How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

[Optionsneeded]

SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

Let's hope the OPs partner is aware of this thinking (he is) and gets away from women like this....

But I suppose it explains why a 21 year old woman starts a relationship with a 40yr old man...

(a few pages back it was all talking about him 'preying' on a vulnerable young woman)...

Which one is it????

Just get a job. Sell whatever things he gave you to turn your head at 21, 22, 23, clothes, bags, jewellery, car, whatever... And have a go at the life you think you can get)

OP is asking for help and advice. Why do you feel the need to say something like, "She made her bed..." ?

What exactly is your problem?

With that level of income could you get some hired help? Not ideal, but would give you a break?

She's not stuffed, she's in a bad situation so she needs to contact women's aid who can help and advise her.
She may need to go on uc till she gets on her feet. Then she can get financial help with childcare while she works.
She can apply for child maintenance but if he owns his own business he may fiddle it to avoid paying her.
She'll be fine though, I don't get a penny from my ex, never applied and am just happy to be rid.
Then he can go to work, pay his bills and cook and clean for himself.
And if he's a safe dad he'll get to spend time with the children alone so he'll have to look after them then and she'll get some time to herself..
There's alot of support out here thankfully for women to get out of these situations.

There are some truly awful comments on this thread.

OP can leave. But life on benefits as a single parent with a job will be a lot harder than being the partner of a man who supposedly earns £14k a month. Is that before or after tax.

Yes it will be a lot harder.

And?

People post on MN for help and advice.

So many start and like to kick someone when they’re down. “Oh you should have done this or that….” What is the point of talking about the past?

Maybe the op did think maybe a man 20 years older was a cushy number. So what? She was young when she did this. She’s found out it’s not so great. Now she wants a way out. Fair enough.

The lack of constructive advice is so lame. The personal attacks are pathetic. It’s as if people think women have achieved genuine equality in the world. 🙄

Seriously. Post helpful advice only.

If he's earning 14k a month can you not hire a cleaner and put the children in nursery for a day or 2. Does he give you money each week for looking after the house. If he won't agree to this then it sounds like financial abuse and you need to find a way out. Do you have supportive family that you can stay with?

I presume you have told him all of this and that you are thinking of going it alone as you already are....
Then I would find a good Solicitor. You will be entitled to child maintenance from him every month at the very least, 15% of his take home pay (I think), then you could rent somewhere and claim UC.

Could you possibly get a job working in a nursery school where you can also bring/ enroll your toddler and still earn a salary? Maybe you could do this for a couple months and build up your savings to then leave your partner. Sorry you’re in this situation OP.

I was in an extremely abusive relationship. I had to go to refuge, did the dv courses and I think op needs to contact women's aid. I was in a very similar situation, not married, no access to money, name not on mortgage and expected to do all household chores and childcare. It may be part of a bigger picture but regardless shes in a very vulnerable position

Can honestly, hand on heart say when I married back in the 80's that wasn't even on my mind.

That's as it should be.

This is not a personal attack. It's a dose of reality.

Sounds like he’s not really the most cooperative?

I was in her situation and life as a single mum is a million times better and with my own money. Just because he has alot of money doesn't mean he's a good person and shares it with her.. My ex was a high earner but I was penniless, he'd live the high life while I was home alone with the children doing housework. I didn't have any access to his money and only got given money to do the food shop.

FCS, and what about a 40-something man getting involved with a young 20-something?
What do you have to say about his motives? 🙄

Pretty it up as you like, but we know exactly what you wrote and meant. It was an attack. And why, fgs, do you feel the need to offer "a dose of reality"? How utterly pious of you.
Three cheers for the sisterhood. 🙄🥱

A girl fell in love with an older man. Now five years later she's a woman with two kids who's woken up. It's messy.

TBF... posters have suggested that the OP maybe around 25 years old, she's obviously intelligent in herself as she gained a degree, so I'd also question why as little as 4/5 years ago in this day and age a girl of such intelligence would want to date a who's man in his 40's.

A 21 year old woman isn’t a girl .

Both my daughters were clever got good degrees. But relationship wise were all over the place. Made some big mistakes because they were in love. They are much wiser now.

Every single working adult in the world has to do all the earning and all the housework. It's shit, but literally millions and millions of people do it every day. Plenty of them parents who don't take home £14k a month.

Smart people get married for both reasons, marriage should be about love but it is a legal contract and for a stay at home parent it is financial security and anyone that loves you and wants to raise a family with you, should love you enough to want you to have that.

Love is great and all but love doesn't pay the bills and I say that as someone that has been happily married for 25 years. You still have to look after your financial future and that of your children. Its not just about if you split, what if her partner dies and a will isnt done, her and her kids are screwed. Marriage is a contract and its a protection thats absolutely necessary when 1 person in that partnership gives up their entire financial security.

21 is very young. 21 felt nothing like even 25.