OP not sure what your cupboard stores are like but can you buy a little less at the shops and buy gift cards at the till that you can use for after you leave him.

Can you say you might have to go to Lidl/ talk more about costs if he’s always looking at what you spend and then go back to regular spending in the shops but still adding on a bit on a gift card. Can you do this at the petrol station?

Can you sell things? I was the child in this situation before and we sold off my old toys and clothes and anything hidden around the house. At least you get cash that way. It was easier when we left when I was younger as now it’s a more cashless society and we could get money from around the house.

Would it be possible to get cash from him by saying the children wanted to do something like a fair etc. then you can just go out without him if he doesn’t want to parent? Wpuld he pay for you to join a gym? If so could it be one with a crèche?

Can you buy the children’s clothes at one place on a card but then return them for credit/workwear for you/food in the future and buy the children cheaper clothes using your love to shop or similar voucher.

What is the point of constantly berating OP for decisions she made years ago? She already knows it was a bad decision and is looking for a way to leave. Noone has suggested she lives on benefits for the rest of her life.She has a degree and the potential to earn well in the future.

No it isn't. It might be there but there's nothing in her posts to suggest it. He earns the money and deals with paying the household finances. She stays at home and deals with the children and looking after the home. It's not an uncommon split of domestic life. You're looking for problems that aren't there.

Why would he pay for childcare or cleaning? That's her part of the deal. Do you expect her to be a SAHM but not do any childcare or household management?

@HoskinsChoice With him bringing in £14k a month I think a cleaner would be reasonable?!!!

The childcare would be so that she can finish her studies and get back to a career. The cleaning will be for his share at the weekends.

Has OP actually said to her husband she wants to go back to work?

Does she want to go back to work?

Lots of assumptions in this thread.

She says it in her OP!

Has this thread been hijacked by incels or what? I've never seen a thread on here where an abused woman is being so demonised, usually there's lots of support and advice.

Incels and/or school children I would say.

Totally agree...also

OP hasn't mentioned, yet, that he's violent to her and locks her in a room if she so much as spends a penny outside of his say so.

OP you really need to stop being so negative, you make it sound like a teenager that's not getting their own way when asked anything about why your DP questions your spending.

Exactly why is it more aggro to explain to him why you've spent money and how it's quite normal to need to spend on certain items. You need to stop backing down, stand up have an adult conversation and tell him that whether he likes it or not things cost and if he won't let you continue with your studies it's him that's going to cover those costs.

This was my thought entirely. She isn't a stupid airhead. She is smart enough to get into university to study Pharmaceuticals. She knows how family planning works!!!!! Yet is incapable of making mature decisions to protect herself, her career and her future.
The taxpayer is paying to educate people like her. Only for them to throw it all away, doss about at home and spend someone else's money and then wake up and smell the coffee a few years later.

It did occur to me ages ago that it's the latter...

I don't expect him to pay for cleaning or childcare.

I have no expectations of him at all, as he is not part of my life.

I was replying to a PP whose advice to OP was get a cleaner and childcare and either go to work or study for the requirements to return to a pharmaceutical career.

She has explained, at length, why this would not be possible.

Eta : if you're interested you can read that thread of posts if you click on the link in my previous post.

No she doesn’t. She doesn’t say she wants to go back to work, she gives reasons why she can’t.

The school holidays have just started.😂

She says she needs to retrain but has no time as he won't pay for childcare and doesn't do anything himself.

Because people think the OPmade choices and now faces the consequences? It seems very unlikely to be the viewpoint of schoolchildren.

If she wants things to change she’s going to have to stand up for herself.