How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

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SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

But, isn't experienced in the world and adult relationships, either. FGS don't be so obtuse.

A break up is not voluntarily making herself homeless you numpty

And vice versa. 🤦‍♀️

Not just woken up, assuming it wasn't all bad, but grown up and changed and wanting more for herself and feeling and being suffocated and controlled.

You have no idea if that’s true

There's some really horrible posts on here. Projecting much, or just nasty?

Nah- this is Mumsnet where babies leap from the womb as fully formed humans cognisant of all ways of the world and capable of predicting the future behaviour of their partners. No one should ever need time and space to grow up as they have always been grown up.

there are some really nasty people
on here tonight. Nasty people who have vivid imaginations and are confidently second guessing the OP’s living circumstances from a fabulous home to lavish gifts she can sell to a nice car… we have no clue what if any money she has direct access too nor whether the partner is squirelling every penny away for himself.

@RoyalIrishear hear. Really nasty pieces of work.

Wow, this corner of mumsnet does seem to be the place where solidiarity and empathy between women goes to die sometimes.

Happy to share what I reckon makes this particular situation so dreadful in comparison to what you describe.

1. The money. Most people have access to some sort of income stream of their own or, if not earning or entitled to any benefits, at least have some access to shared money in a committed relationship. There aren't many adults with no ability to access any financial resources of their own. That is a big big problem. If you're a single parent for example, you might be massively uptight but at least any money you get is yours to spend as you see fit - you're not going to anyone to ask for permission.

2. The absence of emotional intimacy / care. Single parents have to handle it all because there is no one else to do it. Parents with a partner / spouse who works away a lot have to handle it all on their own most of the time but the person working away might seriously step up and be very present and interested in their partner and children whenever they get to be together with them. In contrast, it sounds like the OP's partner isn't interested in participating in family life much when he has the chance and doesn't care about his DP enough to notice she's struggling and to want to give her a break if he can. He also earns a load of money but won't pay for childcare - again, he could help his DP to get more time to herself and more independence but he won't.

I'm sure the OP's life might have its perks... but so what? We each get one life and she doesn't want to keep spending hers like this. She signed up for this as a young woman who wasn't much established in the world and has now changed her mind. And actually, perhaps she didn't sign up for this exactly, because plenty of SAHMs seem to get breaks from childcare and have partners who parent actively when around, and even, dare I say it, have their own bank accounts / spending money, and are treated like they deserve some autonomy and respect. OP could easily be forgiven for having assumed that she might get some of this stuff too.

I wonder whether she ever gets to see friends; to pursue interests or hobbies; to make choices about the house or the kids' hobbies; what it's like for her buying clothes and makeup and stuff for herself or whether the purse strings are all strictly controlled. Imagine having to go to someone to ask for these sorts of bits of financial freedom or self-expression or time to yourself...and them saying no... whilst they themselves have shit loads of money and get to play a load of golf. And expecting you to be grateful for it!!!!!??? What?

Just an FYI, I had a pharmacist who has severe anxiety and couldn’t cope with the role. She stepped down into an assistant role and then became a tech.

You can also consider clinical writing. You will have to start from something basic and work up OP.

If I were you- I’d honestly hold tight until the little
one is in nursery, 1 year? Use the free time, perhaps tutor (a LOT of friends did this whilst in uni). Just build up some sort of income and
experience and then GTFO. Will your partner be ‘willing’ to hire house help? He earns more than enough. Make it an issue for his ego… if he says no, is it bc he can’t afford it. Also STOP doing anything for him. Ignore whatever he says, do anything for your kids and yourself. Do not pick up after your partner, don’t do his laundry, don’t run his errands.

Make your life easier in any way you can- house help, cleaners, laundry pick up service, grocery deliveries, even. shop the healthier prepped foods from M&S. If he’s wants to be just an ATM, make him bankroll all of this. Stop being nice!!!!

ha, I haven't read the thread in its entirety but I wonder if we've had any of the classic "21 isn't young, I've worked since I was 16" comments thus far. I've worked since 16 as well. i just hope none of these people work in safeguarding roles...

My word.

Do you really think people do all the housework and all the childcare?

Naive much.

Why do you think marriage is so popular for men? Or partnership? They get someone else to do the unpaid graft for them. And get to be declared family men.

Why does every thread have to devolve into a debate about whether it's easier or harder to be a SAHM? It just comes off as massively self-centred and self-pitying derailing.

What?

Whats with the 🤦‍♀️?

You're assuming he saw a fertile young woman and maybe rightly so.
But....it still doesn't answer exactly what she saw in him as a man in his 40's....unless someone was holding her arm up her back and forcing her to sleep with him it was a choice she made and of her own doing.

You really must have a ton of issues to go on like this on the internet about a woman you don’t know just because she wants to leave her partner for not pulling his weight at home, a common reason women want to leave.

OP please ignore that absolute crap , quite clearly it says more about them than you because what kind of a person would be so nasty about something like that?

People have always got married because it provides a level of commitment and security.

Claim UC as a single parent (you don’t need to live separately) get an advance and use it to try to find housing elsewhere. Register as homeless with the council. Claim CM ASAP. Get free nursery hours for your 2 year old. Look for work when they turn 3.

...is she not entitled as a 'common law wife'? She's in a relationship with him and has had his children. Surely that counts for something, no?? I'm shocked if not..

Where I live OP, there are incentives and support for people who want to work but need a bit of support, Contact your local council to see what’s on offer, it could be a short course, a bit of advice etc. It sounds like you’re lacking confidence and direction at the moment. Get a job sorted first then think about your relationship.

Have a look at the civil service, jobs often require skills rather than specific qualifications and you just need to be creative on illustrating you have those skills. Career gaps don't matter for the civil service.
Some school have nursery places for children once they become 3, - although this is part-time if not both parents are working,it could give you some time to start planning?

That is ridiculous. No rational person expects to be paid a salary and the absurd things you mentioned for looking after their own family. She is the children's mother, not their nanny.

Her partner is supporting the OP and the children financially pretty well from what the OP has told us.

"Breeding?"

Used by certain fringe, male-dominated online groups (like incel communities), the word serves to strip women of their humanity and autonomy, reducing them to mere reproductive "stock" or property.

Look who's joined the thread. 👀