How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

[Optionsneeded]

SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

Nonsense.

@Netcurtainnelly @PollyBell @Diamond7272

I see the incels have joined the thread. No doubt you're perfect then? Instead of kicking a young and lonely woman who is finding herself controlled, give her a good kicking instead.

Have a good look at yourselves first.

It sounds like it won't be easy and it might take time. But that's not to say it can't be done.

His behaviour sounds appalling.

Do try women aid as a starting point.

I'd also start getting cash back from the supermarket shops and carefully squirreling it away - just a little each time so as not to draw attention.

And please don't rule out a return to your pharmacy career. I do believe you when you say it feels like a massive leap right now, but your confidence will be especially low after what you've been going through. Motherhood alone, even in better circumstances, can trigger all sorts of self doubt. Look for female mentors who can support and guide you - I'm completely unfamiliar with the pharmacy world and how you might go about that, but try and think back to anyone you met whilst studying, see if your uni offers alumni networking opportunities.

Look into what free childcare you can access for your youngest. Even if it's the minimum (15 hours? Can't remember what age that kicks in) you could use it to start getting organised.

I think you will need a plan, and I hope wmens aid can help with that. If you can't just click your heels and leave, you'll need to take it one step at a time and not lose courage.

@Optionsneeded a pharmacy degree is something that can also be useful to get a job in other industries. The most child-friendly option is probably medical writing, which is a job that can be home or office-based. There would still be training involved, but it would be on-the-job training. I’m sure you’d find once you got into it that you’d remember some of your training.

This is an odd thread.

OP shows no signs of accountability whatsoever for the situation she is now in. Her only emotion in her clipped replies has been high levels of resentment over housework.

Nobody on MN can hand OP a magic wand. She needs to get off here and start making hard choices about how to make changes to her life taking into account her two young children, who have featured as a surprisingly low priority in the considerations.

Pps have pointed to practical resources such as Women’s Aid. If OP believes she is being financially abused, contacting that organisation is the first step.

No such thing as common law wife.

Oh ffs, get off your high-horse.

I agree that you agree. We're in agreement.

If you're gonna be a gold digger, be a gold digger.
Lesson numerous uno: get that ring on your finger.

I believe you totally.
Their husbands probably had their bits on the side, too. 😁

This might be difficult with two children in tow. Especially as they're very young.

She's still young, still attractive (probably) but this is against her.

As you can see, I'm more convinced of the gold digger than slave theory that's running through this thread so it's wise to point out the difficulties in getring a new wealthy man.

Actually if he died she might be in a better position than leaving as she is. provably the mother of his children and could make a claim as a dependent.
I guess that any claim would be successful.
Dependents Act 1975 I think. Summat like that.

Do you love him? Seems a very rage bait situation.

Seems to me that you pull yourself together. Have a grown up conversation with him that you have to be allowed to get your career back on track.

£120k is not that much for a household and will not guarantee your lifestyle. plus is insecure should anything happen to him plus it takes the pressure off him to be sole esrner.

You've identified that you need to bone up on everything you did at uni and then do your registration years.

Point out to him that now the dc are getting to school years it makes financial sense to have you earning what £50k as a pharmacist, an easy job to do part time.

Plus get a cleaner and a bit more childcare or clubs. On £120k I'd expect you to already have at least once a week cleaner so you can deal with the kids and the back breaking stuff like hoovering and mopping all gets done at once.

Get some childcare. Dedicate time to refreshing your coursework. Use notebook LM to help you create study guides, a revision plan. It can put together podcasts for you with easily digested information and listen to them whilst you sort house stuff or watch your dc in the park.

Make enquiries about doing your qualification years. Apply for jobs. Sort nursery. Get yourself on the wait list for breakfast and after school club. Research holiday clubs.

This is all doable. Pull yourself together and press on. It's very common for women to lose themselves in the early child rearing years and get depressed. I've seen it happen with my friends. They all had the financial necessity to work again and had to retrain and start again at a much older age than you. They are all happier now they have their lives back on track.

You can't afford to hang on and wait for the easy life to kick in as the kids both go to school because you aren't married and you really do not want to find yourself abandoned aged 40 then have to start your career then.

Lots of people slog to get their careers on track when in their 20s. It's hard. We also slog to start our families whilst balancing careers. It's possible.

Just do it. Don't let him stop you.

Cleaner+ childcare + career. Start now.

You are not in as difficult situation as you think. He has essentially rendered you entirely dependent on him. That means under the law you become a dependent cohabitee, and with such young children he would not be able to just turn you out of the house. You get both child support of some kind and possibly he would have to give you a lump sum of money to get you out of the house, or potentially to house you

Equally though you are unlikely to get as much provision as you would have had you been married.

Can you scrape together some money and get at least an hour of a lawyers time. They need to be reasonably good so don’t just get a cheap High Street solicitor.

You may still be able to register a beneficial interest on the title deeds. You may be unmarried and not contributing financial but you have made a sacrifice due to childcare which is also considered a contribution. You would need a solicitor though to explore this.

I think you need to start thinking creatively here and it will depend to a certain extent on how unreasonable DP actually is. Will he support you in getting re-trained & in to work (part-time) to start with?

Getting money is going to be gradual, there was a previous poster leaving a controlling partner who would add £20 cashback onto each supermarket shop. And put that money in a secret account. As she got closer to leaving, she added Amazon gift cards to the shopping and bought clothes for the kids in the next sizes up so she could stash them away for when they were needed. She spent many months preparing for her escape.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t leave, but can you sit down with DP and discuss why you are unhappy first. Not so much that you want him to do more housework/childcare (won’t happen) but more that you also want to work and have money of your own. It’s not going to be easy for you to but you’ve got to start somewhere.

does he look at the receipts or just bank transactions? Can you get £5-10 cash back every time you go to the supermarket and stash it somewhere? I get all my child’s nappies and bits from boots online and get points (they do much better deals online). I bought his toddler car seat there too as it was cheaper - I’ve got £130 in points now (for me to use) but you could keep them for future.
Personally I’d probably be saying I need an allowance, and see what he says. You could always suggest he pays you a salary from his company to use your personal allowance and reduce his tax! Unfortunately though if he doesn’t want to help you, pay for help or give you an allowance you are a bit stuck between staying as you are or leaving and still doing 100% but in an uncertain housing situation and with even less money.
Once your toddler gets the free hours I’d look at finishing off your pharmacy, you’d be much better off in the long run than getting a 15 hour minimum wage job, I also expect he would want to to contribute to the household of you are earning. I think you probably need to wait a bit before you leave unless it is completely unbearable.

Go and open your own bank account. Start selling clothes and toys children have outgrown and put the money in the account to build up some freedom. It will be surprising how it would mount up.

She would be better off in the long run but for now a taste for earning money in any job is a psychological boost to spur her on.

She's never worked, remember.

I'm not without any sympathy for her.
I do think she's a bit of a gold digger and I am puzzled about all this housework she has to do.
Like what? She's either doing a lot to stretch out the time she has or no mod cons which I find hard to believe.

It seems she's bigging up these minor tasks to the point it's a big deal that he doesn't do them.

And he spends no time with his kids?
Hard to believe.

She's nobody's slave, either. This bit is nonsense and really pisses me off.

My thoughts exactly.

My suggestions:

Spend a few months getting cash back in the supermarket/selling anything you can. Hoard cash. Claim child benefit now, he'll have to pay it back in his next tax return. You should be claiming it anyway for NI credits.

Get anything useful you can out of - if you can get a car out of him in your name, do it.

Plan to move back to your mum, even if temporarily, it doesnt matter if its miles away. Get a job in a pharmacist (as a pharmacy assistant not as the actual dispensing pharmacist) to get back into it - it will come back, honestly.

You need to plan based on him using his compan to structure his money to give you the bare minimum child maintenance. You will likely need to rely on UC which includes covering most of your childcare costs. Know that you have a hard few years ahead but it will get much, much better.

This....i mean come on, its not 1985, young women should bloody know

DO NOT HAVE A BABY & GIVE UP WORK FOR A MAN WHO IS NOT MARRIED TO YOU!

I agree!! More and more women seem to complain about having to WORK as a SAHM. Some of them think it entails doing the bare minimum and expecting their husbands/partners to pick up the slack, despite them working full time and being financially responsible for the family.

God why why why do people think this is a thing? Its not a thing.

Getting a job as a pharmacy assistant really will not "bring" anything back. It is very different. The only way to be a pharmacist would be to start the degree again. Better to use the degree for something else.

Then claiming they’ve been financially abused