How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

[Optionsneeded]

SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

Interesting that you want to uphold patriarchy and blame an unhappy woman for her situation.

I don't know a single woman who would degrade another woman by calling having children breeding, especially in such a derogatory and haughty tone.

I wouldn’t be using a vacuum either if I earned 14k a month 😳
Could you not get cleaners? Cooks? Is he tight with money? Do you have any access to money at all? Outsource everything you can; let him pay. Spend your time making memories with your children.
it will be extremely tough if you separate. If there’s no imminent danger, start working on a plan within the relationship itself. It might take years.
why is your older child in school “part time “?

It sounds like he doesn’t want to pay, right?

It sounds like he wants the op to do it all.

Breeding? You cow.

Why do you think marriage is so popular for men?

Because they get steamrolled into it? 😂

Sorry but outside of boomer world, I dont know a single man who was super excited to get married. Its usually a pressure thing

If you're not a man, you should be.

This man sounds very rigid and stuck in the 1950s…
OP you can put the 2year old in nursery soon as everyone gets 15h free childcare at 3. Start retraining when you get that time.

You could just leave. Just because you're a woman doesn't mean you have to be primary caregiver. Leave the kids with their dad. It's time he got to know them anyway. Also he can afford a nanny.
You can get a room in a shared house and refresh your qualifications whilst working anywhere. See your kids every other weekend. Be the dad.

Yes many women leave these situations and go on and build a life for themselves that they are happy with.

It's just unfortunately there are some people out there who want women, young women in particular to really suffer for their mistakes, especially if that mistake involves an older man.

It says more about them than it does about the OP. I can't imagine what it's like to live in their heads when they are clearly deeply bitter individuals.

You cannot be more wrong.

1. We met at a wedding.
2. He’s never been married and does not have any other children.
3. He was not in a relationship when we met.
4. My father is dead. I don’t live local to my mother.
5. He was the instigator of having children so quickly.

Women need to do their own thanking before they enter relationships and be the responsible independent mature intelligent human beings they are meant to be and not let men do all their thinking for them

It is not rocket science

I buy these from a joint account. But he does go through the statements and would notice if things were being spent that he hadn’t agreed to.

Presumably the OP doesn't have access to a time machine and if she did she probably wouldn't go back anyway seeing as she now has her kids.

Many women make mistakes with relationships and who they have kids with, they don't need to martyr themselves because of it forever more, they can do what the OP is intending to do and make a plan to leave.

So what were your answers to details on the plan? It’s very clear you think it’s really easy, you just need to also be able to articulate this really simple solution for the op now to us too. I’m sure you can, you’re very clever after all. But you could always choose to just chuck more insults out. That’s just what you’d do if you didn’t have an easy answer after all and didn’t want to admit that.
im sure there will be options and the op can get out of this trap. I do not criticise women for wanting to stay home with young children (currently 2 & 5 so it’s been years of young children) even though I’ve worked full time throughout with my dc. I especially do not criticise young women with much older men who once they have a baby and have agreed to stay home don’t give them any access to money despite having buckets of it. She’s a young woman who fell into a controlling relationship and has these children to care for 24/7. It’s not easy. She doesn’t need people like you to come along and kick her when she down.

When we met he wasn’t the high earner he is now. He was well off (circa £120k salary), but hIs earnings only increased in the last 3 years that he’s been self employed.

I wonder whether she ever gets to see friends; to pursue interests or hobbies; to make choices about the house or the kids' hobbies; what it's like for her buying clothes and makeup and stuff for herself or whether the purse strings are all strictly controlled. Imagine having to go to someone to ask for these sorts of bits of financial freedom or self-expression or time to yourself...and them saying no... whilst they themselves have shit loads of money and get to play a load of golf. And expecting you to be grateful for it!!!!!??? What?

No I don’t as I don’t have the time.

I also rarely buy anything for myself as all of my spending is scrutinised. He’d tell you that I have “access to everything” but everything I spend is scrutinised and the agro that comes with justifying myself just makes it not worth it.

This sounds like financial abuse. Have you thought about contacting women’s aid?

OP you sound very lonely.

I don’t think this is saying what you think it is about you.

Please contact :

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-need-ongoing-support/

https://pharmaceutical-journal.com/article/feature/nine-essential-resources-for-preregistration-trainees

a pharm degree is a fantastic launch pad for your journey to freedom and a fulfilling and happy life. Those resources listed are really all you’ll need after arranging a placement. Pharmacists enjoy a more motherhood friendly career trajectory than most careers and over a lifetime pharmacists outearn other professions.
pre reg training will equip you with what you need to know for a career which is in demand and you should expect to have a steep learning curve - the years out won’t make much difference as the pre reg year is where most people learn. Start getting your ducks in a row. Good luck!
www.hee.nhs.uk/sites/default/files/documents/Programme%20Handbook%20-%20July%2020_0.pdf

OP, you have to get yourself a career, basically.

I wouldn't listen to PP saying you should marry. Marital protections for the wife are long gone and only apply in long marriages anyway.

When you go food shopping, ask for cash back and squirrel that away. And anywhere else you pay for essentials and that gives cash back.

I don't think she's in any more of a vulnerable position than she would be if she was married. She's young and it would have been a very short marriage. In that situation, there is virtually no benefit for a wife. There's hardly any spousal support anymore for a short marriage. Being married matters much more over the long-term because of pensions, and she wouldn't get much of an asset split from such a short marriage. She'd be silly to remain unmarried for 20-30 years, but she's not planning to stay that long!

@Optionsneeded

I was a full-time working mum with a good career, my DSis was a SAHM who never had a paying job in her life. So I've seen both sides of the fence. DH and I shared family duties and had joint finances, DSis did pretty much everything, although BiL was a very hands on dad and not averse to yard work and they also had joint finances. The difference between you and DSis (whose DH owned several very successful car dealerships and was worth millions) is that he didn't scrutinize what she spent, but in return if she wanted to make a HUGE purchase, she usually discussed it with him beforehand. But of course the biggest difference is that they were married, so she had the protection of the law if he had started being financially controlling.

You are being financially abused. How much work you do at home or the amount he should do is irrelevant. As his supposedly beloved partner and the mother of his DC he should want you to have money 'of your own' as well as time to yourself. And a career if that was what you wanted. It is also control. He doesn't want you to be financially self supporting because he knows very well that if you were he'd either have to change his ways or watch you walk out the door.

As it is, you have very little recourse since you aren't married. You'd be entitled (theoretically at least) to child maintenance. But men like him will either want 50/50 (and hire a nanny for 'his time') or being self employed he'll 'play funny' with the books to make it look as if he's actually making very little money so he'll pay very little, if any, maintenance. And don't think he doesn't know this, he does.

What are your options? You say you have no family support. Is this because they are all gone or because you no longer speak to them? If the latter, give a good think as to whether or not he has alienated you from them or them from you. If that's so, then call them. What do you have to lose? You may hear a chorus of 'we told you so' but won't that be worth it if it means you can get out? Another option is that when you shop you do modest sums of 'cash over' and stash the money away as a 'fuck you fund'. Depending on how closely he scrutinizes spending that may or may not be possible. Finally, you do have your degree. I know you've lost your knowledge but that doesn't mean you couldn't get a job in a pharmacy as a Pharmacy assistant. Explore the possibility. I know he won't pay for childcare but if the job is a possibility it could be 'timed' with leaving. Call WA, tell them you are being financially abused. They can help.

Spoken like someone who has absolutely no idea what it means to be in a coercively controlling relationship.