How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

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SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

If you think this is Modern Slavery, which is a criminal offence, what do you think would happen if OP went to the Police to report a crime? Absolutely nothing. She would be given details of help lines and support to help her to change her situation, which is what she is asking for here. She is in a relationship with a rich, selfish AH and it’s right that she has help to get out.

I quite agree.

Disagree with this. You cant necessarily have a lazy day entertaining 2 kids. Maybe when they're newborn and you can nap. I now work full time in a very demanding role and find the weeks im off taking solo care of my child to be harder than my job to be honest. So it really depends on the person's job, commute, hours etc and isnt a blanket comparison. Stay at home mum means they stay home from WORK and do the childcare and house. I agree with that. But that does not give the other person the right to more free time at the weekend or evening, assuming they work normal hours. I wouldnt expect them to be doing any appointments, or much housework, but parenting outside of their working hours, yes thats reasonable. Otherwise the same is the only one without a break

A number of them cracked on with the tennis coaches too.. I used to get all the gossip 😆

What did he do before you moved in with him?

Start by getting him to agree to hire domestic help. On that salary he can afford a maid/cook housekeeper type person. But if hes refusing to pay for childcare he prob wouldnt pay for domestic help i guess. You are his girlfriend, not his slave.

If he pays for a decent amount of help, you could study during those hours. Otherwise youll have to wait til the kids are at school i guess. Can GPs look after the kids while you study? It might be a while til u can escape, and your progress might be slower than youd like, but hopefully you can keep working towards your goal.

I quite agree.

Op you need to talk to someone who can work out what you can do in your particular situation. Surf the net and see what help is available.

It's financial abuse if he's not allowing her access to money. She's not free to just leave if she has no money, she'll need help, like i got from womens aid.
And there's lots to do after work.
When my (abusive) ex got home he'd sit and do nothing. He expected a big dinner cooked, he'd sit while I cooked, washed up, looked after the children, bathed the children, put them to bed, folded laundty, tidied toys away. Going to work doesn't not absolve you of helping at home.
Ime going to work is alot easier than being a sahm with young children and a misogynistic lazy partner. Being a single working mum is easier than living with a man like that.

Wow… He planned that and has you right where he wanted you. Why on earth are you not even on the mortgage?

I think the wife of a man earning 14,000 a month is unlikely to live in a 3 bed semi and drive a battered old Skoda and holiday at Butlins. I think calling her situation slavery with the information we have is hyperbole.

I'm glad you escaped your situation.

I’m not suggesting OP stays. Only OP can decide that.

If she does leave there is a risk she’ll have more resentment if she has to work, raise both kids primarily and DP gets a new partner and globetrots etc without doing his fair share.

Or OP could leave, retrain, get a well paid job herself and could really enjoy being own breadwinner, not being current DPs emotional crutch, maybe meet someone else and live her best life too.

Pluses and minuses either way. DP stepping up and turning it round if OP minded to leave also a possible outcome.

In the context of what I said , which was only "she should talk to him" it makes zero difference and you knew exactly what I meant.

Sorry, can I check : is OP's DP refusing to let her employ help?

She said he will not pay for any childcare.

Ok so you need to get back to work asap. You MUST create a way to support yourself and your kids. Nothing is more important than this for you right now. Because as things stand, you’re trapped.

You’re clearly a smart woman having done that degree so time to stop and have a proper think about which job you can get. Doesn’t have to be anything amazing but you must get something as soon as you can.

Is there anyone you know who could help you out? Either with housing, childcare or a job? If you know other people with their own businessses they would be a good start.

Exactly!

It's not her money though or her home.
My ex was the same, high earner with his own business but refused to help out at all at home because he'd 'been at work' and he 'paid the bills'.
But he was paying for his own asset, he refused to put my name on the mortgage or allow me access to money.
It's abuse. There's no luxury in that.

I had a friend like this her DH controlled all the money. She was hundreds of miles from family.

She slowly made a plan to flee. When shopping at Asda she started buying pots and pans, bed linen etc. this she hid at a friend's house. She used her friends laptop for any dealings with solicitors using a different email address. When she was finally ready put the children in the car went to friends collected all the stored stuff she'd hidden there and drove back to her parents.

She said luckily he never asked to see receipts for her Asda purchases. He was completely blind sided and very angry but it was done.

I admired her so much.

They cope because there's one less person to clean up after, and men can be a lot harder to clean up after children, children are contained eg not making a mess cooking, not leaving rubbish wherever they fancy. They don't have to live with that bubbling resentment building because they spend everyday tidying up after a man who has no respect for them and takes them for granted. They probably have options to work- the army/rigs husbands would probably help with childcare costs, the single parents could claim help with childcare costs. They probably have access to money and their name on the house. It's not the same.

OP if you have no access at all to money does your DP do the food shopping/buy the DC clothing?

How do you fund your own clothing/toiletries/travel and other items you need?

Absolutely

You don’t get funded childcare if both parents aren’t working and no UC claimed.

SAHM, students, very part time = no funded hours until 15 at 3.

These days a hamster can get a degree...

Especially if they are foreign and paying full overseas tuition fees.

Unis fail almost no one. You get chance after chance.

If you have a couple of D's at A-level and are willing to take loans and pay fees, you can get a degree from somewhere.

Degrees today are pretty worthless in most instances.

The OP needs a job. Any job. And a bit of life experience. And to stop planning her future and pinning her hopes on what money she can get from her brief partner...

All this 'abuse' talk is crackers. How dare he provide her a nice home for nothing.... How dare he!!!

Like I said before, if he was poor 5 years ago, she'd never have found herself in this predicament...

Tesco is hiring. McDonald's. She has options.

What’s people’s obsession about being married?

That is a totally mad suggestion. Why on earth would he agree to that.