How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

[Optionsneeded]

SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

Lol. As if you know any SAHM. You probably don't even know any women.😂

Unless you have another source of income you can't be a single SAHM. Maintenance for wives went out some time ago- so you would have to do it on benefits, which I wouldn't recommend- you would also have to be rehoused which is unlikely to happen quickly.
Really I think you are stuck until your children go to nursery , then you have to retrain to do something that pays reasonably well.
With the cost of childcare and housing it is going to be tough- I won't lie.

It is definitely not ok that you have to do
100% of the work at the weekends because that way you never ever get a break. My exDP was like this. My DCs are now early to mid-20s and they do get along ok with their dad but their relationship is distant. He is more like an uncle who sometimes takes them out for a fancy dinner rather than a parent who wants
to spend quality time with them and is there to give support and advice. DC1 remarked the other day about how when they visit me, we play board games, cook a meal together, have a good laugh and choose a film to watch but when they visit exDP, they cook separately and exDP carries on with life the same as if they weren’t there, so they often even end up watching separate TV programmes as well.

This. @Optionsneeded I agree women's aid is the first step for you. Good luck, you can do this.

I have sympathy for you OP but I do think you’re going to have a shock when you’re a single parent who needs to work and claim to make ends meet and you don’t have someone bankrolling you. Be prepared and don’t make any rash decisions!

OP, I have read your posts but I have not read the whole thread. I suspect you are living with domestic abuse, especially as you say your DP is very controlling over money. This is a red flag. Also the age gap makes domestic abuse more likely. I suggest you contact Women’s Aid and discuss things with them and/or your GP. I was in a very similar position to you and it was only when I mentioned to my GP that my DP was making me feel very stressed and she asked me what he was doing that I found out I was being abused. When I read the description of abuse on the Women’s Aid website, I did recognize my situation in it. My GP referred me to WA. They agreed with her and gave me a support
worker who I could call at any time. Eventually, I moved out. It took me 2 years. I also spoke to Shelter, the homeless charity. They explained to me that I could go on the council’s homeless register and they would have a legal responsibility to rehouse me within 56 days. I am in a slightly different position to you in that I am older and too ill to work. I live on benefits. You would be eligible for UC and you would get most of your rent paid. It will be hard but you will be able to survive.

Pleasd don’t do what I did and stay with your DP for 20 years. The stress of that is probably why I am now so ill.

Having been through much the same situation, couldn’t disagree more. Eventually realized (thanks for my GP) that I was living with domestic abuse. A golden cage is still a cage.

As the OP said... "he wasn't earning 'much' when she met him at a wedding aged 20. Only 120k a year 🙄,"....

I think this says it all.

The argument the state and benefits.. "taxpayers" should now help and support her because she's bored of him is laughable. People don't pay taxes to help someone like this.

She made rotten decisions as an adult. She's not sick. She's not disabled.

As she says, she has access to his money via a joint bank account.

"so what was it that attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels Miss Magee?????" errr... Remember that? Nothings changed since the 80s...

Funnily enough that quote has been running through my head while I've been reading this thread.

She can't employ a cleaner or child minder because she has no money of her own, and no access to DP's money.

He refuses to pay for any household help.

Have you actually read OP'S posts?

I wasn't responding to the OP, I was responding to a poster that claimed the OP was being abused. From what the OP has posted, there is nothing to suggest abuse. Abuse is horrific and many women (and men) suffer from it. My problem is idiots claiming abuse when it isn't there. It is deeply offensive to those who genuinely suffer and just adds more to their trauma as it is clear that people don't understand. That is my problem but I already said that. Not sure why I have to reiterate it for you.

What OP is describing is financial abuse. And quite possibly coercive control.

Financial abuse can occur in any dynamic regardless of who earns the income!!!

There is an element of financial abuse here. You might want to have a wider conversation with the national domestic abuse helpline.

You sound incredibly unhappy and even if you are a stay at home mum, you can't be expected to do everything all the time!

The key thing would be working out how you will secure housing but in terms of day to day finances, welfare will cover you.

If i were you I wouldn't worry too much about going straight back into Pharmacy straight away, start small with a job such as a TA, shop assistant etc to work around children being in nursery and help you gain your confidence.

This is why when young women are dating these older men, it’s important to tell them how dumb and stupid they are and how they’re throwing their life away. How many times do people post about their DD’s and they’re told that they are adults and poster needs to back off. I know of one other person who is like the op, threw her entire life away because she was too good to listen to anyone. She made it out in her late 40s/50 but that’s the best 3 decades of her life gone.

Op you should consult a solicitor, this is no way to live. He’s the provider but that doesn’t mean you are the family skivvy. Also not acceptable that every penny is scrutinised. You are very young and can start your life over. Sounds like he has a dinosaur mentality. Is it possible to retrain.

You think it's okay that he does literally nothing with the kids over the weekend?! Surely OP never agreed to that - it's madness and no SAHM would ever accept that. You do you but, for me, I'd be expecting more from him like OP does.

The OP never said she was sick or disabled. She was a young woman who got into a relationship with an older man who scrutinises the bills. It sounds lonely and controlling. The OP was only replying to a question.

A lot of relationships start well but the balance of power shifts when young children come along.

@Diamond7272 this is in reply to you too.

He was on 120k when she met him, it’s now £14k per month take home which means his wage is so where in the £200k bracket.

He is not a millionaire. OP could have been earning a very good salary herself if she had qualified as a pharmacist which would only have taken a further year. The relationship with him was not a good deal at all

Only mumsnet can infantilise a 20 year old woman who made her own decisions by free will.

Then chose to have 2 children.

Lived in luxury compared to 99.999% of 20-25 year old of her generation.

Had no bills. Hasn't had to pay a penny for her own upkeep.

Then got bored and is being advised that we should all pay for her next step via benefits. When she hasn't contributed a penny....

Financial abuse? Come on...

"he only earned 120k at the start"... Yeah, she loved him, sure.

Poor thing raising 2 children and not having to go out to work, rely on the goodwill of others...

Then I get called an INCEL. Good grief. Our country is broke. Benefits are not for these circumstances. She'll be grumbling next that the man won't buy her children a pony each next and he's 'cruel'...

I buy these from a joint account. But he does go through the statements and would notice if things were being spent that he hadn’t agreed to.

Have you read all OP replies?
She does have access to a joint bank account.

OP I suspect many men and women would notice and ask each other what a certain transaction has gone out for, I've asked my DH, it's never a bad thing to keep an eye out and make sure money going out is to who it says its for.

What does he say...more importantly what do you reply?

As long as you're not spending thousands on booze and gambling you just tell him it's for essentials/every day needs and if he can do better you're more than happy to hand day to day shopping over to him.

He earned 120k when they met.
125k year 2?
130k year 3?
140k year 4?
140k this year...

That's 650,000 pounds ish in 5 years. He's 40, so before they met he was earning minimum wage was he?

More crackers Ness. He's a millionaire. She liked that.... It was the big pull.

@Diamond7272 The husband scrutinises all the bills and doesn't help out a jot.

@kkloo - you are fighting valiantly!

I’m shocked at the posters who seem to think that OP - or apparently any SAHP - should parent 100% of the time just because their partner is in paid employment. Being at home with tiny children is tiring and demanding, especially considering that OP is probably dealing with all nightwakings also. By being an SAHP, OP is avoiding childcare costs. It is her day job; she’s just not paid to do it. Bringing in money is an important part of parenting but it’s not the only part of parenting.

When mine were little, on a Monday, it felt like i came to work for a rest. Both DH and i worked outside the home. When we got home, we parented. That’s what decent parents do. You don’t just sit with your feet up. That’s also what my dad did when DSIS and i were little and mum was an SAHP. That’s what my friends’ parents did. I have friends who were SAHPs; their spouses joined in with the parenting and household tasks when they got home.

And all these posters who are apparently completely and rather horrifyingly impervious to the obvious power imbalance between a 40 yo and a 21 yo - i don’t know what to say to you. This man is treating OP like a brood mare. He’s given her no financial security; he impedes her access to money and is preventing her having opportunities to complete her qualifications or work. To suggest this is cushy or that - at 21 - OP should have known better is pretty nasty. OP is clearly being financially abused. It’s shocking that anyone posting here should be comfortable with that.

She needed that expectation to be clear before she had the first child never mind before she had a second!