How to leave DP when I’m a SAHM.

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SAHM. Two children under the age of 5.

My partner does nothing other than work and pay for everything.

I do 100% of the childcare and housework, even at weekends. Anytime I ask for help with anything around the house, it’s met with huffing and puffing and although it’s never been said out loud, I know he expects that this is my job as he goes to work. I genuinely mean that I do 100% of everything house and child related.

I am completely fed up of this.

I had our first DC right after finishing university (there is an 19 year age gap between us). Unfortunately I am no longer qualified to go back into what I trained as, and would need to start back from the beginning with a new career. However I have no time to train in anything as I do 100% of the childcare. DP will not pay for any childcare nor would he reduce his house to help with this.

I would like to make a plan to leave but I’m stuck. We are not married. Looking for ideas and advice on my next steps.

At any time in a relationship, one person can sit the other down and say “this isn’t working for me”. You need to do that. Say you want to work, not be a SAHM anymore, and find a part time job. There’s plenty of money to pay for childcare and a cleaner. You might feel better with an out the home life. If you do split, at least you are in a better position with working.
If he is unhappy, explain you aren’t married, you want to have your own pension, access to money and safety net.

Your best bet is to move in with family to save money and start your career over, retrain in whatever your original career plan was, then council house and go from there (I imagine your family would need to make you homeless to get on a housing list - just from what I've read on here). No idea if you can claim benefits whilst you are training/in education? Although you'll get a healthy chunk of maintenance assuming he doesnt fiddle his earnings. You basically need to do what most people do post uni only you have 2 kids in tow now. We moved back home mid 20s after undergrad degrees, traveling etc, I did a masters and phd and we saved for a house, we then bought a house, got married and had children at around 31/32. You've done it all a bit backwards but you'll get there assuming you have family who can help. You will only be entitled to child maintenance if you aren't on your house deeds and haven't paid in, if you had paid into the house it is possible to get some money back going to court, happened to a friend of ours, an ex gf got a % of the sale even though she wasnt on the deeds, but she contributed to bills monthly, she was a lawyer though so knew how to play it.

I imagine the nice lifestyle with an older man drew you in straight out of uni, no houseshares paying high rent starting at the bottom of the pile, only now 5 years in you realise you are stuck with a much older man, you probably have little in common with and no way of leaving. You also don't seem to like being a SAHM, if your only job is house and kids and you aren't earning, well the person earning the money is going to expect you to do your part of the deal. If you wanted a more 50/50 relationship you should have completed your studies and pursued your career into your early 30's, got married and only then had children.

You aren't stuck, it might just be a few tricky years starting from scratch, you are still young though at least.

so if her husband has a posh car that somehow mitigates her unhappiness? how ridiculous

In most of these cases they use full time childcare when the kids are old enough, surely?

I could be completely off track but I don't think OP is being completely straight with us. She does not answer any questions about whether she has family. She provides no information about how she met her partner.

I get the impression that if we knew the full story, we would judge her.

So this is my take:

OP, aged 22 and pharma uni graduate, went into this arrangement with her eyes open.

She was dazzled by the 14k per month and the lifestyle of not having to work, despite the slightly creepy aspect of him being 19 years old than her and almost twice her age. Her graduate friends who could not find jobs were envious.

Her parent(s), with life experience behind them, did not approve of the age gap or relationship. OP does not want to go back to living with them or seek their support hat in hand because they would say I told you so, dispelling the image of the perfect life she has from the outside.

The circumstances in which she met her dp are somewhat questionable. Either it was a sugar daddy arrangement (he financed her uni degree) or it was an affair which broke up his first marriage/family/relationship.

At the time, she felt she got the Grand Prize because she 'won' him over another woman.

Then as she had her first child, she realised he did not do any parenting or housework other than pay the bills. Their roles divided strictly on gendered lines.

But that did not bother her all that much because that was the deal. They had another baby.

Over time, the cracks started to form and get bigger. Two children were more work than one. She did not have any spending money or free time of her own.

However, something happened recently which required her to change the entire calculus of her choices.

Perhaps another younger and less encumbered woman has caught his eye. The writing is on the wall.

That opened her eyes as to how vulnerable her position were to be if he traded up and how she could guard against it.

Hence her OP.

It was not about how to make him do more housework. It was how she can get out of an economic and financial arrangement of convenience that was running out of road.

If you got this far, hope you enjoyed my flights of imagination.

They cope by getting on with it because they have to, that doesn't mean that women who have partners in the home, who don't want to do any housework or parenting should be ok with it.

Using your argument, there's men out there who work and then have to come home and cook and clean and even mind their children cos it's their day to have them, so if they can cope then why can't the OPs husband do a bit of tidying and bathe his children occasionally??

What's so uniquely dreadful about his situation that he just couldn't possibly do anything in the home?

I've read all your posts. What sort of access do you have to the family money?

And he's only able to work hard and pay for everything because OP keeps house and takes care of his children, leaving him free to do so.

She doesn't need to answer them cos it's not relevant, she wants advice on how she can make a plan to leave.

I love this part "Hence her OP.
It was not about how to make him do more housework. It was how she can get out of an economic and financial arrangement of convenience that was running out of road.
"

Yes well done captain obvious, I mean it's in her thread title and the end of the OP that she wants to know how she can leave.

Full time child care as a single mum on benefits or the SAHM wife of an oil rig roustabout?

The OP’s partner could afford domestic help, so he would be able to continue to work!!!

There's nothing dreadful about it but he hasn't changed, she has.

You've just decided that.

I don't know anyone who went into a SAHM arrangement with the understanding that the woman was going to do absolutely everything with the kids and at home. He may well have pulled his weight at home before they had kids, he may well have also told her that when they had kids he'd do x and y.

Because if he's earning £14,000 a month he probably needs to rest at the weekend.

The op would not be able to earn £14,000 a month If she was paid to look after children even if she was working 7 days a week like she does now.

I should think on 14k a month, he could pay for a full time housekeeper.

Also, was he so desperate for children that he trapped her to have them or was he probably not that fussed in the first place! .Maybe she trapped him, but failed to shut the trap tight when she didn't marry him.

He may now be feeling a bit trapped himself with two small kids, a woman he doesn't care for enough to marry and plenty of moaning as his welcome every evening!

He 's certainly canny enough to keep her from from his assets and. as I said up thread, many men choose not to see their kids, fight to avoid paying a penny no matter how many times PP say things like, "He will have to pay a huge chunk" or "See how he feels when he has to look after his children 50% of the time"

Yes, in theory but in practice, as many of us bitterly know, he has to do bugger all.

I know of lots of women who went into that same arrangement, it used to be common.

She has told us she has a child in school. She had a second child when it was clear he was not going to help with the first. It took 5 years of this arrangement for her to decide to ask MN for help how to get out of the situation that she's no longer happy with.

The OP is not giving us nearly enough information to "decide" anything.

I'm really puzzled here.
Like there really shouldn't be that much housework to do.

I imagine you have all the mod cons.
Like a dishwasher.

And what is there to 'do' with the kids? I don't get this bit.

No offence but you need to grow up now.
You've never worked.
Never done the grind of it.
You're coming across as a bit spoilt to be honest.

You're assuming the grass is greener. If you're convinced it is, go for it.
Leave but please ignore the nonsense here that you're a slave.
No court would take this seriously because you are free to walk at any time.

So it's up to you: be your own person and (temporarily at least) be poor or live in a gilded cage.

The choice is your's.

This would piss me off and so would never ever have agreed to it tbh.
However, this is where you are.
first you find a job, then you arrange childcare for while you are working. Or you wait until they are at school and train while they are school then find a job.
or you leave and live with family Until you find your feet.
none of this will be easy.
Working with small kids is literally the most stressful thing to do, but I have always worked full time as I don’t like to hand control of finances or my life to anyone.
you get one life, if you are miserable you will need to go through a hard part of breakup, not having much money and being very stressed trying to work, study and parent alone. Many women have done it. I guess you will have to weigh up whether it makes sense now or to wait it out until they are a bit older

Tell him you're going to get a job, and that he will have to do 50% of the childcare, if that is what you want.

Totally agree.
He's probably working very long hours.
I would be very annoyed if I worked a 65 hour week and my dh didn't work AT ALL then he whinged that I didn't empty the dishwasher.

In fact, I'd class him as treating me like a slave!

Are you allowed money for yourself?? My mums friends were all stay at home mums with high earning husbands. A LOT of them hired cleaners and childcare without their husbands knowledge and cracked on at the tennis club.
can you do this??

It matters though, doesn’t it - husband versus partner. Makes a lot of difference

She said in her first post that they are not married.

That's the way to do it. 😁

I've been in both situations I needed the help of women's aid to get away. I'm now a single working mum, he has zero contact and my life is a millions times easier than being a sahm with him.
There's no nice extras being a sahm with a man who treats you as a live in slave and doesn't allow you access to any money.